Along with getting physically fit, this blog will also help to get me mentally fit. So from time to time I will vent emotion here, this is one of those times.
For those of you that do not know what I do for a living, I mow grass. All day everyday and with it comes lots and lots of time to let the mind think. Sounds alright, and for most days it is, but when a day starts bad it always seems to get worse because the mind continues down the bad path and I get deeper into darkness. Typically, its a day of self loathing for me. I start thinking about how in the hell I got to this point in my life. I'm single, fat, living at home, and driving a lawn tractor for a living. What the hell happened to me? There was a time when I was a pretty bright kid. I weighed 210, I was a good guy with virtually no vices, hell I didnt have my first drink until I was 19. Today was one of these bad days. The difference today was there was some extra crap added to my shit sandwich of a day.
My original motivation for starting this quest was a friend and a super great girl. Yeah I know what you're thinking, "he's doing all this for a girl?" Well not quite what you think. We have spent some time hanging out talking, including a long ride to OC, MD and we talked a lot about different stuff. Now I've had a mini crush on her for a long time but knew that I wasn't in her league, and this story, me crushing on anyone, has never ended well for me so I always kept it to myself. While chatting she revealed what she's looking for in a guy, I was not in that group of men to say the least. That is what got me thinking about me and where I'm at in life. It kinda pissed me off that I was getting lopped off of the "maybe" piles for girls based on my choice for making a living, and then getting lopped off because of appearance made it worse. I know I'm fat and have been that way for awhile, but I still see a good looking cat in the mirror. I thought a sense of humor and great personality are supposed to be the things that girls find most attractive....that's BULL! That only applies when they choose between the ones they find attractive. It's true for guys as well, we just dont lie about it. This being on the "no way" pile is truely the reason for my determination to change a lot about me. Of course I held out hope that maybe if I could make a few changes that I could climb onto her "maybe" pile someday.
Since I was having a crappy day I talked to her knowing that just talking with her makes me smile. Of course it works, she doesn't even say anything funny but I smile anyway and I start to feel better. We talk about her trip and things quickly turn back to crappy as she tells me that she met "her match" while hiking in Denali. Contiunes to tell me she is thinking about moving there, there being Alaska. So not only would it matter that I didnt get onto the maybe pile but now there would be a chance of a great friend and person in my life moving 10 billion miles away. So the day just got worse.
In the past I would let news like this crush me into a hole. Slip in a depressed state and amp the self loathing. It's not gonna happen this time! I went to the gym after our talk and Killed it because I was so pissed at myself. Pissed that I am even at this place right now. I am gonna use this to amp up the motivation to get this goal done. While I'm really bummed right now, I know I will change this feeling eventually. Hell she's not even the biggest squashed crush in my life. I am even more determined than ever to never miss an opportunity to be around a great girl like her because of my size EVER again!
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