Week 39-41:

Ok so I weighed in Friday at 242, a 5 pound drop from last weigh in! That cracks the 80 lb lost mark and leaves me just 22 lbs away from 220! I am starting to get a little more excited now that the final goal is within site. The fire inside of me that was dimming over the past few months is starting to glow brighter again. After The Mudder I intend to really focus on the weight loss and really bear down on controlling the diet. Lately, I've been a little lackadaisical with what I've been eating. I broke my New Year's resolution to not eat fast food until I hit 220, but hey I went three months without any of that garbage so I'm sure I can abstain from it again. It sucks that sometimes our mood affects the way we eat, it is silly that we tie food to emotion. Food is fuel not happiness. It is obvious to me now, since I am more than 75% of the way to my goal, that this issue I have of using food to make me feel better will never be fully conquered. Being aware of it is probably the key to controlling it.

Oh yes, The Tough Mudder is this Sunday and I am getting more and more excited as we get closer. I have trained my big booty off in order to get my cardio endurance as high as I could in preparation. My last long distance run took me to 9 miles, this is longer than the distance of the race but it was all flat running so we'll see if the terrain crushes my optimism. They estimate the total time to complete the course is 2.5 hours so the obstacles will definitely give some moments of "rest" from the running. Hopefully, I can find a picture taking friend so I can share some pics of the event with you.

While talking with friends this week, I realized that I didn't do something I had intended on doing a month ago so I'll share it with you now. A month ago or so I had a doctor appointment (mostly about the depression stuff) and while there I got the results of some "after" blood work that further prove how much healthier I am now. The original numbers are from October of 2008.

• Triglycerides 183 dropped to 80 (less than 150 is norm)
• Total Cholesterol 214 dropped to 171 (less than 200 is norm)
• HDL (good) 33 rose to 44 (40-50 is norm)
• LDL (bad) 144 dropped to 111 (100-129 near optimal, less than 100 is optimal)
• Glucose 108 dropped to 99 (less than 100 is norm)

Pretty much all of these levels were in the borderline high risk ranges 18 months ago and now everything, except LDL, falls with their normal ranges. Its amazing what a little hard work and better diet can do.

Now in case your wondering about how I am doing with that other stuff, I am doing just fine! I think I am finally back to being me and have put my mess behind me now. Sure, I still have my little moments when I think about her and wish things would have worked out differently and wonder where things could be right now if it all went as planned, but they aren't affecting my daily life anymore. I definitely know that I feel better about how I am interacting with people again and I'm smiling a little more these days.

Slamming the book shut

This isn't gonna be your normal "how's the diet going" blog entry. I need to let go of some piled up emotion that will likely tear me to pieces and ruin the personal change progress if I don't because right now I am failing to see the point of all this hard work and depriving myself of all the goodies that life has to offer.

As many of you, my faithful fans :), know a few months ago I ripped into a female acquaintance here on my blog. We had gone on a date and had been chatting for awhile. Because I had "that feeling" about her for quite a long time prior to this date I lost control of my emotions when she emailed me that she didn't want to continue dating me. The unexpected change of heart, my strong feelings for her and other lifetime disappointments ignited an anger within me that I had never experienced before. I regrettably was writing my blog when I received that email and instead of walking away from my computer I unleashed that anger through my words on this blog. I cannot begin to describe how horrible I have felt since that day because I can't find a way to forgive myself. I have taken advice of friends and sought counseling and I'm also taking an anti-depressant to help balance me out. Part of what was suggested was that I write her a letter to explain why things happened and how incredibly sorry I was. It's purpose was to give me a sense of closure and a feeling that, even if she didn't respond, I had tried all that I could to atone for my mistake. Since the letter has been sent I have been improving, and I felt I was okay to put this horrible mess behind me. I still hadn't forgiven myself for my actions but I was accepting that there was nothing else to do.

