Wow I'm just sitting here staring at a blank blog, thinking about everything that happened over the past year, the incredible highs and the lowest low, and I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed.....
One year ago this weekend was the last weekend of an old life that had me on the brink of all the bad diseases; heart, diabetes, etc and likely leading to a short exit from this life. THREE HUNDRED and TWENTY-TWO pounds is what I weighed, I wore size 50 pants, my bloodwork had me teetering on the edge of the "danger zone" for all those health factors, and I was, to say the least, apathetic about life. I had given up on finding those things many people have by this stage in their lives; the girl, the job, the family, the house. I spent my free time in bars and restaurants, mostly alone, filling up the empty time with things that numbed my soul. I don't know how my life had evolved to this point because its not who I ever intended on being.
Then a trip to the beach with a great girl and friend made me realize how pathetic and lazy I had become. Her energy, her drive and her determination to make herself better made me wonder why I couldn't change my path. So I went back to the gym for the first time in almost 8 years; the first thing I did was step on the scale and that is when I hit the "rock bottom" point that made me decide something finally had to change. I cannot even describe the punch in the gut feeling I had when the scale flashed back in it's red digital numbers "3 2 2." After stewing over this outrageous number, I made the decision to lose 100 pounds and Project Downsize Duff began in my mind. The idea to lose 100 pounds by my birthday and weigh 220 on 2/20 was a clever play on numbers and the fact that I was 33 weeks away from that birthday (3lbs per week =100). Where the idea came from to create this blog and let you all along for the ride, I really don't know. I had never written a blog before, hell I didn't even read blogs, but I am so glad I did. This blog, because it created an amazing amount of support and inspiration, carried me through some really difficult patches. My intentions were strictly selfish when I decided to write this blog, I wanted to make myself accountable for my goal. It's one thing to say you're gonna do something to yourself or family and friends, but put it out there for anyone to see and you add a little pressure to actually get it done. The unexpected result of inspiring some of you to start your own Project truly has been one of the more amazing by-product of all of this. I wish you all well and continued success!
Obviously, the entire year was not all filled with rainbows and cotton candy. The results I have had (current weight 254 - 68 pounds lost) have come from some seriously hard work both on the diet and fitness end. Sacrifices have been made to separate me from the former life that was pulling me down. There are friends that I don't get to see nearly as much as I use to because I've needed to lessen my exposure to the environments that nurtured my apathy. It is not to say I have enjoyed this aspect of "the new Duff" but I understand it, but I struggle with it more than you all know. I do not completely isolate myself from those places, I just visit them much less frequently. Improving yourself nutritionally and physically is simply a decision to change your lifestyle and sometimes it hurts to do it.
I've learned some valuable lessons along the way. The biggest of them all is that even though I opened myself up to you all and bared some feelings without care about how you thought of me; a blog is no place to take personal pot-shots at anyone for any reason. Boy, I had to learn this lesson the hardest way; I managed to completely destroy a friendship to an incredible girl whom I have (yes I said "have" not "had" and I mean it too) such incredible feelings for via my misuse of this blog and my inability to control some intense anger that when I thought about it, ad nauseum, I understood that I was angry at life and not her. Although I've never wanted nothing more than to pursue a relationship with her, but I would rather just be a friend to her than have been completely cut out of each other's lives. Even though I will regret that blog entry forever, I have learned from it, I have grown from it, and I will never make that same mistake again. I managed to come out of that entire mess with a different perspective on what I want.
Hopefully, this next year will be equally as crazy, I mean who likes boring? My number one goal is still to get to 220. Since I am currently in idle due to the concussion stuff that I'm still dealing with, I am not setting a time-frame, but 220 by 2/20 sure sounds good :)!!! Another goal I am setting is to run a full Olympic triathlon (1 mi swim, 24 mi bike, 6 mi run), but I'll start small and do a Sprint version first. First we need to regain our health, the post-concussion symptoms are still there. They come and go, I have a good couple of days followed by a bad day or two. Somehow I have to remain patient and let this all go away....somehow.
Thank you all for being on this ride together with me, its been fun, its been sad, its been crazy, but most of all its been helpful!
