This isn't gonna be your normal "how's the diet going" blog entry. I need to let go of some piled up emotion that will likely tear me to pieces and ruin the personal change progress if I don't because right now I am failing to see the point of all this hard work and depriving myself of all the goodies that life has to offer.
As many of you, my faithful fans :), know a few months ago I ripped into a female acquaintance here on my blog. We had gone on a date and had been chatting for awhile. Because I had "that feeling" about her for quite a long time prior to this date I lost control of my emotions when she emailed me that she didn't want to continue dating me. The unexpected change of heart, my strong feelings for her and other lifetime disappointments ignited an anger within me that I had never experienced before. I regrettably was writing my blog when I received that email and instead of walking away from my computer I unleashed that anger through my words on this blog. I cannot begin to describe how horrible I have felt since that day because I can't find a way to forgive myself. I have taken advice of friends and sought counseling and I'm also taking an anti-depressant to help balance me out. Part of what was suggested was that I write her a letter to explain why things happened and how incredibly sorry I was. It's purpose was to give me a sense of closure and a feeling that, even if she didn't respond, I had tried all that I could to atone for my mistake. Since the letter has been sent I have been improving, and I felt I was okay to put this horrible mess behind me. I still hadn't forgiven myself for my actions but I was accepting that there was nothing else to do.
Then this morning I went upstairs to make my daily bowl of Cheerios and there sitting on the counter was my letter. My heart sank as I picked it up and saw the word "REFUSED" written across it. I honestly felt like throwing up looking at the letter. An anxiety attack followed, I felt like I couldn't breathe and emotionally I felt like crying and like putting my fist through a wall at the same time. I texted a few friends for help, but decided to go do what I do best and that was go to the gym. Before I got the car started I had replies, I began to tear up while replying as it all started to overwhelm me. I have never done anything to hurt someone intentionally. And the realization of the amount of hurt I must have caused in order to make a former friend refuse receipt of a letter is just to much for me to bear. I know she didn't want to hear from me again, and it was my intention to respect her wish, but the advice I got was to send it. I prepared myself for an unpleasant response even though I didn't expect any response at all. I had hoped that she would understand what had caused my ugly outburst and maybe begin to forgive me. Most of all what I expected was that she would just chuck it in the trash, and that would have been fine as it was hers to do with what she wanted at that point. What I did not anticipate was that she would go out her way to refuse it and shove my emotions back in my face. I guess it is her way of saying "FUCK YOU" and slamming the door completely shut on this chapter of my life. Sadly, I don't blame her. I just wish she could know how incredibly sorry I am for what I did, she didn't deserve what I did to her at all. She treated me way better than any other girl I had feelings for and I treated her worse than anyone I ever have. Her hate for me doesn't even come close to how much I hate myself.
I really feel lost right now as I don't know what to do. What I know must be done is that I must turn the page and start writing a new chapter, but you'll have to forgive me if I just stare blankly at this page for awhile. I am sure that I will never be able to forgive myself for happened, and I don't think I should, even though that is contrary to advice of so many friends. What I did was inexcusable, so what if I was temporarily insane. Forgiveness could only have been achieved through her and I will never get that now, that is obvious. Hopefully, the scar that this leaves will always remind to be better than I was that day.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Weeks 37 & 38:
Not a lot to say about the diet, I gained a pound over this last three day - holiday weekend. I'm still plagued by the old habit of when I'm bored I go out and when I go out alone, I go out to eat and don't eat well. So as of the weigh in this week we're at 247, 27 pounds away from the goal.
