I am putting an end to blogging for awhile, probably a long while, as I decided that I am no longer gonna continue to spew the miserable accounts of my current mood/situation here or on facebook. It was never my intention to use this blog to bitch and moan about my life. This past year has been difficult to say the least and maybe it is fair to say that I am allowed to complain, but after events that occurred this week it is plain to me that nothing productive is coming from using my blog as a place to whine and that it has probably become tiresome for some of you to read. I am fully aware that some of you have had bigger struggles and that we ALL have our struggles that we deal with daily. I don't want to seem like I think that my problems are bigger than yours by transcribing them for you anymore. Furthermore, it was never my intention to inspire anyone with what I was doing and in a way I feel that I am letting you down as I have lost most of the fight that was within me when I started this all. I don't know how this blog morphed into more than a weekly diet journal and became something larger than anticipated. I wish I could turn the switch and be back to the happy, more driven Duff, but the wind has been taken out of those sails and every time I feel like I get it back something comes up that ruins it. I am trying to heed my own advice and break my goals down into smaller incremental tasks but I am struggling to go a week without cheating in some way or another and it has gotten incredibly frustrating to update you with failure.
I am going to continue to pursue that goal that I have set for myself, and it is still my intention to enter a triathlon next spring. However, for now, I have bigger fish to fry. I also don't expect to be spending much time on FB anymore either but you can still get in touch with me via FB since I still have it forwarding stuff to my regular email addy.
So for the last time, I weighed in at the doctor's office today at 267. Still short of the goal by 47, but a loss of 55 pounds since the start. I am proud of what I've been able to accomplish and it gives me the confidence that I can do what is necessary to reach my goal, but right now I have a bigger fight I need to focus on.
Thank you for caring enough to tag along throughout this journey. Best of wishes to you all.
Duff
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Melancholy
This has been the toughest blog entry that I have had to write. This is something like the 6th different attempt at writing this chapter of my life for you. I really don't know what to say anymore. So, I am going to do my best to put this one together just so I can hopefully move forward. What I can promise you is that there is nothing uplifting about this entry.
As many of you know my father died 4 weeks ago. Since then I haven't been right in any sense of the word. His death, while sudden, was something I was trying to prepare myself for because he was diagnosed with an advanced stage of throat cancer. While his oncologist was confident in his chances, I saw him as weak and frail, and I wasn't as confident. Fortunately, he didn't have to suffer through a long drawn out cancer treatment as he died from Sepsis following an unrelated surgery. As I sit here typing these words for you, it still seems a bit surreal that he is gone. It almost feels like he's just been gone on a long vacation and that he's expected back anytime. There is certainly an emptiness here in the house that is the constant reminder that he is gone.
I am not going to share my feelings or memories of my father for they are my own. Those of you have crossed paths with him know what he was like and I hope he was good to you.
I think, generally speaking, that I am emotionally fine with his passing now. The week or two following I was mostly angry, and I was quite concerned with my ability to control it. I nearly lost control of it on my way to the gym when a 5 mpg tank was riding my bumper in the passing lane when I was 4th in a line of cars passing in that lane. It took pretty much all of my inner strength to stop myself from slamming both feet on my brake pedal and bracing for impact. I was having a difficult time understanding why the surgery was necessary at this time. He was already weak from the cancer and his first chemo treatment. The surgery was to repair a spinal stroke which from the information I was given wasn't something that was life threatening. Why not wait until he had beaten the cancer and was strong enough to fight an infection if it occurred? I spent many quiet hours (I typically get real quiet when I am angered) those next weeks.
Probably the most difficult thing to deal with that has arisen from this god-awful experience is the loneliness I feel. All I could think about sitting in that cold hospital room was how I wish I had someone there to hold me together, someone to hold onto and assure me that it will be alright. Those of you who have significant others, I hope you realize how fortunate you are to have that in your lives and that you thank that person regularly. I have felt empty since that day and it seems like that feeling is growing. There is so much that could be said about how unhappy I have been. Even when I seem happy when I'm out and about with some of you, I'm not really there. Its been nearly a year that I have felt genuinely happy and that is far to long for anyone. Sadly, I had a dream this week where I felt that warmth of happiness, but when I woke it only furthered the misery as the content of that dream is something that will definitely never happen. I also found it extremely annoying to need a dream to feel happiness.
As a result, my diet has gone to hell. I am back over 270 and I am scared to even step on a scale at this point because I just don't need that negative moment to compound my problems. I am getting to the gym regularly and working out as hard as normal. I've manage to finally recover from the concussion and have gotten my fitness back. I am back to feeling strong in Spin class, but I have lost complete control of my eating. There is no real sensible explanation for it. I know how horrible the foods I am eating are for me, and I know I shouldn't be eating them. I'm not even sure that I am enjoying them because of the sense of guilt that comes with doing something which you know is so horribly bad for you. The fact that my dad died is not a viable excuse to behave this way.
Everywhere I turn it seems like something reminds me of my gloom. Stupid things like: traffic on my way to work has been rerouted due to construction and it brings me past my original home in Topton, seeing those stick figure families on back windows reminds me of this girl's FB page where she had her family on it and I often wonder what my stick guy would look like, music, etc.
So continues the worst year ever.
As many of you know my father died 4 weeks ago. Since then I haven't been right in any sense of the word. His death, while sudden, was something I was trying to prepare myself for because he was diagnosed with an advanced stage of throat cancer. While his oncologist was confident in his chances, I saw him as weak and frail, and I wasn't as confident. Fortunately, he didn't have to suffer through a long drawn out cancer treatment as he died from Sepsis following an unrelated surgery. As I sit here typing these words for you, it still seems a bit surreal that he is gone. It almost feels like he's just been gone on a long vacation and that he's expected back anytime. There is certainly an emptiness here in the house that is the constant reminder that he is gone.
I am not going to share my feelings or memories of my father for they are my own. Those of you have crossed paths with him know what he was like and I hope he was good to you.
I think, generally speaking, that I am emotionally fine with his passing now. The week or two following I was mostly angry, and I was quite concerned with my ability to control it. I nearly lost control of it on my way to the gym when a 5 mpg tank was riding my bumper in the passing lane when I was 4th in a line of cars passing in that lane. It took pretty much all of my inner strength to stop myself from slamming both feet on my brake pedal and bracing for impact. I was having a difficult time understanding why the surgery was necessary at this time. He was already weak from the cancer and his first chemo treatment. The surgery was to repair a spinal stroke which from the information I was given wasn't something that was life threatening. Why not wait until he had beaten the cancer and was strong enough to fight an infection if it occurred? I spent many quiet hours (I typically get real quiet when I am angered) those next weeks.
