It is hard to believe that it has been nearly three months since my last posting. In all honesty, I really needed to step away from this blog until I was able to right my emotional state. I was in a very, very bad place since my dad's passing. It wasn't so much the grief of his death but the continual beating I have seemed to have been taking all year long had me worn out. I had finally given up on fighting back. My passion and drive for this goal was completely gone. For the past four or five months, I've been pretty much just going through the motions of life as I waited for the next shoe to drop. Thankfully, the past couple of months have gone without any negativity and with that I am ready to get re-focused on me.
Because I wanted to start writing again, I decided to re-read all of my blog entries in order to regain the spirit of why I was writing. Lots of emotion was stirred up over the past two or three hours as I smiled because my joys and accomplishments and bemoaned some of my bad behavior. Before setting out on re-reading my postings I was well aware that this week marked an ugly anniversary. One year ago this week I began this year that can only be described as 'calamitous' by regrettably posting an entry to this blog that was intentionally hurtful and ruined a friendship. Maybe the Karma gods punished me over this past year for that post, but that year is now officially over and it is time to once again pick myself up in Rocky-like fashion, all bloodied from this brutal year and start swinging again.
"The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place... and I don´t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently, if you let it. You, me or nobody, is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit... It's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward... how much you can take, and keep moving forward." from Rocky Balboa watch it here:
So with all that being said welcome back to my diet blog. The goals are still the same, 220 pounds and to run an Olympic triathlon. I have already signed up for Tough Mudder in April at Bear Creek, they've lengthened the course to 9+ miles and by all accounts their events are indeed tougher. The one in Jersey actually had an obstacle in which you had to run through a patch of LIVE WIRES dangling like jellyfish tentacles!!! I have re-upped my contract at Body Zone and have added the pool to my membership. Also got the number of a swim coach as I have never learned proper swimming form, so tri training can begin in earnest now!
My first weigh in of the new blog year is a positive one. Over the past two weeks I have managed to drop 7 pounds as I have finally gotten my self-discipline back and have managed to stick to the diet plan whole-heartedly. The weight as of this moment is 272, I will not lament the fact that this is 30 pounds heavier than I was at my best. In order to be successful I must allow myself to forgive and forget this past year. I have 50 pounds to lose regardless of what I weighed in May last year. That doesn't matter anymore, my battery is recharged (thanks Mary when you used 'recharge' in Spin I knew I was gonna steal the concept) and I'm back in the fight!!
My wounds will heal with time and prosperity. I will be successful, I promise you that. I will make 2011 a much better year.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Thursday, October 28, 2010
I'm Done Here
I am putting an end to blogging for awhile, probably a long while, as I decided that I am no longer gonna continue to spew the miserable accounts of my current mood/situation here or on facebook. It was never my intention to use this blog to bitch and moan about my life. This past year has been difficult to say the least and maybe it is fair to say that I am allowed to complain, but after events that occurred this week it is plain to me that nothing productive is coming from using my blog as a place to whine and that it has probably become tiresome for some of you to read. I am fully aware that some of you have had bigger struggles and that we ALL have our struggles that we deal with daily. I don't want to seem like I think that my problems are bigger than yours by transcribing them for you anymore. Furthermore, it was never my intention to inspire anyone with what I was doing and in a way I feel that I am letting you down as I have lost most of the fight that was within me when I started this all. I don't know how this blog morphed into more than a weekly diet journal and became something larger than anticipated. I wish I could turn the switch and be back to the happy, more driven Duff, but the wind has been taken out of those sails and every time I feel like I get it back something comes up that ruins it. I am trying to heed my own advice and break my goals down into smaller incremental tasks but I am struggling to go a week without cheating in some way or another and it has gotten incredibly frustrating to update you with failure.
I am going to continue to pursue that goal that I have set for myself, and it is still my intention to enter a triathlon next spring. However, for now, I have bigger fish to fry. I also don't expect to be spending much time on FB anymore either but you can still get in touch with me via FB since I still have it forwarding stuff to my regular email addy.