Then this morning I went upstairs to make my daily bowl of Cheerios and there sitting on the counter was my letter. My heart sank as I picked it up and saw the word "REFUSED" written across it. I honestly felt like throwing up looking at the letter. An anxiety attack followed, I felt like I couldn't breathe and emotionally I felt like crying and like putting my fist through a wall at the same time. I texted a few friends for help, but decided to go do what I do best and that was go to the gym. Before I got the car started I had replies, I began to tear up while replying as it all started to overwhelm me. I have never done anything to hurt someone intentionally. And the realization of the amount of hurt I must have caused in order to make a former friend refuse receipt of a letter is just to much for me to bear. I know she didn't want to hear from me again, and it was my intention to respect her wish, but the advice I got was to send it. I prepared myself for an unpleasant response even though I didn't expect any response at all. I had hoped that she would understand what had caused my ugly outburst and maybe begin to forgive me. Most of all what I expected was that she would just chuck it in the trash, and that would have been fine as it was hers to do with what she wanted at that point. What I did not anticipate was that she would go out her way to refuse it and shove my emotions back in my face. I guess it is her way of saying "FUCK YOU" and slamming the door completely shut on this chapter of my life. Sadly, I don't blame her. I just wish she could know how incredibly sorry I am for what I did, she didn't deserve what I did to her at all. She treated me way better than any other girl I had feelings for and I treated her worse than anyone I ever have. Her hate for me doesn't even come close to how much I hate myself.

I really feel lost right now as I don't know what to do. What I know must be done is that I must turn the page and start writing a new chapter, but you'll have to forgive me if I just stare blankly at this page for awhile. I am sure that I will never be able to forgive myself for happened, and I don't think I should, even though that is contrary to advice of so many friends. What I did was inexcusable, so what if I was temporarily insane. Forgiveness could only have been achieved through her and I will never get that now, that is obvious. Hopefully, the scar that this leaves will always remind to be better than I was that day.

Weeks 37 & 38:

Not a lot to say about the diet, I gained a pound over this last three day - holiday weekend. I'm still plagued by the old habit of when I'm bored I go out and when I go out alone, I go out to eat and don't eat well. So as of the weigh in this week we're at 247, 27 pounds away from the goal.

Training for the Tough Mudder is right on track, the last long run I had was a 6.5 miles. So that puts me a 1/2 mile short of the distance that the Mudder is to be covering. Oh yeah did I tell you, because of a bunch retarded hardcore runner types they have decided to make the course more difficult. Seriously, if you wanna kill yourself go train for a triathlon, dorks! I'm trying to get outside more to run so that terrain becomes a factor, but the scenery at the gym is much nicer than the cookie cutter homes and pot holed roads of Fleetwood ;). I have run 2.5 miles outside and I felt just fine after. Did a little mt biking Friday (or Saturday I can't remember which) at Blue Marsh. Rode from the Day Use area to Church Road and back which is about 15 miles round trip. Not to bad for the first time out. It is one of my bigger goals to get the whole 30 mile loop done by the end of the summer, but we'll build up to it each time out. A little bit of bad news I think I broke a toe or two at work last night, they are both an ugly purple color and a bit swollen. But I ran 3 miles today mostly pain free, luckily they are those useless toes that I seem to break at least once a year.

How am I doing otherwise? Up until this past weekend, I was feeling much better. Maybe it is the meds, maybe its that time healed my wound, maybe its the letter I wrote to let out all my feelings and apologies, maybe it is Spring who knows but I really felt good. I was hardly thinking about my thing at all by Thursday of last week. But then Friday came, I went mtb alone, went out to eat alone,....I guess its safe to say I felt kind of alone and I started to think about those things that have been bothering me. Of course that all carries over for most of the weekend and I hardly got any sleep. That has been the worst part of this all is that I don't sleep well, and when I do it is typically because Mr. TylenolPM is helping.

One last cool thing, in case you missed my FB post. Monday of last week I was talking to my Spin instructor and she commented on how trim I was starting to look. Part of it probably was the Large shirt I was wearing rather than my normal XL workout shirts. It really is amazing the effect good fitting clothes have on your appearance. Anyway she asks me what I've been doing , yada yada yada then asks me if I'd be interested in sharing my story with everyone for the next edition of the Body Zone newsletter. Of course my answer was yes as you all know how I have taken to this change and to trying to help others with any advice I can. Unfortunately, the person writing the story had found someone for this next issue but she already told me she plans for me to be in the next issue. It was a very cool moment to say the least!