Probably the most difficult thing to deal with that has arisen from this god-awful experience is the loneliness I feel. All I could think about sitting in that cold hospital room was how I wish I had someone there to hold me together, someone to hold onto and assure me that it will be alright. Those of you who have significant others, I hope you realize how fortunate you are to have that in your lives and that you thank that person regularly. I have felt empty since that day and it seems like that feeling is growing. There is so much that could be said about how unhappy I have been. Even when I seem happy when I'm out and about with some of you, I'm not really there. Its been nearly a year that I have felt genuinely happy and that is far to long for anyone. Sadly, I had a dream this week where I felt that warmth of happiness, but when I woke it only furthered the misery as the content of that dream is something that will definitely never happen. I also found it extremely annoying to need a dream to feel happiness.
As a result, my diet has gone to hell. I am back over 270 and I am scared to even step on a scale at this point because I just don't need that negative moment to compound my problems. I am getting to the gym regularly and working out as hard as normal. I've manage to finally recover from the concussion and have gotten my fitness back. I am back to feeling strong in Spin class, but I have lost complete control of my eating. There is no real sensible explanation for it. I know how horrible the foods I am eating are for me, and I know I shouldn't be eating them. I'm not even sure that I am enjoying them because of the sense of guilt that comes with doing something which you know is so horribly bad for you. The fact that my dad died is not a viable excuse to behave this way.
Everywhere I turn it seems like something reminds me of my gloom. Stupid things like: traffic on my way to work has been rerouted due to construction and it brings me past my original home in Topton, seeing those stick figure families on back windows reminds me of this girl's FB page where she had her family on it and I often wonder what my stick guy would look like, music, etc.
So continues the worst year ever.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Yeah I know its not Friday....
but I'm leaving for OCMD right after I gym it up tomorrow morning. I don't care what Earl's doing, I'm going! So I come to you a day early with the update because blogging while driving is illegal in 36 of the 52 states. (that is a joke, I cannot verify that statement)
Not much to report as I once again weighed in at 255. I am finally settling back into my routine and have been getting better at curbing most food urges. The only big news of the week is that I finally got back in Spin class, had to cheat a little but I got through it. When I get back from OCMD it will be time to really get after the whole weight loss thing. I picked up a vegetarian cookbook and the plan is to give a vegetarian diet a shot. Some of the reading that I have done lately has really tainted my view of the industrialized production of our meats and the health consequences of them. A vegetarian diet also offers a much lower fat diet which hopefully will help trim the last 30 or so pounds off. I'm still not sure how I am going to take to the veggie diet because I ain't gonna lie, I love beef....a thick cut New York Strip cooked to perfection over charcoal with the right blend of spices makes me start drooling at just the thought. So we shall see how it goes.
Now remember last week when I said about having a normal week? No injuries, etc? Weeeeelllll, apparently my desk which I am reporting to you from is not actually made of wood (reference to the Knock on Wood thing) because that night (Friday last week) I managed to squash a finger between two car batteries at work and BOY DID IT GET FAT AND PURPLE. It still hurts a bit but it fortunately was on that useless ring finger. Oh well, at least I almost went a week without an injury.
Not much to report as I once again weighed in at 255. I am finally settling back into my routine and have been getting better at curbing most food urges. The only big news of the week is that I finally got back in Spin class, had to cheat a little but I got through it. When I get back from OCMD it will be time to really get after the whole weight loss thing. I picked up a vegetarian cookbook and the plan is to give a vegetarian diet a shot. Some of the reading that I have done lately has really tainted my view of the industrialized production of our meats and the health consequences of them. A vegetarian diet also offers a much lower fat diet which hopefully will help trim the last 30 or so pounds off. I'm still not sure how I am going to take to the veggie diet because I ain't gonna lie, I love beef....a thick cut New York Strip cooked to perfection over charcoal with the right blend of spices makes me start drooling at just the thought. So we shall see how it goes.
Now remember last week when I said about having a normal week? No injuries, etc? Weeeeelllll, apparently my desk which I am reporting to you from is not actually made of wood (reference to the Knock on Wood thing) because that night (Friday last week) I managed to squash a finger between two car batteries at work and BOY DID IT GET FAT AND PURPLE. It still hurts a bit but it fortunately was on that useless ring finger. Oh well, at least I almost went a week without an injury.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Normalcy
KNOCK ON WOOD! I think I just had a pretty normal week. No dizziness, no rare or bizarre illnesses, no new injuries,....just: wake up, go to gym, other stuff, go to work, shower, sleep, repeat. WA-HOO!
In all seriousness it was nice to feel like things were normal. Weighed in today at 255, which is a standstill from last week's result. I am fine with holding steady as I get back into my routine. Hopefully, the toe soon stops hurting enough that I'm able to get back to running regularly. I'm going to give Spin a try on Monday and that will be a pretty go indicator as to how healthy my brain is feeling because it is the most challenging thing I do at the gym. Fingers are crossed for sure.
It was good fun to see some faces from the past at the 20th class reunion. It is very hard to believe that it has been twenty years, especially because I don't feel a day over 30, but sadly it is true that we are getting old. Although I must say, I was quite surprised at how great most looked. I thought we all could pass for earlier thirties easily!
In all seriousness it was nice to feel like things were normal. Weighed in today at 255, which is a standstill from last week's result. I am fine with holding steady as I get back into my routine. Hopefully, the toe soon stops hurting enough that I'm able to get back to running regularly. I'm going to give Spin a try on Monday and that will be a pretty go indicator as to how healthy my brain is feeling because it is the most challenging thing I do at the gym. Fingers are crossed for sure.
It was good fun to see some faces from the past at the 20th class reunion. It is very hard to believe that it has been twenty years, especially because I don't feel a day over 30, but sadly it is true that we are getting old. Although I must say, I was quite surprised at how great most looked. I thought we all could pass for earlier thirties easily!
