First week back

 “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” Elanor Roosevelt

 So it all began once again and I was able to get myself back into the groove pretty easily.  Returning to the 5-6 small meals everyday keeping the caloric intake under 2000 per day wasn't very difficult.  The first couple of days were a rough transition as my tummy screamed for food on several occasions between the tiny 300 calories meals.  Hell those are snacks to some people and I'm calling them meals.  I survived the transition and by the weekend my desire to eat a huge pile of anything had evaporated.  From the exercise standpoint I managed to avoid hurting myself in the first week.  Since I am typically so "all or nothing" I really had to force myself to avoid pushing it to hard to quickly.  Took just one Spin class and swam twice, and in both cases I restrained myself.  Being off for so long and eating so poorly I wasn't really sure if I was fit enough to attack the cardio stuff very hard so the intensity was dialed back.  The end result of the first week was a 5 lb loss!  I don't expect to keep that kind of pace up but I'm not complaining about it.  And that was the good news for the week.....

Now for the bad news:
An ugly side of me resurfaced midweek last week, and I decided after a very complicated weekend emotionally that I would share something with you all that I have been hiding for a long long time:  I suffer from depression.  It is something that I have dealt with for a lot longer than this blog has existed but I have managed to deal with it or at least cover it up from everyone for most of my life.  Humor and drunken stupidity were my tactics for masking how I really was doing emotionally.  I realized it when dealing with that girl problem you all may remember reading about.  That was the first time it had gotten out of my control.  That was the first time it was officially diagnosed and the first time that it became completely debilitating, but I know that it has been an issue for me since my college years.  This is difficult for me to share because I don't want to be perceived any differently by any of you.  All I can really say is that it sucks, the times when it hits me the hardest I do nothing but lay in bed.  This weekend was one of those moments, I tried several times to get up and do something constructive but by the time I got to my door I just wanted to lay back down so I did.  What is worse is that it begins to affect me mentally and I do some strange things and become very absent-minded.  The other day at work I spelled possible: "p-i-l-e," yeah it gets that bad.

To be honest I've been staring at this above paragraph for quite awhile, fighting the urge to delete it all. However, I feel I have to unload this burden now, it has been my Achilles Heel in this fight to my 100 pound goal.  Twice now I have gotten within reach of my goal only to fall backwards when an injury and other bullshit crushed my morale and allow the depression to regain a foothold.  I shared my problem with someone who is almost a complete stranger last week and I figured if I could share it with her then I should be able to share it with everyone

So why now?  Why, when I seem to have the motivation and the health back enabling my return to this battle to live and become a better me???  Well it's simply a girls fault, ok its not her fault but hanging around her has picked at a wound that I thought had healed.  She is a new, albeit temporary, co-worker but hopefully a good friend in the making.  She is one of the coolest girls that I have come across, ever.  Instantly we had a pretty good vibe, and yes I may be crushing on her a little.  Oddly enough, I've worked out around her at BZ for the past two years and she never really caught my eye, but everyday that I hang out with her I become more attracted to her.  I am genuinely more attracted to the person that she is than her outward beauty.  Don't get me wrong this girl is attractive, but you know what I mean, we all have the "types" that we are attracted to and she really isn't mine (besides the being fit thing).  This is a bizarre occurrence for me, and to be honest I was kind of confused about it at first.  I don't know that I ever experienced this form of attraction before and it kind of turns my ideas about dating on its ear.  Anyway being around her so much also dug up ugly emotions because it was pretty obvious to me that she wasn't into me in the boyfriend potential kind of way.  Even without asking her out I began to hate myself for being apparently the most unattractive man on Earth.  I mean how else is possible that almost every girl I like wants no part of me.  I understand we all are looking for something that sparks a fire inside of us, but why is it that I don't ever seem to be able to do just that.  I don't blame my new friend at all but it is just hard for me to deal with this constant rejection. This is the reason that I'm hung up on Julie still to this very moment.  She is the only girl that ever made me feel wanted and it ended to abruptly.  If that makes me pathetic then I guess I am, but it is my struggle that I deal with all the time. 

