Yeah okay, so I was talking to this girl last week at the gym and I had something smack me in my face (and no it wasn't her right hand).....I've been a bit of a whiney whenker lately. I have been letting this concussion thing bring me down to the point where I'm reverting to old bad habits, not because I cannot control my eating habits but because I've been feeling sorry for myself. She is in my Spin class and is aware of why I haven't been seen in Spin for months now (I miss it so much). We've talked quite a few times these past several weeks when I actually get to go to the gym, and she always asks how my head is doing. We were talking about how I'm holding up and how the weight has been since I've been recovering. I didn't lie, I told her that after Tuesday's ride (ex bike) I got so dizzy that I almost passed out and that I've gained 10-15 pounds since this all started. Then she asked if I was still eating right, again I couldn't lie (this stupid blog has made me open up even to strangers) and said that my general mood has kept me down and I have had a real hard time committing to my diet while I'm laying in bed moping. Her response was pretty much on the lines of, 'seems kind of dumb to give up all the hard work of the past year just because you have to take it easy for a short while.' Now that is my interpretation of her actual words which were more like, 'you should really get back to eating healthy.' I don't know if she meant it as I interpreted it or not but I felt really lame after shelling out another excuse or two as to why I had let go of my control of my diet.
It was very weird, the feeling I had after our conversation that morning. On the ride home I couldn't help but feel like I had disappointed someone who cares about me (don't misread this statement, she is just a girl I know from the gym nothing more but the shame I had was like disappointing your grandfather or someone close). I couldn't shake this feeling and thought about some things for awhile and came to the conclusion that I was disappointment myself. I have been feeling sorry for myself for a long time now; the last several months have not played out the way I was expecting. I think because I had hit such a high point at the end of last year and had the feeling that everything was finally gonna go my way that when everything got flipped upside down I regressed back to the me that really didn't care to much about himself. Here's the thing, my life seems to have been dotted with all these moments that try to keep me from succeeding at whatever I am trying to do. I start to get healthy and a liver issue forces me to stop what I'm doing, I go back to school and my job market gets flooded with experienced job seekers because companies started trimming the fat and I'm told repeatedly that I need job experience, I go on another health mission and I melt down over a girl but this time I use the gym and my goals to fight back and just when the sun starts to shine again a big chunk of steel decides its going to win the battle with my skull and the thing that kept me fighting (the gym) is taken away. I could go on and on with examples but I already sound like I'm whining again. It just feels like everytime I try to better myself, something does it best to keep me down. I've been very aware of this since my concussion and I am sure it has influenced my mood quite a bit, and it has fueled my frustration over the lack of progress in my condition.
Well I'm gonna do my best to stop whining about the situation that I am in. And I am done seeking sympathy or someone to say it's okay to give up until this goes away. I'm pushing through this concussion whether it likes it or not so it might as well just give up. No more eating because I'm bored, no more fast food because I don't care right now, no more boozing it up because it's beach season....I'm going back to being focused like I was in November. The lame excuses are done with.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
THE END OF ONE CRAZY YEAR
Wow I'm just sitting here staring at a blank blog, thinking about everything that happened over the past year, the incredible highs and the lowest low, and I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed.....
One year ago this weekend was the last weekend of an old life that had me on the brink of all the bad diseases; heart, diabetes, etc and likely leading to a short exit from this life. THREE HUNDRED and TWENTY-TWO pounds is what I weighed, I wore size 50 pants, my bloodwork had me teetering on the edge of the "danger zone" for all those health factors, and I was, to say the least, apathetic about life. I had given up on finding those things many people have by this stage in their lives; the girl, the job, the family, the house. I spent my free time in bars and restaurants, mostly alone, filling up the empty time with things that numbed my soul. I don't know how my life had evolved to this point because its not who I ever intended on being.
