A few months ago when I was struggling with the results of my misuse of this blog (a.k.a. The Meltdown), the therapist I was talking with kept hammering this point that I need to start taking more than I give. Her opinion of me was that I tried too hard to make people around me happy with my actions even if it came at the expense of my own happiness. She posed a question to me that at the time I had no answer for, "What do you want?" It bothered me that I didn't have an answer at that moment, I mean shouldn't we all know what we want out of our lives? Well, apparently I don't. I am envious of those of you who had plans; for career, for life, for your futures. I am jealous that you knew what you wanted out of this adventure called life and took strides to get that what you wanted. Sure, the things we thought we wanted when we were 18 may not be what we want now, but that really isn't my point. Just the fact you wanted something gave you a purpose. Lacking this purpose is frustrating because I feel like nothing I do has any value. I honestly, thought the things that I wanted would just find me; that I would be inspired to be a whatever and I would give every ounce of my soul into being a great whatever, that I would just collide with this perfect girl to share my life with in some random non-specific way. But none of that has happened, maybe it is all just a fairy tale that I believed in. Since I never found that flame that caused me to become a whatever or never randomly stood next to her in line for the bathroom at some concert, I have just rolled along with life and just tried to have as much fun as I could along the way, but the whole time I was just along for the ride. This past week, I heard that question again verbatim, and said the same way with the same tone and meaning. It wasn't directed at me but because I have no answer, the question rings in my ears when i hear it. I decided tonight I was going to try to answer it and maybe something will standout and make a change....of course some of this will be comical, it wouldn't be me if it weren't. I'm pretty sure you'll be able to know the difference.
I WANT:
- people to stop telling me what I can't do. I think I already proved that I can do something pretty difficult when motivated. So stop doubting me and start challenging me.
- my age, my profession and where I live to stop being the first questions every girl I talk to asks.
- to be judged by my actions as a person not by my career.
- these F%#$^#$ headaches to stop!
- at least one moment when I look into a woman's eyes and know that she feels EXACTLY the same about me as I do about her.
- this world to be ruled by logic and not profit and power.
- karma to be real. Both for the good and the bad.
- Brett Favre to retire, FOREVER. This one is not a joke, I hate this guy!
- to continue on this path of healthier, more active living.
- to find someone to hangout with me on above mentioned path.
- just one chance to say "I'm sorry" to Julie face to face.
- to stop regretting all the mistakes and bad choices.
- our nation to stop being so wasteful.
- to learn kung fu. It would be interesting to see if you all think this one's a joke or not.
- to learn to play the guitar.
- to never act in anger again.
- to reach my 100 pound goal (which is on hold now due to PCS).
- something in my life that i cherish so much that I would kill to keep.
- childhood obesity to end. And to see the day that fast food restaurants and game console companies vanish.
- a female 5'8" brunette, athletic but not one that kicks my ass at everything, witty, intelligent, strong, independent, appreciative, adventurous,....
- parents to own up to their responsibility to raise their own kids and stop blaming; schools, tv, movies, the internet etc for their children's poor behaviors.
- to be better person everyday.
- these F@#$%@3 headaches to stop, yeah I know....
- that carbon fiber road bike I can't afford.
- to share a plane ride with Jessica Biehl so that I could convince her to "Drop that zero and get with the hero." Screw you Timberlake!
- to feel the way I felt on November 21st for the rest of my life.
- my friends, especially my closest friends, to find the happiness they all deserve.
- to thank all of you who did what you could to pull me out of my depression.
- respect.
- to be happy again without the fat and drunk part.
- Rob Schneider and David Spade to stop being allowed in movies just because they are friends with Sandler.
- that one great idea.
- to shut up cuz it's now 2 a.m.
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