DUFF
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
What I want
Since this head injury has me in the foulest of mood I felt like writing tonight. I had a few moments today that the PCS (post concussion Sh!t) really pissed me off. So I decided to isolate myself for the evening because I was just in no mood to deal with anyone. Hopefully the following is all coherent, I've caught myself babbling and repeating a lot lately lately. (Haha that was intentional) I will try to stay focused.
A few months ago when I was struggling with the results of my misuse of this blog (a.k.a. The Meltdown), the therapist I was talking with kept hammering this point that I need to start taking more than I give. Her opinion of me was that I tried too hard to make people around me happy with my actions even if it came at the expense of my own happiness. She posed a question to me that at the time I had no answer for, "What do you want?" It bothered me that I didn't have an answer at that moment, I mean shouldn't we all know what we want out of our lives? Well, apparently I don't. I am envious of those of you who had plans; for career, for life, for your futures. I am jealous that you knew what you wanted out of this adventure called life and took strides to get that what you wanted. Sure, the things we thought we wanted when we were 18 may not be what we want now, but that really isn't my point. Just the fact you wanted something gave you a purpose. Lacking this purpose is frustrating because I feel like nothing I do has any value. I honestly, thought the things that I wanted would just find me; that I would be inspired to be a whatever and I would give every ounce of my soul into being a great whatever, that I would just collide with this perfect girl to share my life with in some random non-specific way. But none of that has happened, maybe it is all just a fairy tale that I believed in. Since I never found that flame that caused me to become a whatever or never randomly stood next to her in line for the bathroom at some concert, I have just rolled along with life and just tried to have as much fun as I could along the way, but the whole time I was just along for the ride. This past week, I heard that question again verbatim, and said the same way with the same tone and meaning. It wasn't directed at me but because I have no answer, the question rings in my ears when i hear it. I decided tonight I was going to try to answer it and maybe something will standout and make a change....of course some of this will be comical, it wouldn't be me if it weren't. I'm pretty sure you'll be able to know the difference.
I WANT:
A few months ago when I was struggling with the results of my misuse of this blog (a.k.a. The Meltdown), the therapist I was talking with kept hammering this point that I need to start taking more than I give. Her opinion of me was that I tried too hard to make people around me happy with my actions even if it came at the expense of my own happiness. She posed a question to me that at the time I had no answer for, "What do you want?" It bothered me that I didn't have an answer at that moment, I mean shouldn't we all know what we want out of our lives? Well, apparently I don't. I am envious of those of you who had plans; for career, for life, for your futures. I am jealous that you knew what you wanted out of this adventure called life and took strides to get that what you wanted. Sure, the things we thought we wanted when we were 18 may not be what we want now, but that really isn't my point. Just the fact you wanted something gave you a purpose. Lacking this purpose is frustrating because I feel like nothing I do has any value. I honestly, thought the things that I wanted would just find me; that I would be inspired to be a whatever and I would give every ounce of my soul into being a great whatever, that I would just collide with this perfect girl to share my life with in some random non-specific way. But none of that has happened, maybe it is all just a fairy tale that I believed in. Since I never found that flame that caused me to become a whatever or never randomly stood next to her in line for the bathroom at some concert, I have just rolled along with life and just tried to have as much fun as I could along the way, but the whole time I was just along for the ride. This past week, I heard that question again verbatim, and said the same way with the same tone and meaning. It wasn't directed at me but because I have no answer, the question rings in my ears when i hear it. I decided tonight I was going to try to answer it and maybe something will standout and make a change....of course some of this will be comical, it wouldn't be me if it weren't. I'm pretty sure you'll be able to know the difference.
I WANT:
- people to stop telling me what I can't do. I think I already proved that I can do something pretty difficult when motivated. So stop doubting me and start challenging me.
- my age, my profession and where I live to stop being the first questions every girl I talk to asks.
- to be judged by my actions as a person not by my career.
- these F%#$^#$ headaches to stop!
- at least one moment when I look into a woman's eyes and know that she feels EXACTLY the same about me as I do about her.
- this world to be ruled by logic and not profit and power.
- karma to be real. Both for the good and the bad.
- Brett Favre to retire, FOREVER. This one is not a joke, I hate this guy!
- to continue on this path of healthier, more active living.
- to find someone to hangout with me on above mentioned path.