So for the last time, I weighed in at the doctor's office today at 267. Still short of the goal by 47, but a loss of 55 pounds since the start. I am proud of what I've been able to accomplish and it gives me the confidence that I can do what is necessary to reach my goal, but right now I have a bigger fight I need to focus on.
Thank you for caring enough to tag along throughout this journey. Best of wishes to you all.
Duff
I am going to continue to pursue that goal that I have set for myself, and it is still my intention to enter a triathlon next spring. However, for now, I have bigger fish to fry. I also don't expect to be spending much time on FB anymore either but you can still get in touch with me via FB since I still have it forwarding stuff to my regular email addy.
So for the last time, I weighed in at the doctor's office today at 267. Still short of the goal by 47, but a loss of 55 pounds since the start. I am proud of what I've been able to accomplish and it gives me the confidence that I can do what is necessary to reach my goal, but right now I have a bigger fight I need to focus on.
Thank you for caring enough to tag along throughout this journey. Best of wishes to you all.
Duff
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Melancholy
This has been the toughest blog entry that I have had to write. This is something like the 6th different attempt at writing this chapter of my life for you. I really don't know what to say anymore. So, I am going to do my best to put this one together just so I can hopefully move forward. What I can promise you is that there is nothing uplifting about this entry.
As many of you know my father died 4 weeks ago. Since then I haven't been right in any sense of the word. His death, while sudden, was something I was trying to prepare myself for because he was diagnosed with an advanced stage of throat cancer. While his oncologist was confident in his chances, I saw him as weak and frail, and I wasn't as confident. Fortunately, he didn't have to suffer through a long drawn out cancer treatment as he died from Sepsis following an unrelated surgery. As I sit here typing these words for you, it still seems a bit surreal that he is gone. It almost feels like he's just been gone on a long vacation and that he's expected back anytime. There is certainly an emptiness here in the house that is the constant reminder that he is gone.
I am not going to share my feelings or memories of my father for they are my own. Those of you have crossed paths with him know what he was like and I hope he was good to you.
I think, generally speaking, that I am emotionally fine with his passing now. The week or two following I was mostly angry, and I was quite concerned with my ability to control it. I nearly lost control of it on my way to the gym when a 5 mpg tank was riding my bumper in the passing lane when I was 4th in a line of cars passing in that lane. It took pretty much all of my inner strength to stop myself from slamming both feet on my brake pedal and bracing for impact. I was having a difficult time understanding why the surgery was necessary at this time. He was already weak from the cancer and his first chemo treatment. The surgery was to repair a spinal stroke which from the information I was given wasn't something that was life threatening. Why not wait until he had beaten the cancer and was strong enough to fight an infection if it occurred? I spent many quiet hours (I typically get real quiet when I am angered) those next weeks.
Probably the most difficult thing to deal with that has arisen from this god-awful experience is the loneliness I feel. All I could think about sitting in that cold hospital room was how I wish I had someone there to hold me together, someone to hold onto and assure me that it will be alright. Those of you who have significant others, I hope you realize how fortunate you are to have that in your lives and that you thank that person regularly. I have felt empty since that day and it seems like that feeling is growing. There is so much that could be said about how unhappy I have been. Even when I seem happy when I'm out and about with some of you, I'm not really there. Its been nearly a year that I have felt genuinely happy and that is far to long for anyone. Sadly, I had a dream this week where I felt that warmth of happiness, but when I woke it only furthered the misery as the content of that dream is something that will definitely never happen. I also found it extremely annoying to need a dream to feel happiness.