Training for the Tough Mudder is right on track, the last long run I had was a 6.5 miles. So that puts me a 1/2 mile short of the distance that the Mudder is to be covering. Oh yeah did I tell you, because of a bunch retarded hardcore runner types they have decided to make the course more difficult. Seriously, if you wanna kill yourself go train for a triathlon, dorks! I'm trying to get outside more to run so that terrain becomes a factor, but the scenery at the gym is much nicer than the cookie cutter homes and pot holed roads of Fleetwood ;). I have run 2.5 miles outside and I felt just fine after. Did a little mt biking Friday (or Saturday I can't remember which) at Blue Marsh. Rode from the Day Use area to Church Road and back which is about 15 miles round trip. Not to bad for the first time out. It is one of my bigger goals to get the whole 30 mile loop done by the end of the summer, but we'll build up to it each time out. A little bit of bad news I think I broke a toe or two at work last night, they are both an ugly purple color and a bit swollen. But I ran 3 miles today mostly pain free, luckily they are those useless toes that I seem to break at least once a year.
How am I doing otherwise? Up until this past weekend, I was feeling much better. Maybe it is the meds, maybe its that time healed my wound, maybe its the letter I wrote to let out all my feelings and apologies, maybe it is Spring who knows but I really felt good. I was hardly thinking about my thing at all by Thursday of last week. But then Friday came, I went mtb alone, went out to eat alone,....I guess its safe to say I felt kind of alone and I started to think about those things that have been bothering me. Of course that all carries over for most of the weekend and I hardly got any sleep. That has been the worst part of this all is that I don't sleep well, and when I do it is typically because Mr. TylenolPM is helping.
One last cool thing, in case you missed my FB post. Monday of last week I was talking to my Spin instructor and she commented on how trim I was starting to look. Part of it probably was the Large shirt I was wearing rather than my normal XL workout shirts. It really is amazing the effect good fitting clothes have on your appearance. Anyway she asks me what I've been doing , yada yada yada then asks me if I'd be interested in sharing my story with everyone for the next edition of the Body Zone newsletter. Of course my answer was yes as you all know how I have taken to this change and to trying to help others with any advice I can. Unfortunately, the person writing the story had found someone for this next issue but she already told me she plans for me to be in the next issue. It was a very cool moment to say the least!
Training for the Tough Mudder is right on track, the last long run I had was a 6.5 miles. So that puts me a 1/2 mile short of the distance that the Mudder is to be covering. Oh yeah did I tell you, because of a bunch retarded hardcore runner types they have decided to make the course more difficult. Seriously, if you wanna kill yourself go train for a triathlon, dorks! I'm trying to get outside more to run so that terrain becomes a factor, but the scenery at the gym is much nicer than the cookie cutter homes and pot holed roads of Fleetwood ;). I have run 2.5 miles outside and I felt just fine after. Did a little mt biking Friday (or Saturday I can't remember which) at Blue Marsh. Rode from the Day Use area to Church Road and back which is about 15 miles round trip. Not to bad for the first time out. It is one of my bigger goals to get the whole 30 mile loop done by the end of the summer, but we'll build up to it each time out. A little bit of bad news I think I broke a toe or two at work last night, they are both an ugly purple color and a bit swollen. But I ran 3 miles today mostly pain free, luckily they are those useless toes that I seem to break at least once a year.
How am I doing otherwise? Up until this past weekend, I was feeling much better. Maybe it is the meds, maybe its that time healed my wound, maybe its the letter I wrote to let out all my feelings and apologies, maybe it is Spring who knows but I really felt good. I was hardly thinking about my thing at all by Thursday of last week. But then Friday came, I went mtb alone, went out to eat alone,....I guess its safe to say I felt kind of alone and I started to think about those things that have been bothering me. Of course that all carries over for most of the weekend and I hardly got any sleep. That has been the worst part of this all is that I don't sleep well, and when I do it is typically because Mr. TylenolPM is helping.
