Yeah okay, so I was talking to this girl last week at the gym and I had something smack me in my face (and no it wasn't her right hand).....I've been a bit of a whiney whenker lately. I have been letting this concussion thing bring me down to the point where I'm reverting to old bad habits, not because I cannot control my eating habits but because I've been feeling sorry for myself. She is in my Spin class and is aware of why I haven't been seen in Spin for months now (I miss it so much). We've talked quite a few times these past several weeks when I actually get to go to the gym, and she always asks how my head is doing. We were talking about how I'm holding up and how the weight has been since I've been recovering. I didn't lie, I told her that after Tuesday's ride (ex bike) I got so dizzy that I almost passed out and that I've gained 10-15 pounds since this all started. Then she asked if I was still eating right, again I couldn't lie (this stupid blog has made me open up even to strangers) and said that my general mood has kept me down and I have had a real hard time committing to my diet while I'm laying in bed moping. Her response was pretty much on the lines of, 'seems kind of dumb to give up all the hard work of the past year just because you have to take it easy for a short while.' Now that is my interpretation of her actual words which were more like, 'you should really get back to eating healthy.' I don't know if she meant it as I interpreted it or not but I felt really lame after shelling out another excuse or two as to why I had let go of my control of my diet.
It was very weird, the feeling I had after our conversation that morning. On the ride home I couldn't help but feel like I had disappointed someone who cares about me (don't misread this statement, she is just a girl I know from the gym nothing more but the shame I had was like disappointing your grandfather or someone close). I couldn't shake this feeling and thought about some things for awhile and came to the conclusion that I was disappointment myself. I have been feeling sorry for myself for a long time now; the last several months have not played out the way I was expecting. I think because I had hit such a high point at the end of last year and had the feeling that everything was finally gonna go my way that when everything got flipped upside down I regressed back to the me that really didn't care to much about himself. Here's the thing, my life seems to have been dotted with all these moments that try to keep me from succeeding at whatever I am trying to do. I start to get healthy and a liver issue forces me to stop what I'm doing, I go back to school and my job market gets flooded with experienced job seekers because companies started trimming the fat and I'm told repeatedly that I need job experience, I go on another health mission and I melt down over a girl but this time I use the gym and my goals to fight back and just when the sun starts to shine again a big chunk of steel decides its going to win the battle with my skull and the thing that kept me fighting (the gym) is taken away. I could go on and on with examples but I already sound like I'm whining again. It just feels like everytime I try to better myself, something does it best to keep me down. I've been very aware of this since my concussion and I am sure it has influenced my mood quite a bit, and it has fueled my frustration over the lack of progress in my condition.
Well I'm gonna do my best to stop whining about the situation that I am in. And I am done seeking sympathy or someone to say it's okay to give up until this goes away. I'm pushing through this concussion whether it likes it or not so it might as well just give up. No more eating because I'm bored, no more fast food because I don't care right now, no more boozing it up because it's beach season....I'm going back to being focused like I was in November. The lame excuses are done with.