It is becoming more evident here lately that I may need to return to the doctor and discuss my medical options.  Right now I am spiking emotionally and the swings are getting worse.  Last night at work I show up, I'm all happy, my endorphin high from the workout is still cranking and then I do something stupid and make a comment in jest that overstepped a boundary. I upset someone and betrayed a trusting bond that I was enjoying, I knew it the second it came out of my mouth that it was very uncool, and immediately started to feel like crap.  Few minutes later after getting scolded by my friend, which I totally deserved, my night went to hell.  I spent the rest of the night fighting off what I guess could be described as an anxiety attack.  I hate the idea of needing medication to level me out, I didn't really like how I felt when I was on it in the past.  But if things don't improve soon it may be where I end up.

So the struggle continues on, I managed to at least squash the really bad feelings and have been faithful to my routine.  It is my routine that carries me through some days, seeing those supportive faces at the gym are always a big help on the ugliest of days, and knowing that just doing something at the gym is calming force in my life.

Back again

It has certainly been a long time since my last post. Did you miss me??? I'm not to sure why I stopped writing prior to my triathlon and never finished documenting that adventure, but there is no point dwelling over it.

So what have I been up to since April? NOTHING and that's bad for the project. Shortly after the triathlon , which I will fill you in on later, I decided to visit the doctor because of pain I was having in my right shoulder. I figured it was nothing more than tendinitis but I wanted to be certain that I didn't have something really wrong before I began training for my second triathlon. Tendinitis (biceps) was indeed the diagnosis and so I began the anti-inflamatory/physical therapy path to recovery (or at least I thought). A month later, when no progress was made, injections became the next step along with more therapy. The longer this went the more frustrated I became. I wasn't getting better, in fact the pain was increasing and was no longer occasional, it was constant. Because I was getting frustrated I started to slide off the diet wagon and slowly started to regain weight. I know, you would have thought that I would have learned from last year's nightmarish summer that if I would control my eating that the frustration would be less umm frustrating. Unfortunately, I'm not always as smart as I tell you that I am. Finally, after three different shots in the shoulder, a couple visits to a specialist and about 4 months of PT, the pain began to fade (it was the final shot that did the trick). It has been about a month since the pain went away so I am ready (and confident that I am healthy, which is more important than you could believe) to get back in the fight.

For the record, I have gained 35 pounds since the tri and now weigh 290. I'm not happy about it but as it was mentioned before I have this occasional "fuck it" mentality when uncontrollable things stop me from doing what I want to do. I really wish I didn't get that way but I haven't been able to change that part of myself yet, maybe the third time's a charm.

“I don’t measure a man’s success by how high he
climbs, but by how high he bounces back when he hits obstacles.” George Patten

And with that I am ready to rededicate myself to my goal, again. I have some new motivation. No, silly people I don't have a girlfriend, just the other day I got my driver license renewal paperwork from the DOT. If you all could see my license pic you would understand. It has been a constant visual reminder how far gone I was (and how much hair I was losing :P), and I want nothing more than to completely change that disgust I feel when I look at it with some sense of pride in the accomplishment. So with my birthday 12 weeks away, I am setting the goal of 250 by my birthday. A lofty goal indeed, 40 pounds in 12 weeks, but you know I can do it, especially since the beach season is over I will have an easier time staying focused on weekends.

So hopefully, this time around I can keep a regular schedule of updating you along my way to success. I was going to write about the tri at the end of this new chapter, but it stirs some emotions for me that I still struggle with. I had started writing but I decided it would be better to dedicate a whole entry to it at a later date.

Until next time, Happy Dieting.

April Check-In

Time for the monthly update...weighed in at the gym, 260lbs. The total is finally back over 60 pounds and the goal is only 38 away. That is the first time in a long time that I have seen so much progress with the weight loss. When I hit the scale two weeks ago before the Tough Mudder, I weighed 267, so that makes this a monster two weeks. What is even better is that the week after the Mudder, I did very little from a diet and exercise perspective as I was nursing some injuries and licking my wounds, but I dialed the focus back in this week. Not a missed workout and not a single, even marginal, moment of cheating on the diet this week and BAM, we have some results. I have every intention of carrying this on and on for the next couple months as I prepare myself for the triathlon.