Saturday, August 21, 2010
First week back
Beside the broken pinky toe, life almost seemed normal for once. Oh, and if you are wondering, I regularly destroy those toes so this is a normal pain I suffer with. Any who, while talking to one of my gym friends, I realized that it has been nearly 3 months that my world has been out of whack. June 1st was the concussion and things haven't been right since. That is a quarter of the year wasted (by that I mean being unable to progress with my goals). It has been very hard to deal with being forced to basically do nothing to say the least. But today the gym friend said something to me that gave me a glimmer of hope that life is returning to normal. She simply said, "You look so much better today." I think it was mostly a comment about my post-virus appearance because she also comment on how I have a much healthier color in my face and that even though I was back on Monday she could tell that I was still pretty worn down just by how I looked. I couldn't agree with her more, Monday and Tuesday were real struggles at work and at the gym. Even though I took it real easy at the gym both of those days, I felt really worn out and weak. That feeling carried on into work both evenings. However, as the week progress I definitely felt stronger and today was a real solid workout.
Following today's workout I weighed in and the scale showed 255. That is an 8 pound gain from last week's drained/dehydrated weigh in. I'm not upset at all with that result, mostly because I expected it to happen. My hope was to contain the amount gained as my body craved all those lost calories. To be very honest, I didn't eat very well most of the week. I've had some odd periods of feeling jittery and having shaky hands so I've add more sugar because it almost seems like a low blood suger thing and I'm wondering if it's a residual effect from the illness. I've never had this sort of problem and my blood sugar tests have come back just fine so I don't expect it to remain an issue as I get healthier. Hopefully, I can get my crap together and get the eating routine back on track next week. 255 is a good place to start from, I lost 9 pounds since the "Reloading" most of that due to the sickness, but I'll take the jump-start and role with it.
Following today's workout I weighed in and the scale showed 255. That is an 8 pound gain from last week's drained/dehydrated weigh in. I'm not upset at all with that result, mostly because I expected it to happen. My hope was to contain the amount gained as my body craved all those lost calories. To be very honest, I didn't eat very well most of the week. I've had some odd periods of feeling jittery and having shaky hands so I've add more sugar because it almost seems like a low blood suger thing and I'm wondering if it's a residual effect from the illness. I've never had this sort of problem and my blood sugar tests have come back just fine so I don't expect it to remain an issue as I get healthier. Hopefully, I can get my crap together and get the eating routine back on track next week. 255 is a good place to start from, I lost 9 pounds since the "Reloading" most of that due to the sickness, but I'll take the jump-start and role with it.
Friday, August 13, 2010
What a crap-tacular two weeks
There isn't a whole lot to report this week, yeah I know I said I was gonna report every week but I was way to sick to sit up long enough to post last week. If you have caught any of my posts on Facebook, then you know that I was sick, and I mean REAL sick. It all started when I got home from work Friday night two weeks ago; when I went to bed I was exhausted and not in a normal way. During the night I began to get what I describe as the chills, I was cold and shaking even though I felt feverish. This kept me awake most of the night and when I finally fell asleep it was lights out and I woke up late Saturday afternoon. When got up that next day, I was very wobbly and would get light-headed within minutes of standing up. So spent most of the day and the next couple of days laying in bed with fevers, clammy sweating spurts, headaches, etc.
Several doctor appointments, blood tests, one ER visit, and two weeks later I am starting to feel better. Unfortunately, there is no real lead as to who the culprit was that sent me through two weeks of hell. Blood tests and chest x-ray have removed Lyme Disease and Pneumonia as possibilities and the test on West Nile Virus is still pending. I am returning to the family doctor for a follow up, Monday, on the latest round of blood work, with the possibility of going to an infectious diseases specialist to follow.
The "tongue-in-cheek" good news is that I weighed in at 247 at my last doctor appointment. SO I have lost 15 pounds in two weeks and I'm only 5 pounds away from my previous low. I call it joking news because I know that it's a false loss. I was sick and not eating, I had no appetite and was probably a little dehydrated so that number will likely increase as I get better. I have already noticed that my appetite is returning slowly. With any luck I can keep it to a low 250 until I regain my strength and get back into the gym.
Being hurt or sick is really starting to wear me a little thin. I'm trying to stay positive and I keep telling myself that I'll get back to my routine soon, but it really feels like someone is standing over me and just clubbing me with a bat every time I try to get back up from each one of these ordeals. I don't know what's next, I've been emotionally crush, physically broken and now sick as hell there's not left to attack.
Several doctor appointments, blood tests, one ER visit, and two weeks later I am starting to feel better. Unfortunately, there is no real lead as to who the culprit was that sent me through two weeks of hell. Blood tests and chest x-ray have removed Lyme Disease and Pneumonia as possibilities and the test on West Nile Virus is still pending. I am returning to the family doctor for a follow up, Monday, on the latest round of blood work, with the possibility of going to an infectious diseases specialist to follow.
The "tongue-in-cheek" good news is that I weighed in at 247 at my last doctor appointment. SO I have lost 15 pounds in two weeks and I'm only 5 pounds away from my previous low. I call it joking news because I know that it's a false loss. I was sick and not eating, I had no appetite and was probably a little dehydrated so that number will likely increase as I get better. I have already noticed that my appetite is returning slowly. With any luck I can keep it to a low 250 until I regain my strength and get back into the gym.
Being hurt or sick is really starting to wear me a little thin. I'm trying to stay positive and I keep telling myself that I'll get back to my routine soon, but it really feels like someone is standing over me and just clubbing me with a bat every time I try to get back up from each one of these ordeals. I don't know what's next, I've been emotionally crush, physically broken and now sick as hell there's not left to attack.
Friday, July 30, 2010
The Project: RELOADED
After FINALLY getting medically cleared last Friday, and another trip to OCMD, it was time to get back on the horse that is Project Downsize Duff. Unfortunately, with that medical clearance came the inevitable return to work, BOOOO work. I've decided to rename the blog because it's how I see this new chapter of my journey (and it's a cheesy rip-off of the Matrix's second movie title). I have strayed from my path and need refocusing. More to the point, I am going to go back to writing every week so it is kind of like I am starting over, except I'm sixty pounds lighter this time. I do not know if it is mere coincidence or not but since I went to randomly reporting on my progress things have slowed and regressed. Yes, I have the concussion to thank for two months of inactivity, but that doesn't explain me filling the back seat with fast food bags over the past couple of months. Maybe this blog really was keeping on the straight and narrow by forcing me to account for my progress or lack of it every week. Without out this outlet, maybe I drove by a McD's and thought "Meh, who care's if I gain a pound or two this week I just won't write about it and they'll never know." Well, I have let myself go sideways for long enough so I've reloaded the project and plan to begin anew. The goals and promises are the same, I'm gonna lose 100 lbs and I'm gonna tell you all about it. Hopefully, it helps us all stay focused on our future.
