This isn't gonna be your normal "how's the diet going" blog entry. I need to let go of some piled up emotion that will likely tear me to pieces and ruin the personal change progress if I don't because right now I am failing to see the point of all this hard work and depriving myself of all the goodies that life has to offer.
As many of you, my faithful fans :), know a few months ago I ripped into a female acquaintance here on my blog. We had gone on a date and had been chatting for awhile. Because I had "that feeling" about her for quite a long time prior to this date I lost control of my emotions when she emailed me that she didn't want to continue dating me. The unexpected change of heart, my strong feelings for her and other lifetime disappointments ignited an anger within me that I had never experienced before. I regrettably was writing my blog when I received that email and instead of walking away from my computer I unleashed that anger through my words on this blog. I cannot begin to describe how horrible I have felt since that day because I can't find a way to forgive myself. I have taken advice of friends and sought counseling and I'm also taking an anti-depressant to help balance me out. Part of what was suggested was that I write her a letter to explain why things happened and how incredibly sorry I was. It's purpose was to give me a sense of closure and a feeling that, even if she didn't respond, I had tried all that I could to atone for my mistake. Since the letter has been sent I have been improving, and I felt I was okay to put this horrible mess behind me. I still hadn't forgiven myself for my actions but I was accepting that there was nothing else to do.
Then this morning I went upstairs to make my daily bowl of Cheerios and there sitting on the counter was my letter. My heart sank as I picked it up and saw the word "REFUSED" written across it. I honestly felt like throwing up looking at the letter. An anxiety attack followed, I felt like I couldn't breathe and emotionally I felt like crying and like putting my fist through a wall at the same time. I texted a few friends for help, but decided to go do what I do best and that was go to the gym. Before I got the car started I had replies, I began to tear up while replying as it all started to overwhelm me. I have never done anything to hurt someone intentionally. And the realization of the amount of hurt I must have caused in order to make a former friend refuse receipt of a letter is just to much for me to bear. I know she didn't want to hear from me again, and it was my intention to respect her wish, but the advice I got was to send it. I prepared myself for an unpleasant response even though I didn't expect any response at all. I had hoped that she would understand what had caused my ugly outburst and maybe begin to forgive me. Most of all what I expected was that she would just chuck it in the trash, and that would have been fine as it was hers to do with what she wanted at that point. What I did not anticipate was that she would go out her way to refuse it and shove my emotions back in my face. I guess it is her way of saying "FUCK YOU" and slamming the door completely shut on this chapter of my life. Sadly, I don't blame her. I just wish she could know how incredibly sorry I am for what I did, she didn't deserve what I did to her at all. She treated me way better than any other girl I had feelings for and I treated her worse than anyone I ever have. Her hate for me doesn't even come close to how much I hate myself.
I really feel lost right now as I don't know what to do. What I know must be done is that I must turn the page and start writing a new chapter, but you'll have to forgive me if I just stare blankly at this page for awhile. I am sure that I will never be able to forgive myself for happened, and I don't think I should, even though that is contrary to advice of so many friends. What I did was inexcusable, so what if I was temporarily insane. Forgiveness could only have been achieved through her and I will never get that now, that is obvious. Hopefully, the scar that this leaves will always remind to be better than I was that day.