Training for the triathlon has been going just fine. Today (Friday) I swam 800yds, the close approximation to the swim distance in the tri, with minimal breaks. Swam 2 - 200yd sets then 4- 100yd sets after warming up. I gotta start working on extending my non-stop distance, it seems as I get past 125 yds or so I start to lose my form and I get sloppy. Sloppy = wasted energy! I'm encouraged that I'm a getting better each week. Mother Nature is certainly not helping the bike training. I wanna get out on Kick Ass so bad but I don't have cold weather gear (nor do I wish to buy any at the moment). I've been out twice when it SEEMED nice, but let me tell you 55 deg on a bike cruising at a good pace is kinda cold! So I'm stuck listening to Mary and Jessica (Spin instructors) bark at me while I pedal my ass off on a bike that doesn't move while I wait for warmer, drier weather. hmmm I wonder what a Spin class would be like if the instructor was more yoga instructor rather than drill instructor or yoga music played instead of J-Lo? BTW Just teasing, Mary!

Couple weeks ago the second Tough Mudder event was held at Bear Creek. After last year's event many folks complained that it wasn't tough enough. Well the folks at Tough Mudder apparently took those complaints to heart and they raised the bar, SUBSTANTIALLY! For starters they added about four more miles to the course. Then with the help of Mother Nature, condition were ripe with peril and challenge. For starters, we had to run down the STILL snow covered slope. Mud was so thick at spots sneakers were getting pulled off people's feet (I was smart and taped mine on). The water in their ponds was so cold people were being treated for acute hypothermia. Plus there seemed to be a lot more up and down the mountain in this years course. Oh yeah, there was a jabenero pepper eating challenge, I nearly threw up. Unfortunately, I was unable to complete this years course. I was having serious cramping issues in my calves after the first dip into ice cold water, and this was maybe 5 miles into the event. Knowing that they weren't gonna go away I threw in the towel and became a spectator. I was disappointed that I didn't make a better showing, but it was the wise thing to do. Injuring myself was a major concern for me from the starting smoke bombs. With slippery conditions, bad footing, and polar bear water temps, I was so worried about slipping and pulling a hammy or snapping an ankle. So I took my time and was very cautious. I have invested to much time and money into this triathlon pursuit that injuring myself and missing training time was the last thing I wanted to do. Maybe next year I will try again, we'll see.

The March Update

Finally had a little free time to right, yes I have been that busy, as I await to go to work. Weighed in at 264 this morning, which is good news, as this last month has been a real bummer when it comes to dropping any weight. Despite working out 6-10 hours per week (all cardio) I haven't had much luck getting the weight loss thing rolling like before. I have some pretty good ideas as to why and this week's loss confirms my suspicions. Lately, there has been a struggle for me to avoid eating after work (11p.m.) and sometimes those eats are really way out of line. Personally, I don't prescribe to the thinking that you shouldn't eat after a certain time at night. The thinking is that when you are asleep, you are body is at rest and you will not process the food as well and as such it will be stored as fat. But our bodies are always working even during sleep and since using the 6 small meals a day strategy, I have always ate late. The trick is to eat much more conservatively for that last meal. Here lies the problem that I've been fighting, I will, after work, frequent a place like Sheetz or even a Burger King. Sometimes it is just the stresses of work and my situation there that bring me down enough that I desire happiness, and the most efficient way to satisfy the ache is a quick stop on the way home. Truth be told, as my diet has gone, for me to eat a burger or a grilled chicken sub isn't really all that bad IF I only eat that, but those trips after work often include fries and a coke or a bag of salt & vinegar chips and a candy bar. What is worse though about those little points of weakness is the timing of those meals. If I were to cheat like that during the day, my typical daily activities would balance the scales by burning those calories off, but when consumed late at night they sit there like a lead weight. It is just to much food before bed, and it is a habit I MUST break.