- just one chance to say "I'm sorry" to Julie face to face.
- to stop regretting all the mistakes and bad choices.
- our nation to stop being so wasteful.
- to learn kung fu. It would be interesting to see if you all think this one's a joke or not.
- to learn to play the guitar.
- to never act in anger again.
- to reach my 100 pound goal (which is on hold now due to PCS).
- something in my life that i cherish so much that I would kill to keep.
- childhood obesity to end. And to see the day that fast food restaurants and game console companies vanish.
- a female 5'8" brunette, athletic but not one that kicks my ass at everything, witty, intelligent, strong, independent, appreciative, adventurous,....
- parents to own up to their responsibility to raise their own kids and stop blaming; schools, tv, movies, the internet etc for their children's poor behaviors.
- to be better person everyday.
- these F@#$%@3 headaches to stop, yeah I know....
- that carbon fiber road bike I can't afford.
- to share a plane ride with Jessica Biehl so that I could convince her to "Drop that zero and get with the hero." Screw you Timberlake!
- to feel the way I felt on November 21st for the rest of my life.
- my friends, especially my closest friends, to find the happiness they all deserve.
- to thank all of you who did what you could to pull me out of my depression.
- respect.
- to be happy again without the fat and drunk part.
- Rob Schneider and David Spade to stop being allowed in movies just because they are friends with Sandler.
- that one great idea.
- to shut up cuz it's now 2 a.m.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Week 47?
It has been so long since I wrote that I had to actually count what week I'm in, lol. I know I had warned that I was going to cut back on writing but I did not intend on letting it go this long. However, life has gotten busier, prior to this week I had been piling up the overtime hours at work, not because I love making batteries but because fitness ain't cheap. Seriously, you would have thought that if I was saving $4 per pint not consumed that I would have gobs of money saved up by now. But oh contraire mon frere, everything I do that I call "fun" seems to cost more. Example, I have gotten so addicted to this biking thing I felt the need to go shopping for a road bike...low end good bike (something I won't be replacing already next summer) $1500. The entry level carbon fiber bike (so light and so fast), $3000. The government should be subsidizing my efforts, I swear ;P. Been pulling 50+hr work weeks for the past month now and it has made a shambles of my daily routine.
EXCUSES EXCUSES!
Since I last left you, I have gained some more weight and I am back over 250, 252 to be exact. Besides the extra overtime pinching in on my time, and causing me to use the vending machine at work more than I like, I will admit that I have gotten lazy this past month and I've also have had a few health issues pop up which are now cramping my workouts. Following the Tough Mudder, I needed a break so I gave myself a week off, I did light workouts at the gym but I strayed from the diet. Unfortunately, all the OT started the following week so I didn't get myself back on track with the diet right away. The OT made it impossible to get my 6 meals a day every 3-4 hours in and it in turn made me real hungry when I did get the opportunity to eat. Shortly after starting all the OT I started getting shooting pains in my forearm caused by some elbow tendinitis, so I had to shut down the whole lifting potion of my workout routine (I've only lifted once in the past three weeks). The elbow is kind of essential to just about every lifting movement so the only thing I could do was rest it and hope the inflammation subsided. But then last Tuesday the worst thing occurred, I slammed the back of my head into a metal crossbar at work. The force of the blow dropped me to my knees and I literally saw stars. Since then I've been to the ER twice for CT scans, been diagnose with a mild concussion and post-concussive syndrom. I have an brain MRI scheduled for tomorrow and I must see a neurologist after that. I am plagued by headaches, nausea and a weird feeling of not being able to focus on things. It is the strangest (and frustrating) feeling but things like adding a pile of two digit numbers can be difficult because I seem to forget the last number my brain totaled. So now find myself on light duty at work, bored out of my mind. With that I have been completely shut down from going to the gym. I have been there once since leaving for the beach over Memorial Day weekend and it is driving me insane not being allowed to do anything. What is worse is that I finally got to talk to the cute girl at the gym and now I'm unable to follow up with my incredible charm, and it may be a few weeks until I get back. I don't have any idea how long these symptoms will last but I've been told it isn't unusual for them to last a couple of months. THAT WOULD SUCK.