So The Project: RELOADED got off to a slow start, I totally overslept Monday morning and missed Spin class, but never fear I did manage to get to the gym and do a little of what I do. I am still in caution mode at the gym. As per the advice of the neurologist I am avoiding heavy lifting, there is too much of an internal pressure build up when going heavy and the last time I tried to lift more than light weight I got really woozy (medical term :D) and spent that next day feeling bad. So no 1000 lb leg presses for a bit longer, instead I am trying to concentrate on light weights and controlled range of motion type stuff. Also as much as I can handle, I am trying to get back into my full cardio regiment which is mostly Spin-Run-Spin. I was so happy to get back into my cycling shoes and into class. It was great to see the familiar faces that I had missed over the last two months. Now I'm not gonna lie, I felt out of shape real quick, and needed to back off a lot more than I thought I would in order to get through the class. This should have been expected but it still did dent the ego. I believe that I had become one of the stronger riders in the classes I attend and it was hard to believe that on two months off took that much away. Maybe I'm being a little too hard on myself.
It was definitely a little more difficult getting back into my routine than I had thought. Between the continuous battery lifting at work and my trying to get back to normal gym levels, I managed to wear myself down pretty quick by mid-week. I assumed that I could get back into my routine quickly but I guess it's gonna take a little more patience than I had hoped. From a diet stand-point I did pretty well going back to my 6 meals a day eating routine. I had a couple small cheats but they were more because of the lack of energy I felt from maybe overdoing things.
As a result of this decent restart I managed to drop 2 pounds from Monday morning when I weighed in after Spin today. My current weight is 262, which makes for a total loss of 60 since the beginning. Yes, I have gained 20 pounds since the beginning of May, but we're not gonna look back and bemoan these past three months. Much of what happened was out of my control so we won't mention the gain anymore. I'm 42 pounds from the my goal, let's restart there!
So The Project: RELOADED got off to a slow start, I totally overslept Monday morning and missed Spin class, but never fear I did manage to get to the gym and do a little of what I do. I am still in caution mode at the gym. As per the advice of the neurologist I am avoiding heavy lifting, there is too much of an internal pressure build up when going heavy and the last time I tried to lift more than light weight I got really woozy (medical term :D) and spent that next day feeling bad. So no 1000 lb leg presses for a bit longer, instead I am trying to concentrate on light weights and controlled range of motion type stuff. Also as much as I can handle, I am trying to get back into my full cardio regiment which is mostly Spin-Run-Spin. I was so happy to get back into my cycling shoes and into class. It was great to see the familiar faces that I had missed over the last two months. Now I'm not gonna lie, I felt out of shape real quick, and needed to back off a lot more than I thought I would in order to get through the class. This should have been expected but it still did dent the ego. I believe that I had become one of the stronger riders in the classes I attend and it was hard to believe that on two months off took that much away. Maybe I'm being a little too hard on myself.
It was definitely a little more difficult getting back into my routine than I had thought. Between the continuous battery lifting at work and my trying to get back to normal gym levels, I managed to wear myself down pretty quick by mid-week. I assumed that I could get back into my routine quickly but I guess it's gonna take a little more patience than I had hoped. From a diet stand-point I did pretty well going back to my 6 meals a day eating routine. I had a couple small cheats but they were more because of the lack of energy I felt from maybe overdoing things.
As a result of this decent restart I managed to drop 2 pounds from Monday morning when I weighed in after Spin today. My current weight is 262, which makes for a total loss of 60 since the beginning. Yes, I have gained 20 pounds since the beginning of May, but we're not gonna look back and bemoan these past three months. Much of what happened was out of my control so we won't mention the gain anymore. I'm 42 pounds from the my goal, let's restart there!
Monday, July 12, 2010
No more excuses
Yeah okay, so I was talking to this girl last week at the gym and I had something smack me in my face (and no it wasn't her right hand).....I've been a bit of a whiney whenker lately. I have been letting this concussion thing bring me down to the point where I'm reverting to old bad habits, not because I cannot control my eating habits but because I've been feeling sorry for myself. She is in my Spin class and is aware of why I haven't been seen in Spin for months now (I miss it so much). We've talked quite a few times these past several weeks when I actually get to go to the gym, and she always asks how my head is doing. We were talking about how I'm holding up and how the weight has been since I've been recovering. I didn't lie, I told her that after Tuesday's ride (ex bike) I got so dizzy that I almost passed out and that I've gained 10-15 pounds since this all started. Then she asked if I was still eating right, again I couldn't lie (this stupid blog has made me open up even to strangers) and said that my general mood has kept me down and I have had a real hard time committing to my diet while I'm laying in bed moping. Her response was pretty much on the lines of, 'seems kind of dumb to give up all the hard work of the past year just because you have to take it easy for a short while.' Now that is my interpretation of her actual words which were more like, 'you should really get back to eating healthy.' I don't know if she meant it as I interpreted it or not but I felt really lame after shelling out another excuse or two as to why I had let go of my control of my diet.
It was very weird, the feeling I had after our conversation that morning. On the ride home I couldn't help but feel like I had disappointed someone who cares about me (don't misread this statement, she is just a girl I know from the gym nothing more but the shame I had was like disappointing your grandfather or someone close). I couldn't shake this feeling and thought about some things for awhile and came to the conclusion that I was disappointment myself. I have been feeling sorry for myself for a long time now; the last several months have not played out the way I was expecting. I think because I had hit such a high point at the end of last year and had the feeling that everything was finally gonna go my way that when everything got flipped upside down I regressed back to the me that really didn't care to much about himself. Here's the thing, my life seems to have been dotted with all these moments that try to keep me from succeeding at whatever I am trying to do. I start to get healthy and a liver issue forces me to stop what I'm doing, I go back to school and my job market gets flooded with experienced job seekers because companies started trimming the fat and I'm told repeatedly that I need job experience, I go on another health mission and I melt down over a girl but this time I use the gym and my goals to fight back and just when the sun starts to shine again a big chunk of steel decides its going to win the battle with my skull and the thing that kept me fighting (the gym) is taken away. I could go on and on with examples but I already sound like I'm whining again. It just feels like everytime I try to better myself, something does it best to keep me down. I've been very aware of this since my concussion and I am sure it has influenced my mood quite a bit, and it has fueled my frustration over the lack of progress in my condition.