Then a trip to the beach with a great girl and friend made me realize how pathetic and lazy I had become. Her energy, her drive and her determination to make herself better made me wonder why I couldn't change my path. So I went back to the gym for the first time in almost 8 years; the first thing I did was step on the scale and that is when I hit the "rock bottom" point that made me decide something finally had to change. I cannot even describe the punch in the gut feeling I had when the scale flashed back in it's red digital numbers "3 2 2." After stewing over this outrageous number, I made the decision to lose 100 pounds and Project Downsize Duff began in my mind. The idea to lose 100 pounds by my birthday and weigh 220 on 2/20 was a clever play on numbers and the fact that I was 33 weeks away from that birthday (3lbs per week =100). Where the idea came from to create this blog and let you all along for the ride, I really don't know. I had never written a blog before, hell I didn't even read blogs, but I am so glad I did. This blog, because it created an amazing amount of support and inspiration, carried me through some really difficult patches. My intentions were strictly selfish when I decided to write this blog, I wanted to make myself accountable for my goal. It's one thing to say you're gonna do something to yourself or family and friends, but put it out there for anyone to see and you add a little pressure to actually get it done. The unexpected result of inspiring some of you to start your own Project truly has been one of the more amazing by-product of all of this. I wish you all well and continued success!
Obviously, the entire year was not all filled with rainbows and cotton candy. The results I have had (current weight 254 - 68 pounds lost) have come from some seriously hard work both on the diet and fitness end. Sacrifices have been made to separate me from the former life that was pulling me down. There are friends that I don't get to see nearly as much as I use to because I've needed to lessen my exposure to the environments that nurtured my apathy. It is not to say I have enjoyed this aspect of "the new Duff" but I understand it, but I struggle with it more than you all know. I do not completely isolate myself from those places, I just visit them much less frequently. Improving yourself nutritionally and physically is simply a decision to change your lifestyle and sometimes it hurts to do it.
I've learned some valuable lessons along the way. The biggest of them all is that even though I opened myself up to you all and bared some feelings without care about how you thought of me; a blog is no place to take personal pot-shots at anyone for any reason. Boy, I had to learn this lesson the hardest way; I managed to completely destroy a friendship to an incredible girl whom I have (yes I said "have" not "had" and I mean it too) such incredible feelings for via my misuse of this blog and my inability to control some intense anger that when I thought about it, ad nauseum, I understood that I was angry at life and not her. Although I've never wanted nothing more than to pursue a relationship with her, but I would rather just be a friend to her than have been completely cut out of each other's lives. Even though I will regret that blog entry forever, I have learned from it, I have grown from it, and I will never make that same mistake again. I managed to come out of that entire mess with a different perspective on what I want.
Hopefully, this next year will be equally as crazy, I mean who likes boring? My number one goal is still to get to 220. Since I am currently in idle due to the concussion stuff that I'm still dealing with, I am not setting a time-frame, but 220 by 2/20 sure sounds good :)!!! Another goal I am setting is to run a full Olympic triathlon (1 mi swim, 24 mi bike, 6 mi run), but I'll start small and do a Sprint version first. First we need to regain our health, the post-concussion symptoms are still there. They come and go, I have a good couple of days followed by a bad day or two. Somehow I have to remain patient and let this all go away....somehow.
Thank you all for being on this ride together with me, its been fun, its been sad, its been crazy, but most of all its been helpful!
DUFF
One year ago this weekend was the last weekend of an old life that had me on the brink of all the bad diseases; heart, diabetes, etc and likely leading to a short exit from this life. THREE HUNDRED and TWENTY-TWO pounds is what I weighed, I wore size 50 pants, my bloodwork had me teetering on the edge of the "danger zone" for all those health factors, and I was, to say the least, apathetic about life. I had given up on finding those things many people have by this stage in their lives; the girl, the job, the family, the house. I spent my free time in bars and restaurants, mostly alone, filling up the empty time with things that numbed my soul. I don't know how my life had evolved to this point because its not who I ever intended on being.
Then a trip to the beach with a great girl and friend made me realize how pathetic and lazy I had become. Her energy, her drive and her determination to make herself better made me wonder why I couldn't change my path. So I went back to the gym for the first time in almost 8 years; the first thing I did was step on the scale and that is when I hit the "rock bottom" point that made me decide something finally had to change. I cannot even describe the punch in the gut feeling I had when the scale flashed back in it's red digital numbers "3 2 2." After stewing over this outrageous number, I made the decision to lose 100 pounds and Project Downsize Duff began in my mind. The idea to lose 100 pounds by my birthday and weigh 220 on 2/20 was a clever play on numbers and the fact that I was 33 weeks away from that birthday (3lbs per week =100). Where the idea came from to create this blog and let you all along for the ride, I really don't know. I had never written a blog before, hell I didn't even read blogs, but I am so glad I did. This blog, because it created an amazing amount of support and inspiration, carried me through some really difficult patches. My intentions were strictly selfish when I decided to write this blog, I wanted to make myself accountable for my goal. It's one thing to say you're gonna do something to yourself or family and friends, but put it out there for anyone to see and you add a little pressure to actually get it done. The unexpected result of inspiring some of you to start your own Project truly has been one of the more amazing by-product of all of this. I wish you all well and continued success!