A lot of cool things have happened since my last report. The swimming is really starting to progress. I swam my first non-stop 100 yards and after this past week's lesson, I think that I am finally starting to "get it." Being calm and relaxed in the water makes the biggest difference. There is a long way to go from an endurance standpoint as I need to be able to swim a 1/2 mile in the ocean in three months.....OH didn't I tell you ;P I signed myself up for a TRIATHLON! Yup, 1/2 mile swim-14 mile bike- 3.2 mile run that's where I'm taking Project Downsize to next. Assateague Island is the location and it is on Sunday of Father's Day weekend. When I signed up I had no idea that it was going to be Father's Day, and to be quite honest I don't know how I feel about it. Obviously, Father's Day was gonna be a rough one this year, but to do something like run my first triathlon on my first Father's Day without a father has churned up a lot of emotion and I anticipate it being worse that day. Okay, so to get away from that sadness, since I need to bike 14 miles I went out and bought a brand spanking new Fuji road bike, which I have named Kick Ass. This thing is so ridiculously light and fast, now all I need is some better weather.

So there is lots and lots of training to be done in the next three months, oh and the Tough Mudder is in April as well can't wait to jump in that 50 degree water (sarcasm).....

My free time has expired so I must go!

Quickie Update

Before I left for my beach birthday weekend I weighed myself and intended on writing this here update before I went away. However, that obviously didn't happen and so it is happening now whether you are ready or not.

The weigh in was 266, a 3 pound loss for the week and 13 pound total drop since the beginning of the year. Since I'm still stepping on the scales too often, I was actually a little disappointed because at one point during the week I was at 264. Gotta stop that habit somehow and maybe this weekend will help. You see while I was down in OCMD I did NOTHING, except eat, drink and relax and it was glorious! It was a much needed mini-vacation as the 6 day a week work and workout thing had me worn out. But the side affect of doing what I did down there certainly put some weight back on, I weighed myself when I got home and it was kinda ugly. So now I plan to stay off the scales until next Friday, mostly to avoid feeling guilty about having a fun, relaxing weekend.

I decided to stop lifting last week and strictly focus on the cardio stuff. Swim, bike, run....The Tough Mudder is like six weeks away so I need to focus on getting ready for that. I had what I describe as a breakthrough in the pool last week during my lesson. Coach Warren has been very remindful that I am not looking relaxed in the pool. In my defense, there are a lot of things I am trying to remember to do right in the pool,; how to breath, taking full strokes, the kick....and all that thinking makes relaxing difficult. But somewhere in the middle of the lesson he told me to do the breaststroke for a length. This is a stroke I am pretty good at (please keep laughter to a minimum about what strokes I'm good at) and very comfortable with. When I got to the end of the pool, he said that was the most relaxed I looked in the pool to that point and then made me swim freestyle back but told me to try to duplicate the feeling. It was the best lap I had swam, and by the end of it I didn't have the same exhausted feeling as I had on EVERY lap prior. In fact I swam 4 laps without that "Oh My God, this is so hard" feeling. Hopefully I can continue to strengthen my swimming skills with this little breakthrough.

Since I want to stay off the scale for a few weeks you hear won't from me again for a week and change....peace out!

Ok update time

Today I weighed in at 269. There is progress beginning to take shape once again. That make 10 pounds since the new year and the rebirth of this project. I am actually a lil disappointed by the weigh in because I have developed the nasty habit of stepping on the scales at work every day and at one point this week I was down to 265. So I had high hopes for this weigh in report, but we have to settle for 269 this time. By the way, it is a terribly bad habit to weigh yourself more than once a week if you are trying to drop some weight. What I have learned over the past year and a half is that weight loss is a fickle SOB. The negative reinforcement of bad weigh ins are much more damaging than positivity of good ones and in many cases your daily weight is affected by other factors such as water retention. Remember that you can't be discourage over a bad weigh in or two, if you are eating healthy and working out diligently the weight WILL drop.