Well I'm gonna do my best to stop whining about the situation that I am in. And I am done seeking sympathy or someone to say it's okay to give up until this goes away. I'm pushing through this concussion whether it likes it or not so it might as well just give up. No more eating because I'm bored, no more fast food because I don't care right now, no more boozing it up because it's beach season....I'm going back to being focused like I was in November. The lame excuses are done with.
It was very weird, the feeling I had after our conversation that morning. On the ride home I couldn't help but feel like I had disappointed someone who cares about me (don't misread this statement, she is just a girl I know from the gym nothing more but the shame I had was like disappointing your grandfather or someone close). I couldn't shake this feeling and thought about some things for awhile and came to the conclusion that I was disappointment myself. I have been feeling sorry for myself for a long time now; the last several months have not played out the way I was expecting. I think because I had hit such a high point at the end of last year and had the feeling that everything was finally gonna go my way that when everything got flipped upside down I regressed back to the me that really didn't care to much about himself. Here's the thing, my life seems to have been dotted with all these moments that try to keep me from succeeding at whatever I am trying to do. I start to get healthy and a liver issue forces me to stop what I'm doing, I go back to school and my job market gets flooded with experienced job seekers because companies started trimming the fat and I'm told repeatedly that I need job experience, I go on another health mission and I melt down over a girl but this time I use the gym and my goals to fight back and just when the sun starts to shine again a big chunk of steel decides its going to win the battle with my skull and the thing that kept me fighting (the gym) is taken away. I could go on and on with examples but I already sound like I'm whining again. It just feels like everytime I try to better myself, something does it best to keep me down. I've been very aware of this since my concussion and I am sure it has influenced my mood quite a bit, and it has fueled my frustration over the lack of progress in my condition.
Well I'm gonna do my best to stop whining about the situation that I am in. And I am done seeking sympathy or someone to say it's okay to give up until this goes away. I'm pushing through this concussion whether it likes it or not so it might as well just give up. No more eating because I'm bored, no more fast food because I don't care right now, no more boozing it up because it's beach season....I'm going back to being focused like I was in November. The lame excuses are done with.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
THE END OF ONE CRAZY YEAR
Wow I'm just sitting here staring at a blank blog, thinking about everything that happened over the past year, the incredible highs and the lowest low, and I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed.....
One year ago this weekend was the last weekend of an old life that had me on the brink of all the bad diseases; heart, diabetes, etc and likely leading to a short exit from this life. THREE HUNDRED and TWENTY-TWO pounds is what I weighed, I wore size 50 pants, my bloodwork had me teetering on the edge of the "danger zone" for all those health factors, and I was, to say the least, apathetic about life. I had given up on finding those things many people have by this stage in their lives; the girl, the job, the family, the house. I spent my free time in bars and restaurants, mostly alone, filling up the empty time with things that numbed my soul. I don't know how my life had evolved to this point because its not who I ever intended on being.
Then a trip to the beach with a great girl and friend made me realize how pathetic and lazy I had become. Her energy, her drive and her determination to make herself better made me wonder why I couldn't change my path. So I went back to the gym for the first time in almost 8 years; the first thing I did was step on the scale and that is when I hit the "rock bottom" point that made me decide something finally had to change. I cannot even describe the punch in the gut feeling I had when the scale flashed back in it's red digital numbers "3 2 2." After stewing over this outrageous number, I made the decision to lose 100 pounds and Project Downsize Duff began in my mind. The idea to lose 100 pounds by my birthday and weigh 220 on 2/20 was a clever play on numbers and the fact that I was 33 weeks away from that birthday (3lbs per week =100). Where the idea came from to create this blog and let you all along for the ride, I really don't know. I had never written a blog before, hell I didn't even read blogs, but I am so glad I did. This blog, because it created an amazing amount of support and inspiration, carried me through some really difficult patches. My intentions were strictly selfish when I decided to write this blog, I wanted to make myself accountable for my goal. It's one thing to say you're gonna do something to yourself or family and friends, but put it out there for anyone to see and you add a little pressure to actually get it done. The unexpected result of inspiring some of you to start your own Project truly has been one of the more amazing by-product of all of this. I wish you all well and continued success!
Obviously, the entire year was not all filled with rainbows and cotton candy. The results I have had (current weight 254 - 68 pounds lost) have come from some seriously hard work both on the diet and fitness end. Sacrifices have been made to separate me from the former life that was pulling me down. There are friends that I don't get to see nearly as much as I use to because I've needed to lessen my exposure to the environments that nurtured my apathy. It is not to say I have enjoyed this aspect of "the new Duff" but I understand it, but I struggle with it more than you all know. I do not completely isolate myself from those places, I just visit them much less frequently. Improving yourself nutritionally and physically is simply a decision to change your lifestyle and sometimes it hurts to do it.
I've learned some valuable lessons along the way. The biggest of them all is that even though I opened myself up to you all and bared some feelings without care about how you thought of me; a blog is no place to take personal pot-shots at anyone for any reason. Boy, I had to learn this lesson the hardest way; I managed to completely destroy a friendship to an incredible girl whom I have (yes I said "have" not "had" and I mean it too) such incredible feelings for via my misuse of this blog and my inability to control some intense anger that when I thought about it, ad nauseum, I understood that I was angry at life and not her. Although I've never wanted nothing more than to pursue a relationship with her, but I would rather just be a friend to her than have been completely cut out of each other's lives. Even though I will regret that blog entry forever, I have learned from it, I have grown from it, and I will never make that same mistake again. I managed to come out of that entire mess with a different perspective on what I want.
Hopefully, this next year will be equally as crazy, I mean who likes boring? My number one goal is still to get to 220. Since I am currently in idle due to the concussion stuff that I'm still dealing with, I am not setting a time-frame, but 220 by 2/20 sure sounds good :)!!! Another goal I am setting is to run a full Olympic triathlon (1 mi swim, 24 mi bike, 6 mi run), but I'll start small and do a Sprint version first. First we need to regain our health, the post-concussion symptoms are still there. They come and go, I have a good couple of days followed by a bad day or two. Somehow I have to remain patient and let this all go away....somehow.
Thank you all for being on this ride together with me, its been fun, its been sad, its been crazy, but most of all its been helpful!