One last cool thing, in case you missed my FB post. Monday of last week I was talking to my Spin instructor and she commented on how trim I was starting to look. Part of it probably was the Large shirt I was wearing rather than my normal XL workout shirts. It really is amazing the effect good fitting clothes have on your appearance. Anyway she asks me what I've been doing , yada yada yada then asks me if I'd be interested in sharing my story with everyone for the next edition of the Body Zone newsletter. Of course my answer was yes as you all know how I have taken to this change and to trying to help others with any advice I can. Unfortunately, the person writing the story had found someone for this next issue but she already told me she plans for me to be in the next issue. It was a very cool moment to say the least!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
week 35/36:
Wow, it really seems like a long time between posts since I've decided to do this every two weeks. I actually almost forgot about doing it this week. Anyways....weighed in on Saturday after my 6 mile run, lol I know, 6 miles who would have ever thought I'd say that, and the scaled showed 246 this time. 3 more pounds gone and lost forever! That brings the total to 76 friggin' pounds! I'm only 26 pounds away from that goal of 220, I still struggle to wrap my head around the magnitude of the whole thing.
Lately I have not been very UNappreciative of the congratulations and well wishes that have been passed onto me. I'm sorry to any of you that felt slighted for giving me praises and did not receive the appropriate thanks. Part of it for me, I guess, is that I know that I'm not at my goal yet, and it feels a bit premature to celebrate my accomplishment. Having once gone through a big weight loss stretch before, I know that there is plenty of potential for failure even at this point. While I don't think I can be derailed this time, especially if I'm still losing weight in my current mood, I do understand your sentiment and intentions, but there is that piece of me that wants to say "hold your applause until the end." The other reason would be my mood/mental state. Yes I'm still struggling to put that awful day behind me. I'm doing everything I can to get by it all, including some things I never thought I would do. I can't explain why I'm letting this linger; I just know I hurt because of my actions and I just can't seem to forgive myself for them. Maybe its because I never have done anything like that before. I have always buried my feelings and swallowed my pains in order to avoid hurting someone's feelings. I just need a way to move on. Thanks to all of my really special friends who have tried so hard to pull me out of my mood. Even if it may not seem it, I do listen to everything you have to say and I want you to know I'm trying. Believe me when I say I do appreciate the support even if I seem ungrateful right now and that goes for everyone.
I did go out to do some shopping a couple of weeks ago, and for the first time since probably high school I actually bought clothes from one of those "trendy" mall stores. I don't know if you've ever noticed but places like the Gap and American Eagle don't exactly cater to the big folks. Bought a few pretty cool LARGE t-shirts, yeah thats right not XL but L. Also needed some shorts because I have none the even come close to fitting any more. I was super stoked when I grabbed a pair of size 40 cargo shorts and they were WAY to loose, hahaha! So I can cross off another of my bigger goals from the list and that goal was to wear pants/shorts smaller than size 40. The shorts I bought are a size 38!!! Very cool, indeed. I've tried to jog my brain but all the alcohol between high school and now have fuzzied my memory; I have no idea when I last wore pants this small. Anyone wanna bet I can get to a 34??
Now that spring has sprung you all have no excuse but to get your buts out there and do something to improve your health. Take the kids on a bike ride, go for a walk with your girl/guy, just go do something!
Here is something that has been bouncing around in my mind but I don't really know how to pursue it. I would love some advice from anyone who may have an idea. Once I have completely gotten myself out of the "obese" category, which they say I still am even though I can run six miles in under an hour (grumble...stupid body mass index what do you know), I would like a way to get actively involved with breaking the obesity cycle that is destroying so many lives. I know that I am a fat kid because my parents fed me bad foods and never really got any kind of healthy living education. I became aware of this one day when my niece came over after school. There were donuts on the counter in the kitchen and when she saw them she said "I so deserve this donut." I thought 'wow really? Who deserves a donut?' and proceeded to discuss with her why she thought she deserved a donut. That kind of mentality she displayed only leads to weight issues. I never really thought about how poorly we use food until that moment. I have also seen it when my mother is babysitting the grandkids, the typical meal involves some combo of the following: french fries, hot dogs, ring bologna, Doritos, and pizza. I have always teased my mom that it is her fault that I was fat, but I was always referring to how good her cooking is, not the nutritional quality or lack there of. There is a cycle that needs to be broken in order to save kids from the fate that I have suffer through. Part of it is getting parents to understand what they are doing to their kids by letting McD's become there favorite food group and the other part is motivating kids to learn about nutrition and get them exercising. Sorry I started getting preachy again, but anyone of you have asked for my help know that I can get rather passionate about this weight loss thing and helping those that want it. This is something I really think I could become heavily involved with if I can find a way. If you have any thoughts as to how to get myself into this please let me know.