So for now everything is on hold, I doubt that I will be able to get to 220 by July 4th. Honestly, I just hope I can maintain my current weight until my head clears. I've said before that one of the biggest things I struggle with is boredom, when I am bored I tend to find restaurants and bad foods. These next couple weeks will be challenging to say the least.
This whole concussion thing has also made a mess of my plan to start training for my next great adventure. I got to watch my good pal Niki run a triathlon a couple of weeks back I so think that I can do a tri. My intention was to enter one in late August but now I can only wait and see how my brain heals. I won't bite off more than I can chew and I will settle for a "Sprint" tri as my first effort. The Sprint distances are like 750m swim, 20k bike ride, and a 5k run. The last two distances I am sure that I can do, it's the swimming that is the big unknown. I was super excited to start myself down this path and it has been frustrating, depressing, etc to sit idle for awhile.
Obviously, I am kind of bummed right now over my medical state. When things that you love are taken away from you, you really find out how much you miss them and how big a part of your life they have become. The challenge will be filling that hole in my day and the sense of daily accomplishment that completing a, ass kicking Spin class or a muscle depleting lifting routine brings. Hopefully, this all passes quickly...
EXCUSES EXCUSES!
Since I last left you, I have gained some more weight and I am back over 250, 252 to be exact. Besides the extra overtime pinching in on my time, and causing me to use the vending machine at work more than I like, I will admit that I have gotten lazy this past month and I've also have had a few health issues pop up which are now cramping my workouts. Following the Tough Mudder, I needed a break so I gave myself a week off, I did light workouts at the gym but I strayed from the diet. Unfortunately, all the OT started the following week so I didn't get myself back on track with the diet right away. The OT made it impossible to get my 6 meals a day every 3-4 hours in and it in turn made me real hungry when I did get the opportunity to eat. Shortly after starting all the OT I started getting shooting pains in my forearm caused by some elbow tendinitis, so I had to shut down the whole lifting potion of my workout routine (I've only lifted once in the past three weeks). The elbow is kind of essential to just about every lifting movement so the only thing I could do was rest it and hope the inflammation subsided. But then last Tuesday the worst thing occurred, I slammed the back of my head into a metal crossbar at work. The force of the blow dropped me to my knees and I literally saw stars. Since then I've been to the ER twice for CT scans, been diagnose with a mild concussion and post-concussive syndrom. I have an brain MRI scheduled for tomorrow and I must see a neurologist after that. I am plagued by headaches, nausea and a weird feeling of not being able to focus on things. It is the strangest (and frustrating) feeling but things like adding a pile of two digit numbers can be difficult because I seem to forget the last number my brain totaled. So now find myself on light duty at work, bored out of my mind. With that I have been completely shut down from going to the gym. I have been there once since leaving for the beach over Memorial Day weekend and it is driving me insane not being allowed to do anything. What is worse is that I finally got to talk to the cute girl at the gym and now I'm unable to follow up with my incredible charm, and it may be a few weeks until I get back. I don't have any idea how long these symptoms will last but I've been told it isn't unusual for them to last a couple of months. THAT WOULD SUCK.
So for now everything is on hold, I doubt that I will be able to get to 220 by July 4th. Honestly, I just hope I can maintain my current weight until my head clears. I've said before that one of the biggest things I struggle with is boredom, when I am bored I tend to find restaurants and bad foods. These next couple weeks will be challenging to say the least.
This whole concussion thing has also made a mess of my plan to start training for my next great adventure. I got to watch my good pal Niki run a triathlon a couple of weeks back I so think that I can do a tri. My intention was to enter one in late August but now I can only wait and see how my brain heals. I won't bite off more than I can chew and I will settle for a "Sprint" tri as my first effort. The Sprint distances are like 750m swim, 20k bike ride, and a 5k run. The last two distances I am sure that I can do, it's the swimming that is the big unknown. I was super excited to start myself down this path and it has been frustrating, depressing, etc to sit idle for awhile.
Obviously, I am kind of bummed right now over my medical state. When things that you love are taken away from you, you really find out how much you miss them and how big a part of your life they have become. The challenge will be filling that hole in my day and the sense of daily accomplishment that completing a, ass kicking Spin class or a muscle depleting lifting routine brings. Hopefully, this all passes quickly...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)