As a result, my diet has gone to hell. I am back over 270 and I am scared to even step on a scale at this point because I just don't need that negative moment to compound my problems. I am getting to the gym regularly and working out as hard as normal. I've manage to finally recover from the concussion and have gotten my fitness back. I am back to feeling strong in Spin class, but I have lost complete control of my eating. There is no real sensible explanation for it. I know how horrible the foods I am eating are for me, and I know I shouldn't be eating them. I'm not even sure that I am enjoying them because of the sense of guilt that comes with doing something which you know is so horribly bad for you. The fact that my dad died is not a viable excuse to behave this way.
Everywhere I turn it seems like something reminds me of my gloom. Stupid things like: traffic on my way to work has been rerouted due to construction and it brings me past my original home in Topton, seeing those stick figure families on back windows reminds me of this girl's FB page where she had her family on it and I often wonder what my stick guy would look like, music, etc.
So continues the worst year ever.
As many of you know my father died 4 weeks ago. Since then I haven't been right in any sense of the word. His death, while sudden, was something I was trying to prepare myself for because he was diagnosed with an advanced stage of throat cancer. While his oncologist was confident in his chances, I saw him as weak and frail, and I wasn't as confident. Fortunately, he didn't have to suffer through a long drawn out cancer treatment as he died from Sepsis following an unrelated surgery. As I sit here typing these words for you, it still seems a bit surreal that he is gone. It almost feels like he's just been gone on a long vacation and that he's expected back anytime. There is certainly an emptiness here in the house that is the constant reminder that he is gone.
I am not going to share my feelings or memories of my father for they are my own. Those of you have crossed paths with him know what he was like and I hope he was good to you.
I think, generally speaking, that I am emotionally fine with his passing now. The week or two following I was mostly angry, and I was quite concerned with my ability to control it. I nearly lost control of it on my way to the gym when a 5 mpg tank was riding my bumper in the passing lane when I was 4th in a line of cars passing in that lane. It took pretty much all of my inner strength to stop myself from slamming both feet on my brake pedal and bracing for impact. I was having a difficult time understanding why the surgery was necessary at this time. He was already weak from the cancer and his first chemo treatment. The surgery was to repair a spinal stroke which from the information I was given wasn't something that was life threatening. Why not wait until he had beaten the cancer and was strong enough to fight an infection if it occurred? I spent many quiet hours (I typically get real quiet when I am angered) those next weeks.
Probably the most difficult thing to deal with that has arisen from this god-awful experience is the loneliness I feel. All I could think about sitting in that cold hospital room was how I wish I had someone there to hold me together, someone to hold onto and assure me that it will be alright. Those of you who have significant others, I hope you realize how fortunate you are to have that in your lives and that you thank that person regularly. I have felt empty since that day and it seems like that feeling is growing. There is so much that could be said about how unhappy I have been. Even when I seem happy when I'm out and about with some of you, I'm not really there. Its been nearly a year that I have felt genuinely happy and that is far to long for anyone. Sadly, I had a dream this week where I felt that warmth of happiness, but when I woke it only furthered the misery as the content of that dream is something that will definitely never happen. I also found it extremely annoying to need a dream to feel happiness.
As a result, my diet has gone to hell. I am back over 270 and I am scared to even step on a scale at this point because I just don't need that negative moment to compound my problems. I am getting to the gym regularly and working out as hard as normal. I've manage to finally recover from the concussion and have gotten my fitness back. I am back to feeling strong in Spin class, but I have lost complete control of my eating. There is no real sensible explanation for it. I know how horrible the foods I am eating are for me, and I know I shouldn't be eating them. I'm not even sure that I am enjoying them because of the sense of guilt that comes with doing something which you know is so horribly bad for you. The fact that my dad died is not a viable excuse to behave this way.
Everywhere I turn it seems like something reminds me of my gloom. Stupid things like: traffic on my way to work has been rerouted due to construction and it brings me past my original home in Topton, seeing those stick figure families on back windows reminds me of this girl's FB page where she had her family on it and I often wonder what my stick guy would look like, music, etc.
So continues the worst year ever.
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