DUFF
One year ago this weekend was the last weekend of an old life that had me on the brink of all the bad diseases; heart, diabetes, etc and likely leading to a short exit from this life. THREE HUNDRED and TWENTY-TWO pounds is what I weighed, I wore size 50 pants, my bloodwork had me teetering on the edge of the "danger zone" for all those health factors, and I was, to say the least, apathetic about life. I had given up on finding those things many people have by this stage in their lives; the girl, the job, the family, the house. I spent my free time in bars and restaurants, mostly alone, filling up the empty time with things that numbed my soul. I don't know how my life had evolved to this point because its not who I ever intended on being.
Then a trip to the beach with a great girl and friend made me realize how pathetic and lazy I had become. Her energy, her drive and her determination to make herself better made me wonder why I couldn't change my path. So I went back to the gym for the first time in almost 8 years; the first thing I did was step on the scale and that is when I hit the "rock bottom" point that made me decide something finally had to change. I cannot even describe the punch in the gut feeling I had when the scale flashed back in it's red digital numbers "3 2 2." After stewing over this outrageous number, I made the decision to lose 100 pounds and Project Downsize Duff began in my mind. The idea to lose 100 pounds by my birthday and weigh 220 on 2/20 was a clever play on numbers and the fact that I was 33 weeks away from that birthday (3lbs per week =100). Where the idea came from to create this blog and let you all along for the ride, I really don't know. I had never written a blog before, hell I didn't even read blogs, but I am so glad I did. This blog, because it created an amazing amount of support and inspiration, carried me through some really difficult patches. My intentions were strictly selfish when I decided to write this blog, I wanted to make myself accountable for my goal. It's one thing to say you're gonna do something to yourself or family and friends, but put it out there for anyone to see and you add a little pressure to actually get it done. The unexpected result of inspiring some of you to start your own Project truly has been one of the more amazing by-product of all of this. I wish you all well and continued success!
Obviously, the entire year was not all filled with rainbows and cotton candy. The results I have had (current weight 254 - 68 pounds lost) have come from some seriously hard work both on the diet and fitness end. Sacrifices have been made to separate me from the former life that was pulling me down. There are friends that I don't get to see nearly as much as I use to because I've needed to lessen my exposure to the environments that nurtured my apathy. It is not to say I have enjoyed this aspect of "the new Duff" but I understand it, but I struggle with it more than you all know. I do not completely isolate myself from those places, I just visit them much less frequently. Improving yourself nutritionally and physically is simply a decision to change your lifestyle and sometimes it hurts to do it.
I've learned some valuable lessons along the way. The biggest of them all is that even though I opened myself up to you all and bared some feelings without care about how you thought of me; a blog is no place to take personal pot-shots at anyone for any reason. Boy, I had to learn this lesson the hardest way; I managed to completely destroy a friendship to an incredible girl whom I have (yes I said "have" not "had" and I mean it too) such incredible feelings for via my misuse of this blog and my inability to control some intense anger that when I thought about it, ad nauseum, I understood that I was angry at life and not her. Although I've never wanted nothing more than to pursue a relationship with her, but I would rather just be a friend to her than have been completely cut out of each other's lives. Even though I will regret that blog entry forever, I have learned from it, I have grown from it, and I will never make that same mistake again. I managed to come out of that entire mess with a different perspective on what I want.
Hopefully, this next year will be equally as crazy, I mean who likes boring? My number one goal is still to get to 220. Since I am currently in idle due to the concussion stuff that I'm still dealing with, I am not setting a time-frame, but 220 by 2/20 sure sounds good :)!!! Another goal I am setting is to run a full Olympic triathlon (1 mi swim, 24 mi bike, 6 mi run), but I'll start small and do a Sprint version first. First we need to regain our health, the post-concussion symptoms are still there. They come and go, I have a good couple of days followed by a bad day or two. Somehow I have to remain patient and let this all go away....somehow.
Thank you all for being on this ride together with me, its been fun, its been sad, its been crazy, but most of all its been helpful!
DUFF
Sunday, June 13, 2010
What I want
Since this head injury has me in the foulest of mood I felt like writing tonight. I had a few moments today that the PCS (post concussion Sh!t) really pissed me off. So I decided to isolate myself for the evening because I was just in no mood to deal with anyone. Hopefully the following is all coherent, I've caught myself babbling and repeating a lot lately lately. (Haha that was intentional) I will try to stay focused.
A few months ago when I was struggling with the results of my misuse of this blog (a.k.a. The Meltdown), the therapist I was talking with kept hammering this point that I need to start taking more than I give. Her opinion of me was that I tried too hard to make people around me happy with my actions even if it came at the expense of my own happiness. She posed a question to me that at the time I had no answer for, "What do you want?" It bothered me that I didn't have an answer at that moment, I mean shouldn't we all know what we want out of our lives? Well, apparently I don't. I am envious of those of you who had plans; for career, for life, for your futures. I am jealous that you knew what you wanted out of this adventure called life and took strides to get that what you wanted. Sure, the things we thought we wanted when we were 18 may not be what we want now, but that really isn't my point. Just the fact you wanted something gave you a purpose. Lacking this purpose is frustrating because I feel like nothing I do has any value. I honestly, thought the things that I wanted would just find me; that I would be inspired to be a whatever and I would give every ounce of my soul into being a great whatever, that I would just collide with this perfect girl to share my life with in some random non-specific way. But none of that has happened, maybe it is all just a fairy tale that I believed in. Since I never found that flame that caused me to become a whatever or never randomly stood next to her in line for the bathroom at some concert, I have just rolled along with life and just tried to have as much fun as I could along the way, but the whole time I was just along for the ride. This past week, I heard that question again verbatim, and said the same way with the same tone and meaning. It wasn't directed at me but because I have no answer, the question rings in my ears when i hear it. I decided tonight I was going to try to answer it and maybe something will standout and make a change....of course some of this will be comical, it wouldn't be me if it weren't. I'm pretty sure you'll be able to know the difference.