Lately I have not been very UNappreciative of the congratulations and well wishes that have been passed onto me. I'm sorry to any of you that felt slighted for giving me praises and did not receive the appropriate thanks. Part of it for me, I guess, is that I know that I'm not at my goal yet, and it feels a bit premature to celebrate my accomplishment. Having once gone through a big weight loss stretch before, I know that there is plenty of potential for failure even at this point. While I don't think I can be derailed this time, especially if I'm still losing weight in my current mood, I do understand your sentiment and intentions, but there is that piece of me that wants to say "hold your applause until the end." The other reason would be my mood/mental state. Yes I'm still struggling to put that awful day behind me. I'm doing everything I can to get by it all, including some things I never thought I would do. I can't explain why I'm letting this linger; I just know I hurt because of my actions and I just can't seem to forgive myself for them. Maybe its because I never have done anything like that before. I have always buried my feelings and swallowed my pains in order to avoid hurting someone's feelings. I just need a way to move on. Thanks to all of my really special friends who have tried so hard to pull me out of my mood. Even if it may not seem it, I do listen to everything you have to say and I want you to know I'm trying. Believe me when I say I do appreciate the support even if I seem ungrateful right now and that goes for everyone.
I did go out to do some shopping a couple of weeks ago, and for the first time since probably high school I actually bought clothes from one of those "trendy" mall stores. I don't know if you've ever noticed but places like the Gap and American Eagle don't exactly cater to the big folks. Bought a few pretty cool LARGE t-shirts, yeah thats right not XL but L. Also needed some shorts because I have none the even come close to fitting any more. I was super stoked when I grabbed a pair of size 40 cargo shorts and they were WAY to loose, hahaha! So I can cross off another of my bigger goals from the list and that goal was to wear pants/shorts smaller than size 40. The shorts I bought are a size 38!!! Very cool, indeed. I've tried to jog my brain but all the alcohol between high school and now have fuzzied my memory; I have no idea when I last wore pants this small. Anyone wanna bet I can get to a 34??
Now that spring has sprung you all have no excuse but to get your buts out there and do something to improve your health. Take the kids on a bike ride, go for a walk with your girl/guy, just go do something!
Here is something that has been bouncing around in my mind but I don't really know how to pursue it. I would love some advice from anyone who may have an idea. Once I have completely gotten myself out of the "obese" category, which they say I still am even though I can run six miles in under an hour (grumble...stupid body mass index what do you know), I would like a way to get actively involved with breaking the obesity cycle that is destroying so many lives. I know that I am a fat kid because my parents fed me bad foods and never really got any kind of healthy living education. I became aware of this one day when my niece came over after school. There were donuts on the counter in the kitchen and when she saw them she said "I so deserve this donut." I thought 'wow really? Who deserves a donut?' and proceeded to discuss with her why she thought she deserved a donut. That kind of mentality she displayed only leads to weight issues. I never really thought about how poorly we use food until that moment. I have also seen it when my mother is babysitting the grandkids, the typical meal involves some combo of the following: french fries, hot dogs, ring bologna, Doritos, and pizza. I have always teased my mom that it is her fault that I was fat, but I was always referring to how good her cooking is, not the nutritional quality or lack there of. There is a cycle that needs to be broken in order to save kids from the fate that I have suffer through. Part of it is getting parents to understand what they are doing to their kids by letting McD's become there favorite food group and the other part is motivating kids to learn about nutrition and get them exercising. Sorry I started getting preachy again, but anyone of you have asked for my help know that I can get rather passionate about this weight loss thing and helping those that want it. This is something I really think I could become heavily involved with if I can find a way. If you have any thoughts as to how to get myself into this please let me know.
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