Week 31:

Weighed in Monday at 256 which is a two pound loss for the week and a 66 pound total loss. So we've made it to the 2/3 completion mark of this crazy journey. There are so many things I want to say but I'm gonna hold it for my birthday weigh in when I recap this crazy 7 months.

Wondering how am I doing? I have good days and some really bad days. I am still struggling to forgive myself for that outburst and its results, I still think about it to much. What I wish for more than anything is that I didn't ruin the friendship. I would have been able to deal with the heartbreak of "being just a friend" again, but she was to great of a girl to have cut out from my life. I'm trying to push all those "why" thoughts from my head when they randomly pop into my daily routine, but it is hard sometimes because there are things that just trigger it right now that I have no control over.

I had some fun this past weekend hanging out with friends during Tubing Fest '10. For the most part I spent an entire nite not thinking about anything but the good time I was having. Although I will admit it, I wanted partake in the adult beverage fun that was going on with Tubing Fest more so than ever since the beginning of PDD. I know that enjoying a night of boozing and partying with friends is completely acceptable, but I worry about the timing. My birthday is in two Saturdays and I had set it as another end of a 12 week sobriety stretch and a celebration of my progress. I can honestly say that I am almost hesitant to drink on my bday because I sort of feel like I'm dangerously close to giving up on this. I have lost a lot of my commitment these past few weeks, yeah I'm still getting to the gym and eating right, but my effort sometimes is way sub-par and I have had more little cheat moments than ever. It is hard to wonder if it is really worth all the hard work and the fun that is being missed. I think that there is plenty of fight left in me to push past all this, but something positive needs to develop soon. There is to much of a negative cloud around me right now.

So yeah that started to get a little depressing, sorry. Anyway Feb 20th is the celebration of my 38th trip around the sun and it is my intention to enjoy myself wholeheartedly. You are all invited to come out to Fleetwood and hangout with me. The only plan I have at this moment is to visit The Legion and Grand Central Taproom but who knows.

Week 30:

I'm not in the mood to write much, plus there's not much to be said this week, sorry.

Weighed in at 258, zero loss for the week. The total is still 64 pounds

Week 29: No drama

Sorry, there'll be no drama in this week's edition of the blog. I think I've learned my lesson last week what I should and shouldn't share with you all here. It took a long time for me to settle down and snap out of that mess, I am not completely over what transpired but I'm slowly putting it behind me. I am sorry that any of you had to read that, if you know me even the slightest bit you know that is not who I am. I don't know if I had ever been that angry before, ever and afterward I was so upset at myself. There was so much hurt and disappointment in how I felt immediately following her email that I just let hate fly. I really felt different about this girl, to me there was a connection with her that I can't explain other than to say that everything felt right when I was with her or talking to her. I guess it was a one sided feeling, oh well, there's no point in dwelling on it anymore cuz I'm pretty sure I've torched that bridge forever.

As for the weigh in, I came in at 258 this week which is a pound lighter than last. Not a real surprise since I spent the better part of the week laying in bed moping over my poor behavior. The grand total at this point is 64 pounds. With 4 more weigh ins before my birthday it is pretty safe to say that I'm not getting to 220 by then. If I could pull off the 240's by 2/20 I would be extremely pleased. Not that I'm disappointed by my progress to this point but I want to keep it in mind that the goal is 220 and not to settle where I am because I'm happy that I dropped the 60+ pounds. The truth is I'm not even close to satisfied with where I'm at. There is still a whole lot squishy from the ribs down to me bum that needs to disappear. Beach season's 4 months away!

Thanks to all of you who posted on Fb, txt'ed, or talked with me during those few really bad days. It is truly great to know that you have people who care about you enough to take time to try to make you feel better when you are at your lowest.

Just a little quote I found -
"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that is true strength."