I WANT:
A few months ago when I was struggling with the results of my misuse of this blog (a.k.a. The Meltdown), the therapist I was talking with kept hammering this point that I need to start taking more than I give. Her opinion of me was that I tried too hard to make people around me happy with my actions even if it came at the expense of my own happiness. She posed a question to me that at the time I had no answer for, "What do you want?" It bothered me that I didn't have an answer at that moment, I mean shouldn't we all know what we want out of our lives? Well, apparently I don't. I am envious of those of you who had plans; for career, for life, for your futures. I am jealous that you knew what you wanted out of this adventure called life and took strides to get that what you wanted. Sure, the things we thought we wanted when we were 18 may not be what we want now, but that really isn't my point. Just the fact you wanted something gave you a purpose. Lacking this purpose is frustrating because I feel like nothing I do has any value. I honestly, thought the things that I wanted would just find me; that I would be inspired to be a whatever and I would give every ounce of my soul into being a great whatever, that I would just collide with this perfect girl to share my life with in some random non-specific way. But none of that has happened, maybe it is all just a fairy tale that I believed in. Since I never found that flame that caused me to become a whatever or never randomly stood next to her in line for the bathroom at some concert, I have just rolled along with life and just tried to have as much fun as I could along the way, but the whole time I was just along for the ride. This past week, I heard that question again verbatim, and said the same way with the same tone and meaning. It wasn't directed at me but because I have no answer, the question rings in my ears when i hear it. I decided tonight I was going to try to answer it and maybe something will standout and make a change....of course some of this will be comical, it wouldn't be me if it weren't. I'm pretty sure you'll be able to know the difference.
I WANT:
- people to stop telling me what I can't do. I think I already proved that I can do something pretty difficult when motivated. So stop doubting me and start challenging me.
- my age, my profession and where I live to stop being the first questions every girl I talk to asks.
- to be judged by my actions as a person not by my career.
- these F%#$^#$ headaches to stop!
- at least one moment when I look into a woman's eyes and know that she feels EXACTLY the same about me as I do about her.
- this world to be ruled by logic and not profit and power.
- karma to be real. Both for the good and the bad.
- Brett Favre to retire, FOREVER. This one is not a joke, I hate this guy!
- to continue on this path of healthier, more active living.
- to find someone to hangout with me on above mentioned path.
- just one chance to say "I'm sorry" to Julie face to face.
- to stop regretting all the mistakes and bad choices.
- our nation to stop being so wasteful.
- to learn kung fu. It would be interesting to see if you all think this one's a joke or not.
- to learn to play the guitar.
- to never act in anger again.
- to reach my 100 pound goal (which is on hold now due to PCS).
- something in my life that i cherish so much that I would kill to keep.
- childhood obesity to end. And to see the day that fast food restaurants and game console companies vanish.
- a female 5'8" brunette, athletic but not one that kicks my ass at everything, witty, intelligent, strong, independent, appreciative, adventurous,....
- parents to own up to their responsibility to raise their own kids and stop blaming; schools, tv, movies, the internet etc for their children's poor behaviors.
- to be better person everyday.
- these F@#$%@3 headaches to stop, yeah I know....
- that carbon fiber road bike I can't afford.
- to share a plane ride with Jessica Biehl so that I could convince her to "Drop that zero and get with the hero." Screw you Timberlake!
- to feel the way I felt on November 21st for the rest of my life.
- my friends, especially my closest friends, to find the happiness they all deserve.
- to thank all of you who did what you could to pull me out of my depression.
- respect.
- to be happy again without the fat and drunk part.
- Rob Schneider and David Spade to stop being allowed in movies just because they are friends with Sandler.
- that one great idea.
- to shut up cuz it's now 2 a.m.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Week 47?
It has been so long since I wrote that I had to actually count what week I'm in, lol. I know I had warned that I was going to cut back on writing but I did not intend on letting it go this long. However, life has gotten busier, prior to this week I had been piling up the overtime hours at work, not because I love making batteries but because fitness ain't cheap. Seriously, you would have thought that if I was saving $4 per pint not consumed that I would have gobs of money saved up by now. But oh contraire mon frere, everything I do that I call "fun" seems to cost more. Example, I have gotten so addicted to this biking thing I felt the need to go shopping for a road bike...low end good bike (something I won't be replacing already next summer) $1500. The entry level carbon fiber bike (so light and so fast), $3000. The government should be subsidizing my efforts, I swear ;P. Been pulling 50+hr work weeks for the past month now and it has made a shambles of my daily routine.
EXCUSES EXCUSES!
Since I last left you, I have gained some more weight and I am back over 250, 252 to be exact. Besides the extra overtime pinching in on my time, and causing me to use the vending machine at work more than I like, I will admit that I have gotten lazy this past month and I've also have had a few health issues pop up which are now cramping my workouts. Following the Tough Mudder, I needed a break so I gave myself a week off, I did light workouts at the gym but I strayed from the diet. Unfortunately, all the OT started the following week so I didn't get myself back on track with the diet right away. The OT made it impossible to get my 6 meals a day every 3-4 hours in and it in turn made me real hungry when I did get the opportunity to eat. Shortly after starting all the OT I started getting shooting pains in my forearm caused by some elbow tendinitis, so I had to shut down the whole lifting potion of my workout routine (I've only lifted once in the past three weeks). The elbow is kind of essential to just about every lifting movement so the only thing I could do was rest it and hope the inflammation subsided. But then last Tuesday the worst thing occurred, I slammed the back of my head into a metal crossbar at work. The force of the blow dropped me to my knees and I literally saw stars. Since then I've been to the ER twice for CT scans, been diagnose with a mild concussion and post-concussive syndrom. I have an brain MRI scheduled for tomorrow and I must see a neurologist after that. I am plagued by headaches, nausea and a weird feeling of not being able to focus on things. It is the strangest (and frustrating) feeling but things like adding a pile of two digit numbers can be difficult because I seem to forget the last number my brain totaled. So now find myself on light duty at work, bored out of my mind. With that I have been completely shut down from going to the gym. I have been there once since leaving for the beach over Memorial Day weekend and it is driving me insane not being allowed to do anything. What is worse is that I finally got to talk to the cute girl at the gym and now I'm unable to follow up with my incredible charm, and it may be a few weeks until I get back. I don't have any idea how long these symptoms will last but I've been told it isn't unusual for them to last a couple of months. THAT WOULD SUCK.
So for now everything is on hold, I doubt that I will be able to get to 220 by July 4th. Honestly, I just hope I can maintain my current weight until my head clears. I've said before that one of the biggest things I struggle with is boredom, when I am bored I tend to find restaurants and bad foods. These next couple weeks will be challenging to say the least.
