“You
gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself,
'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes
along.” Elanor Roosevelt
So it all began once again and I was able to get myself back into the groove pretty easily. Returning to the 5-6 small meals everyday keeping the caloric intake under 2000 per day wasn't very difficult. The first couple of days were a rough transition as my tummy screamed for food on several occasions between the tiny 300 calories meals. Hell those are snacks to some people and I'm calling them meals. I survived the transition and by the weekend my desire to eat a huge pile of anything had evaporated. From the exercise standpoint I managed to avoid hurting myself in the first week. Since I am typically so "all or nothing" I really had to force myself to avoid pushing it to hard to quickly. Took just one Spin class and swam twice, and in both cases I restrained myself. Being off for so long and eating so poorly I wasn't really sure if I was fit enough to attack the cardio stuff very hard so the intensity was dialed back. The end result of the first week was a 5 lb loss! I don't expect to keep that kind of pace up but I'm not complaining about it. And that was the good news for the week.....
Now for the bad news:
An ugly side of me resurfaced midweek last week, and I decided after a very complicated weekend emotionally that I would share something with you all that I have been hiding for a long long time: I suffer from depression. It is something that I have dealt with for a lot longer than this blog has existed but I have managed to deal with it or at least cover it up from everyone for most of my life. Humor and drunken stupidity were my tactics for masking how I really was doing emotionally. I realized it when dealing with that girl problem you all may remember reading about. That was the first time it had gotten out of my control. That was the first time it was officially diagnosed and the first time that it became completely debilitating, but I know that it has been an issue for me since my college years. This is difficult for me to share because I don't want to be perceived any differently by any of you. All I can really say is that it sucks, the times when it hits me the hardest I do nothing but lay in bed. This weekend was one of those moments, I tried several times to get up and do something constructive but by the time I got to my door I just wanted to lay back down so I did. What is worse is that it begins to affect me mentally and I do some strange things and become very absent-minded. The other day at work I spelled possible: "p-i-l-e," yeah it gets that bad.
To be honest I've been staring at this above paragraph for quite awhile, fighting the urge to delete it all. However, I feel I have to unload this burden now, it has been my Achilles Heel in this fight to my 100 pound goal. Twice now I have gotten within reach of my goal only to fall backwards when an injury and other bullshit crushed my morale and allow the depression to regain a foothold. I shared my problem with someone who is almost a complete stranger last
week and I figured if I could share it with her then I should be able to
share it with everyone
So why now? Why, when I seem to have the motivation and the health back enabling my return to this battle to live and become a better me??? Well it's simply a girls fault, ok its not her fault but hanging around her has picked at a wound that I thought had healed. She is a new, albeit temporary, co-worker but hopefully a good friend in the making. She is one of the coolest girls that I have come across, ever. Instantly we had a pretty good vibe, and yes I may be crushing on her a little. Oddly enough, I've worked out around her at BZ for the past two years and she never really caught my eye, but everyday that I hang out with her I become more attracted to her. I am genuinely more attracted to the person that she is than her outward beauty. Don't get me wrong this girl is attractive, but you know what I mean, we all have the "types" that we are attracted to and she really isn't mine (besides the being fit thing). This is a bizarre occurrence for me, and to be honest I was kind of confused about it at first. I don't know that I ever experienced this form of attraction before and it kind of turns my ideas about dating on its ear. Anyway being around her so much also dug up ugly emotions because it was pretty obvious to me that she wasn't into me in the boyfriend potential kind of way. Even without asking her out I began to hate myself for being apparently the most unattractive man on Earth. I mean how else is possible that almost every girl I like wants no part of me. I understand we all are looking for something that sparks a fire inside of us, but why is it that I don't ever seem to be able to do just that. I don't blame my new friend at all but it is just hard for me to deal with this constant rejection. This is the reason that I'm hung up on Julie still to this very moment. She is the only girl that ever made me feel wanted and it ended to abruptly. If that makes me pathetic then I guess I am, but it is my struggle that I deal with all the time.
It is becoming more evident here lately that I may need to return to the doctor and discuss my medical options. Right now I am spiking emotionally and the swings are getting worse. Last night at work I show up, I'm all happy, my endorphin high from the workout is still cranking and then I do something stupid and make a comment in jest that overstepped a boundary. I upset someone and betrayed a trusting bond that I was enjoying, I knew it the second it came out of my mouth that it was very uncool, and immediately started to feel like crap. Few minutes later after getting scolded by my friend, which I totally deserved, my night went to hell. I spent the rest of the night fighting off what I guess could be described as an anxiety attack. I hate the idea of needing medication to level me out, I didn't really like how I felt when I was on it in the past. But if things don't improve soon it may be where I end up.
So the struggle continues on, I managed to at least squash the really bad feelings and have been faithful to my routine. It is my routine that carries me through some days, seeing those supportive faces at the gym are always a big help on the ugliest of days, and knowing that just doing something at the gym is calming force in my life.