Obviously, the entire year was not all filled with rainbows and cotton candy. The results I have had (current weight 254 - 68 pounds lost) have come from some seriously hard work both on the diet and fitness end. Sacrifices have been made to separate me from the former life that was pulling me down. There are friends that I don't get to see nearly as much as I use to because I've needed to lessen my exposure to the environments that nurtured my apathy. It is not to say I have enjoyed this aspect of "the new Duff" but I understand it, but I struggle with it more than you all know. I do not completely isolate myself from those places, I just visit them much less frequently. Improving yourself nutritionally and physically is simply a decision to change your lifestyle and sometimes it hurts to do it.
I've learned some valuable lessons along the way. The biggest of them all is that even though I opened myself up to you all and bared some feelings without care about how you thought of me; a blog is no place to take personal pot-shots at anyone for any reason. Boy, I had to learn this lesson the hardest way; I managed to completely destroy a friendship to an incredible girl whom I have (yes I said "have" not "had" and I mean it too) such incredible feelings for via my misuse of this blog and my inability to control some intense anger that when I thought about it, ad nauseum, I understood that I was angry at life and not her. Although I've never wanted nothing more than to pursue a relationship with her, but I would rather just be a friend to her than have been completely cut out of each other's lives. Even though I will regret that blog entry forever, I have learned from it, I have grown from it, and I will never make that same mistake again. I managed to come out of that entire mess with a different perspective on what I want.
Hopefully, this next year will be equally as crazy, I mean who likes boring? My number one goal is still to get to 220. Since I am currently in idle due to the concussion stuff that I'm still dealing with, I am not setting a time-frame, but 220 by 2/20 sure sounds good :)!!! Another goal I am setting is to run a full Olympic triathlon (1 mi swim, 24 mi bike, 6 mi run), but I'll start small and do a Sprint version first. First we need to regain our health, the post-concussion symptoms are still there. They come and go, I have a good couple of days followed by a bad day or two. Somehow I have to remain patient and let this all go away....somehow.
Thank you all for being on this ride together with me, its been fun, its been sad, its been crazy, but most of all its been helpful!
DUFF
Sunday, June 13, 2010
What I want
Since this head injury has me in the foulest of mood I felt like writing tonight. I had a few moments today that the PCS (post concussion Sh!t) really pissed me off. So I decided to isolate myself for the evening because I was just in no mood to deal with anyone. Hopefully the following is all coherent, I've caught myself babbling and repeating a lot lately lately. (Haha that was intentional) I will try to stay focused.
A few months ago when I was struggling with the results of my misuse of this blog (a.k.a. The Meltdown), the therapist I was talking with kept hammering this point that I need to start taking more than I give. Her opinion of me was that I tried too hard to make people around me happy with my actions even if it came at the expense of my own happiness. She posed a question to me that at the time I had no answer for, "What do you want?" It bothered me that I didn't have an answer at that moment, I mean shouldn't we all know what we want out of our lives? Well, apparently I don't. I am envious of those of you who had plans; for career, for life, for your futures. I am jealous that you knew what you wanted out of this adventure called life and took strides to get that what you wanted. Sure, the things we thought we wanted when we were 18 may not be what we want now, but that really isn't my point. Just the fact you wanted something gave you a purpose. Lacking this purpose is frustrating because I feel like nothing I do has any value. I honestly, thought the things that I wanted would just find me; that I would be inspired to be a whatever and I would give every ounce of my soul into being a great whatever, that I would just collide with this perfect girl to share my life with in some random non-specific way. But none of that has happened, maybe it is all just a fairy tale that I believed in. Since I never found that flame that caused me to become a whatever or never randomly stood next to her in line for the bathroom at some concert, I have just rolled along with life and just tried to have as much fun as I could along the way, but the whole time I was just along for the ride. This past week, I heard that question again verbatim, and said the same way with the same tone and meaning. It wasn't directed at me but because I have no answer, the question rings in my ears when i hear it. I decided tonight I was going to try to answer it and maybe something will standout and make a change....of course some of this will be comical, it wouldn't be me if it weren't. I'm pretty sure you'll be able to know the difference.
