Week 31:

Weighed in Monday at 256 which is a two pound loss for the week and a 66 pound total loss. So we've made it to the 2/3 completion mark of this crazy journey. There are so many things I want to say but I'm gonna hold it for my birthday weigh in when I recap this crazy 7 months.

Wondering how am I doing? I have good days and some really bad days. I am still struggling to forgive myself for that outburst and its results, I still think about it to much. What I wish for more than anything is that I didn't ruin the friendship. I would have been able to deal with the heartbreak of "being just a friend" again, but she was to great of a girl to have cut out from my life. I'm trying to push all those "why" thoughts from my head when they randomly pop into my daily routine, but it is hard sometimes because there are things that just trigger it right now that I have no control over.

I had some fun this past weekend hanging out with friends during Tubing Fest '10. For the most part I spent an entire nite not thinking about anything but the good time I was having. Although I will admit it, I wanted partake in the adult beverage fun that was going on with Tubing Fest more so than ever since the beginning of PDD. I know that enjoying a night of boozing and partying with friends is completely acceptable, but I worry about the timing. My birthday is in two Saturdays and I had set it as another end of a 12 week sobriety stretch and a celebration of my progress. I can honestly say that I am almost hesitant to drink on my bday because I sort of feel like I'm dangerously close to giving up on this. I have lost a lot of my commitment these past few weeks, yeah I'm still getting to the gym and eating right, but my effort sometimes is way sub-par and I have had more little cheat moments than ever. It is hard to wonder if it is really worth all the hard work and the fun that is being missed. I think that there is plenty of fight left in me to push past all this, but something positive needs to develop soon. There is to much of a negative cloud around me right now.

So yeah that started to get a little depressing, sorry. Anyway Feb 20th is the celebration of my 38th trip around the sun and it is my intention to enjoy myself wholeheartedly. You are all invited to come out to Fleetwood and hangout with me. The only plan I have at this moment is to visit The Legion and Grand Central Taproom but who knows.