Weighed in 259. Yippee I broke the 260 barrier.
OK any of you who read this yesterday know what happened. I've taken down that blog post because after sleeping on it I realized that I was very wrong for doing what I did, especially in this arena. What I did yesterday is not the person I am and after having the night to calm down, I am sickened by my actions.
So...
Julie,
I am sorry for lashing out at you here on my blog. I was hurt and angry. Even though I can't take back what I said I can apologize for being an ass. We all do things occasionally because we don't stop to think but rather just react. Obviously I reacted badly and now I am sorry for it. Those things I said about you were spiteful and had no place in this public forum. There was nothing to be gained by saying them except some way of feeling less at fault for whatever happened. I know that we were never in a relationship but it did seem like we were on our way towards one. I guess I will never really understand where things went wrong, but I will grow from this horrible day and be just a little bit better of person tomorrow for it. I don't expect forgiveness for what I did, but I hope you do know that I am sorry.
Sincerely,
Jeff
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Week 27:
Now that's more like it!
Weigh in day today and it was a good one! 263 pounds is what the scale tells me I weighed today. Making for a big 7 pound loss this week and brings the total loss to 59 pounds. Hopefully, we can keep a good weight loss pace going now until my birthday. It looks highly unlikely that my lofty goal of 220 by 2/20 will be attainable but if I can manage a 4 pound per week pace I can get into the 230's or at least the 240's. Truthfully though, my sights are set on next week's weigh in because I've been stuck in these 260's for like two and a half months and I'm need to punch through to the 250's.
Now that my first week of life as a 2nd shifter is behind me I feel that I have found a pretty good daily routine that will hopefully keep me getting up early so I don't fall into that "sleeping in" trap that would be so easy to do as a 2nd shifter. I'm struggling getting the 6th meal into my schedule though right now, I may need to set the alarm earlier or something. 8am breakfast, 11am post workout shake, 215pm lunch, 6pm first break, 9pm second break. I hate to eat after work cuz it is so late and I try to eat lunch as late as I can because 1st break is 3 hrs into my workday. When I go longer than 3 hrs between meals I can really feel it so I try to eat lunch as late as I can.
Now as for my little issue from last week, well I haven't heard from her at all now in over a week. :( I've been listening to friends and most tell me that its more important to stay focused on me and whatever caused this "time out" will pass, hopefully. That is what I intend to do, even though it goes against what my heart is telling me. I can't explain how jumbled up I feel.
Weigh in day today and it was a good one! 263 pounds is what the scale tells me I weighed today. Making for a big 7 pound loss this week and brings the total loss to 59 pounds. Hopefully, we can keep a good weight loss pace going now until my birthday. It looks highly unlikely that my lofty goal of 220 by 2/20 will be attainable but if I can manage a 4 pound per week pace I can get into the 230's or at least the 240's. Truthfully though, my sights are set on next week's weigh in because I've been stuck in these 260's for like two and a half months and I'm need to punch through to the 250's.
Now that my first week of life as a 2nd shifter is behind me I feel that I have found a pretty good daily routine that will hopefully keep me getting up early so I don't fall into that "sleeping in" trap that would be so easy to do as a 2nd shifter. I'm struggling getting the 6th meal into my schedule though right now, I may need to set the alarm earlier or something. 8am breakfast, 11am post workout shake, 215pm lunch, 6pm first break, 9pm second break. I hate to eat after work cuz it is so late and I try to eat lunch as late as I can because 1st break is 3 hrs into my workday. When I go longer than 3 hrs between meals I can really feel it so I try to eat lunch as late as I can.
Now as for my little issue from last week, well I haven't heard from her at all now in over a week. :( I've been listening to friends and most tell me that its more important to stay focused on me and whatever caused this "time out" will pass, hopefully. That is what I intend to do, even though it goes against what my heart is telling me. I can't explain how jumbled up I feel.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Week 25/26:
Sorry I missed last week's blog. I was just short on time last week, I know that's a bad excuse. And sorry for the tardiness of this one...I started my 2nd shift job and I haven't gotten the time management thing down yet.