I WANT:
A few months ago when I was struggling with the results of my misuse of this blog (a.k.a. The Meltdown), the therapist I was talking with kept hammering this point that I need to start taking more than I give. Her opinion of me was that I tried too hard to make people around me happy with my actions even if it came at the expense of my own happiness. She posed a question to me that at the time I had no answer for, "What do you want?" It bothered me that I didn't have an answer at that moment, I mean shouldn't we all know what we want out of our lives? Well, apparently I don't. I am envious of those of you who had plans; for career, for life, for your futures. I am jealous that you knew what you wanted out of this adventure called life and took strides to get that what you wanted. Sure, the things we thought we wanted when we were 18 may not be what we want now, but that really isn't my point. Just the fact you wanted something gave you a purpose. Lacking this purpose is frustrating because I feel like nothing I do has any value. I honestly, thought the things that I wanted would just find me; that I would be inspired to be a whatever and I would give every ounce of my soul into being a great whatever, that I would just collide with this perfect girl to share my life with in some random non-specific way. But none of that has happened, maybe it is all just a fairy tale that I believed in. Since I never found that flame that caused me to become a whatever or never randomly stood next to her in line for the bathroom at some concert, I have just rolled along with life and just tried to have as much fun as I could along the way, but the whole time I was just along for the ride. This past week, I heard that question again verbatim, and said the same way with the same tone and meaning. It wasn't directed at me but because I have no answer, the question rings in my ears when i hear it. I decided tonight I was going to try to answer it and maybe something will standout and make a change....of course some of this will be comical, it wouldn't be me if it weren't. I'm pretty sure you'll be able to know the difference.
I WANT:
- people to stop telling me what I can't do. I think I already proved that I can do something pretty difficult when motivated. So stop doubting me and start challenging me.
- my age, my profession and where I live to stop being the first questions every girl I talk to asks.
- to be judged by my actions as a person not by my career.
- these F%#$^#$ headaches to stop!
- at least one moment when I look into a woman's eyes and know that she feels EXACTLY the same about me as I do about her.
- this world to be ruled by logic and not profit and power.
- karma to be real. Both for the good and the bad.
- Brett Favre to retire, FOREVER. This one is not a joke, I hate this guy!
- to continue on this path of healthier, more active living.
- to find someone to hangout with me on above mentioned path.
- just one chance to say "I'm sorry" to Julie face to face.
- to stop regretting all the mistakes and bad choices.
- our nation to stop being so wasteful.
- to learn kung fu. It would be interesting to see if you all think this one's a joke or not.
- to learn to play the guitar.
- to never act in anger again.
- to reach my 100 pound goal (which is on hold now due to PCS).
- something in my life that i cherish so much that I would kill to keep.
- childhood obesity to end. And to see the day that fast food restaurants and game console companies vanish.
- a female 5'8" brunette, athletic but not one that kicks my ass at everything, witty, intelligent, strong, independent, appreciative, adventurous,....
- parents to own up to their responsibility to raise their own kids and stop blaming; schools, tv, movies, the internet etc for their children's poor behaviors.
- to be better person everyday.
- these F@#$%@3 headaches to stop, yeah I know....
- that carbon fiber road bike I can't afford.
- to share a plane ride with Jessica Biehl so that I could convince her to "Drop that zero and get with the hero." Screw you Timberlake!
- to feel the way I felt on November 21st for the rest of my life.
- my friends, especially my closest friends, to find the happiness they all deserve.
- to thank all of you who did what you could to pull me out of my depression.
- respect.
- to be happy again without the fat and drunk part.
- Rob Schneider and David Spade to stop being allowed in movies just because they are friends with Sandler.
- that one great idea.
- to shut up cuz it's now 2 a.m.
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