Since our last chat, I have begun swimming at the gym. In my last blog I told you I was gonna start, well this time I'm telling you, HOLY JEBUS, SWIMMING IS HARD! The first time I got into the pool to swim I didn't make it one length of the pool (25yds) without needing a lifeguard. lol just kidding there, but I really didn't make it the whole way. Humbling, to say the least. Later that week I met with Warren the swim coach and found out that my first big problem was that I wasn't breathing enough and that was leading to my early exhaustion. He commented that there was a real good base to work with as it pertained to my form. My two biggest areas of concerns are that I am getting no propulsion from my kick and my butt sinks into the pool to deep which causes extra drag in the water. I would have thought my big booty would float better. Swimming is gonna take a lot of work to get better at, that's for sure. As for some of the other stuff, since I started swimming my hamstring issue has seemed to fade away. I am back pushing real hard in Spin and I ran 3.5 miles on the treadmill. This weekend I'll try to tack on another half mile.

From a diet standpoint, I am doing much better controlling what I eat, but I still have my bad meal every now and then. I need to really try to force myself to eliminate these "cheating" meals and save them for my diet day off. Thanks to fellow Spinner, Don, I am gonna start tracking my daily meals again, but this time I will use the website suggested by Don www.fitday.com to help me plot out my numbers and see how I am doing. Do it for a week and you may be in for an eye opener! Potentially the diet may suffer over the next couple of weekends as this Saturday is Tubefest and next weekend I'm planning on heading to OCMD for the first beach trip of the year, and oh yeah its my birthday that weekend too.....gift cards to Dick's Sports are fine .

Well gotta go and get ready for work, ugh.....ttyl!

I'm back!

It is hard to believe that it has been nearly three months since my last posting. In all honesty, I really needed to step away from this blog until I was able to right my emotional state. I was in a very, very bad place since my dad's passing. It wasn't so much the grief of his death but the continual beating I have seemed to have been taking all year long had me worn out. I had finally given up on fighting back. My passion and drive for this goal was completely gone. For the past four or five months, I've been pretty much just going through the motions of life as I waited for the next shoe to drop. Thankfully, the past couple of months have gone without any negativity and with that I am ready to get re-focused on me.

Because I wanted to start writing again, I decided to re-read all of my blog entries in order to regain the spirit of why I was writing. Lots of emotion was stirred up over the past two or three hours as I smiled because my joys and accomplishments and bemoaned some of my bad behavior. Before setting out on re-reading my postings I was well aware that this week marked an ugly anniversary. One year ago this week I began this year that can only be described as 'calamitous' by regrettably posting an entry to this blog that was intentionally hurtful and ruined a friendship. Maybe the Karma gods punished me over this past year for that post, but that year is now officially over and it is time to once again pick myself up in Rocky-like fashion, all bloodied from this brutal year and start swinging again.

"The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place... and I don´t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently, if you let it. You, me or nobody, is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit... It's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward... how much you can take, and keep moving forward." from Rocky Balboa watch it here:


So with all that being said welcome back to my diet blog. The goals are still the same, 220 pounds and to run an Olympic triathlon. I have already signed up for Tough Mudder in April at Bear Creek, they've lengthened the course to 9+ miles and by all accounts their events are indeed tougher. The one in Jersey actually had an obstacle in which you had to run through a patch of LIVE WIRES dangling like jellyfish tentacles!!! I have re-upped my contract at Body Zone and have added the pool to my membership. Also got the number of a swim coach as I have never learned proper swimming form, so tri training can begin in earnest now!

My first weigh in of the new blog year is a positive one. Over the past two weeks I have managed to drop 7 pounds as I have finally gotten my self-discipline back and have managed to stick to the diet plan whole-heartedly. The weight as of this moment is 272, I will not lament the fact that this is 30 pounds heavier than I was at my best. In order to be successful I must allow myself to forgive and forget this past year. I have 50 pounds to lose regardless of what I weighed in May last year. That doesn't matter anymore, my battery is recharged (thanks Mary when you used 'recharge' in Spin I knew I was gonna steal the concept) and I'm back in the fight!!

My wounds will heal with time and prosperity. I will be successful, I promise you that. I will make 2011 a much better year.