Damn the holidays:
I am sick and tired of the holidays! Long weekends and holiday meals are wrecking my pace!!! If you can't guess by those statements, I didn't have a very good weigh in this week. The stupid scale showed 270lbs, which is a FOUR pound gain from last report, EXPLICATIVE DELETED.... It's not rocket science to figure out why this has happened, with these long 3 or 4 day weekends I've had more free time thus more opportunities to cheat a little here and there. Boredom is one of my biggest enemies when it comes to dieting. If I'm sitting around on a Friday or Saturday night with nothing to do it is so easy for me to go out and grab a bite to eat for supper rather than stay home and eat a normal diet meal. I don't always eat things like cheesesteaks or pasta alfredo when I go out but it is usually a way bigger portion than I need. There is something about going out to eat that eases my boredom, its kind of odd since eating isn't exactly exciting. So with all these days off I will admit that I have cheated more these last few weeks than I have this entire Project. I also had a relapse with my fast food addiction. This is another thing I truly can't explain because I can make a WAY better burger than Ronald, Wendy or The King, and my fresh cut fries fried crispy with Old Bay are the shizznit, lol! So why is fast food such a hard addiction to kick? I think they add crack to the beef!
New Years Resolution:
So here is my one and only resolution for the new year, I will NOT eat fast food again until I am at my goal weight of 220 lbs!! I typically hate making resolutions because they typically turn out to be empty words said by people who think that they want to make some kind of change and believe that by uttering them right after the calendar turns that they are somehow going to magically come true. If you truly want to make a change, stop talking about it, get up off your ass and make it happen. I don't care if it is your job situation, weight, loneliness, whatever....hoping it will happen won't make it happen. There are tons of quotes that use hope and can be inspirational. I have found two that help me keep pushing. "Hope is not a dream but a way of making dreams become reality." What I take from this is that just believe that you can do whatever it is you are striving for and know that as long as you keep believing, you will find a way to get there. The second, “Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of man” Now this may seem like it is a little counter-productive to what I am saying but what I read from this quote is that if all you plan to do to make a change is hope that something will happen, then all you will do is hope and your condition will never change. So don't make resolutions MAKE CHANGES!
Dealing with insecurity:
With the crappy weigh in, I actually weigh more Saturday morning, and all my free time I had one terrible weekend. Woke up with a splitting headache Saturday, still sober on this 12 week promise NYE didn't foil that promise so it wasn't a hangover. Boredom set in and I tried to cure it by chatting with my female friend, who I went on that first date 8 years in the waiting I told you about. She didn't return my txt which is kinda unusual cuz even when she's grumpy she typically responds and she tells me she's grumpy and not in to talking. So because I'm tired, bored and feeling crappy my mind begins to wonder if I did something to piss her off. Here comes the ole insecurity nightmare...The last time we had talked up to then was the day before NYE, I had emailed her about something that she had said that confused me a bit so I asked for clarification. She responded and I detected no annoyance in the tone of the email. So the no reply to the txt really began to plague me throughout the weekend and I am almost certain it was all a creation of the insecurity issue I still fight. I got real mopey and depressed as the day progressed. I really do like this girl and hope something can come out of our friendship. We have had troubles getting together for a second date mainly because of bad timing and these damn holidays. I have mentioned to her that I'm trying to be patient about the whole no second date thing, probably a couple more times than I should have. But it's frustrating from my end to not be able to squeeze myself into her busy schedule. Then I wonder if she is really interested in pursuing anything with me since she's not going out of her way to somehow squeeze me in. Which I know is all crap, its just bad timing! All this kind of thinking made my day worse and worse. Anyways,there is nothing worse than needing assurance from people that everything is alright, especially girls that you are interested in. I know that it is not an attractive trait. I have learned that it isn't always about me, but could be something going on the other side of the relationship. But that hasn't stopped me from letting the problem get me down from time to time. It pains me to write all this out because I know she reads my blog and it sucks to have that exposed. But I promised when I started this blog that I was not gonna hold back for any reason. Bottom line having insecurity problems SUCKS! I really don't know how anyone can ever overcome them completely because I think it is something that becomes a part of you. You grow these problems through early life experience and unless your world does a complete 180 I don't think those experiences ever go away. I think I am getting better at managing my problem. I haven't sent the "did I do something wrong that you're not responding?" txt msg, even though I haven't talked to her in a bit. I still have a hard time keeping the thought of doing so out of my head.
On a much less depressing note, I went to my first Spin class today. It was awful, lol, awfully difficult. I am so sore right now, but it will be worth it once spring comes around and its time to get the mt bike out!
Damn the holidays:
I am sick and tired of the holidays! Long weekends and holiday meals are wrecking my pace!!! If you can't guess by those statements, I didn't have a very good weigh in this week. The stupid scale showed 270lbs, which is a FOUR pound gain from last report, EXPLICATIVE DELETED.... It's not rocket science to figure out why this has happened, with these long 3 or 4 day weekends I've had more free time thus more opportunities to cheat a little here and there. Boredom is one of my biggest enemies when it comes to dieting. If I'm sitting around on a Friday or Saturday night with nothing to do it is so easy for me to go out and grab a bite to eat for supper rather than stay home and eat a normal diet meal. I don't always eat things like cheesesteaks or pasta alfredo when I go out but it is usually a way bigger portion than I need. There is something about going out to eat that eases my boredom, its kind of odd since eating isn't exactly exciting. So with all these days off I will admit that I have cheated more these last few weeks than I have this entire Project. I also had a relapse with my fast food addiction. This is another thing I truly can't explain because I can make a WAY better burger than Ronald, Wendy or The King, and my fresh cut fries fried crispy with Old Bay are the shizznit, lol! So why is fast food such a hard addiction to kick? I think they add crack to the beef!
New Years Resolution:
So here is my one and only resolution for the new year, I will NOT eat fast food again until I am at my goal weight of 220 lbs!! I typically hate making resolutions because they typically turn out to be empty words said by people who think that they want to make some kind of change and believe that by uttering them right after the calendar turns that they are somehow going to magically come true. If you truly want to make a change, stop talking about it, get up off your ass and make it happen. I don't care if it is your job situation, weight, loneliness, whatever....hoping it will happen won't make it happen. There are tons of quotes that use hope and can be inspirational. I have found two that help me keep pushing. "Hope is not a dream but a way of making dreams become reality." What I take from this is that just believe that you can do whatever it is you are striving for and know that as long as you keep believing, you will find a way to get there. The second, “Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of man” Now this may seem like it is a little counter-productive to what I am saying but what I read from this quote is that if all you plan to do to make a change is hope that something will happen, then all you will do is hope and your condition will never change. So don't make resolutions MAKE CHANGES!
Dealing with insecurity:
With the crappy weigh in, I actually weigh more Saturday morning, and all my free time I had one terrible weekend. Woke up with a splitting headache Saturday, still sober on this 12 week promise NYE didn't foil that promise so it wasn't a hangover. Boredom set in and I tried to cure it by chatting with my female friend, who I went on that first date 8 years in the waiting I told you about. She didn't return my txt which is kinda unusual cuz even when she's grumpy she typically responds and she tells me she's grumpy and not in to talking. So because I'm tired, bored and feeling crappy my mind begins to wonder if I did something to piss her off. Here comes the ole insecurity nightmare...The last time we had talked up to then was the day before NYE, I had emailed her about something that she had said that confused me a bit so I asked for clarification. She responded and I detected no annoyance in the tone of the email. So the no reply to the txt really began to plague me throughout the weekend and I am almost certain it was all a creation of the insecurity issue I still fight. I got real mopey and depressed as the day progressed. I really do like this girl and hope something can come out of our friendship. We have had troubles getting together for a second date mainly because of bad timing and these damn holidays. I have mentioned to her that I'm trying to be patient about the whole no second date thing, probably a couple more times than I should have. But it's frustrating from my end to not be able to squeeze myself into her busy schedule. Then I wonder if she is really interested in pursuing anything with me since she's not going out of her way to somehow squeeze me in. Which I know is all crap, its just bad timing! All this kind of thinking made my day worse and worse. Anyways,there is nothing worse than needing assurance from people that everything is alright, especially girls that you are interested in. I know that it is not an attractive trait. I have learned that it isn't always about me, but could be something going on the other side of the relationship. But that hasn't stopped me from letting the problem get me down from time to time. It pains me to write all this out because I know she reads my blog and it sucks to have that exposed. But I promised when I started this blog that I was not gonna hold back for any reason. Bottom line having insecurity problems SUCKS! I really don't know how anyone can ever overcome them completely because I think it is something that becomes a part of you. You grow these problems through early life experience and unless your world does a complete 180 I don't think those experiences ever go away. I think I am getting better at managing my problem. I haven't sent the "did I do something wrong that you're not responding?" txt msg, even though I haven't talked to her in a bit. I still have a hard time keeping the thought of doing so out of my head.
On a much less depressing note, I went to my first Spin class today. It was awful, lol, awfully difficult. I am so sore right now, but it will be worth it once spring comes around and its time to get the mt bike out!
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