This whole concussion thing has also made a mess of my plan to start training for my next great adventure. I got to watch my good pal Niki run a triathlon a couple of weeks back I so think that I can do a tri. My intention was to enter one in late August but now I can only wait and see how my brain heals. I won't bite off more than I can chew and I will settle for a "Sprint" tri as my first effort. The Sprint distances are like 750m swim, 20k bike ride, and a 5k run. The last two distances I am sure that I can do, it's the swimming that is the big unknown. I was super excited to start myself down this path and it has been frustrating, depressing, etc to sit idle for awhile.
Obviously, I am kind of bummed right now over my medical state. When things that you love are taken away from you, you really find out how much you miss them and how big a part of your life they have become. The challenge will be filling that hole in my day and the sense of daily accomplishment that completing a, ass kicking Spin class or a muscle depleting lifting routine brings. Hopefully, this all passes quickly...
EXCUSES EXCUSES!
Since I last left you, I have gained some more weight and I am back over 250, 252 to be exact. Besides the extra overtime pinching in on my time, and causing me to use the vending machine at work more than I like, I will admit that I have gotten lazy this past month and I've also have had a few health issues pop up which are now cramping my workouts. Following the Tough Mudder, I needed a break so I gave myself a week off, I did light workouts at the gym but I strayed from the diet. Unfortunately, all the OT started the following week so I didn't get myself back on track with the diet right away. The OT made it impossible to get my 6 meals a day every 3-4 hours in and it in turn made me real hungry when I did get the opportunity to eat. Shortly after starting all the OT I started getting shooting pains in my forearm caused by some elbow tendinitis, so I had to shut down the whole lifting potion of my workout routine (I've only lifted once in the past three weeks). The elbow is kind of essential to just about every lifting movement so the only thing I could do was rest it and hope the inflammation subsided. But then last Tuesday the worst thing occurred, I slammed the back of my head into a metal crossbar at work. The force of the blow dropped me to my knees and I literally saw stars. Since then I've been to the ER twice for CT scans, been diagnose with a mild concussion and post-concussive syndrom. I have an brain MRI scheduled for tomorrow and I must see a neurologist after that. I am plagued by headaches, nausea and a weird feeling of not being able to focus on things. It is the strangest (and frustrating) feeling but things like adding a pile of two digit numbers can be difficult because I seem to forget the last number my brain totaled. So now find myself on light duty at work, bored out of my mind. With that I have been completely shut down from going to the gym. I have been there once since leaving for the beach over Memorial Day weekend and it is driving me insane not being allowed to do anything. What is worse is that I finally got to talk to the cute girl at the gym and now I'm unable to follow up with my incredible charm, and it may be a few weeks until I get back. I don't have any idea how long these symptoms will last but I've been told it isn't unusual for them to last a couple of months. THAT WOULD SUCK.
So for now everything is on hold, I doubt that I will be able to get to 220 by July 4th. Honestly, I just hope I can maintain my current weight until my head clears. I've said before that one of the biggest things I struggle with is boredom, when I am bored I tend to find restaurants and bad foods. These next couple weeks will be challenging to say the least.
This whole concussion thing has also made a mess of my plan to start training for my next great adventure. I got to watch my good pal Niki run a triathlon a couple of weeks back I so think that I can do a tri. My intention was to enter one in late August but now I can only wait and see how my brain heals. I won't bite off more than I can chew and I will settle for a "Sprint" tri as my first effort. The Sprint distances are like 750m swim, 20k bike ride, and a 5k run. The last two distances I am sure that I can do, it's the swimming that is the big unknown. I was super excited to start myself down this path and it has been frustrating, depressing, etc to sit idle for awhile.
Obviously, I am kind of bummed right now over my medical state. When things that you love are taken away from you, you really find out how much you miss them and how big a part of your life they have become. The challenge will be filling that hole in my day and the sense of daily accomplishment that completing a, ass kicking Spin class or a muscle depleting lifting routine brings. Hopefully, this all passes quickly...
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Week 42:
REPORTING FROM THE TOUGH MUDDER:
From a diet standpoint it wasn't a good week mostly because I took it real easy from Thursday on in order to not be sore or tired for The Mudder. With not going to the gym I got out of my healthy eating rhythm as well. No biggie as I needed a mini-break before this final two months of this crazy one year mission. So I weighed myself today expecting nothing and as anticipated I put on a couple pounds this week and came in at 245 which is a 3 pound gain. So now with two more months until July 4th, and the one year anniversary of the project, I have 25 pounds to lose in order to get to the 100 pound goal and weigh 220. It will certainly be difficult to pull this off as beach season is closing in (first trip to OC MD in less than two weeks) and the food at Kirby's Pub may be to difficult to pass on.
Obviously the diet isn't why I'm sharing today, this blog is really all about the Tough Mudder. I had a BLAST, well okay I wasn't having a blast while climbing up(yes I said UP) the ridiculously steep black diamond slope. I got through this 7+ mile, 17 obstacle event pretty successfully. Parts of it were major struggles and other parts I really surprised myself how well I did. Here's a little recap (haha little):
I wake up at six a.m. because, of course, I'm a bit excited. Go to Wal-Mart for some last second supplies and hit the diner for a light breakfast. Pick up my friend Niki at 9, she's mad cuz I'm there to early, lol, just teasing Niki, but I can't help it I'm excited and couldn't sit at the house anymore. We head out and get a call from team mate Brad that the lots are already full at Bear Creek so we have to run over to the Velodrome where the overflow parking was. Due to poor planning (using two or three buses to shuttle 3 or 4 thousand people isn't to bright) we waited close to 90 minutes to get on our bus. Niki was hard pressed to get registered and to the start area in time to be with her group, me I was fine we didn't start until 1230. Checked my bag and waited for my teammates who were a few bus loads behind me. In the meantime I was people watching, there were some pretty awesome costumes; guys dress up like the Na'vi from the movie Avatar, there was a five-some of dudes dress like masked wrestlers (big respect to them as they kept the masks on the whole time even though it was like 85deg out) and one dude who ran the whole thing with swimming pool inner-tube around his waste. My favorite team was The Outdoor Carpet Munchers, I think you can see one of them in my photo album. There team motto was "We lick the competition." Yes they were all lesbians and one of them uttered the quote of the event; after being taunted by some spectator saying something dumb like 'you aren't tough enough unless you do it this way' one of the lesbians turned around and said "I'm tough enough, I'm a dyke!" I nearly pissed myself laughing! The taunter's response was simply; "Touche."
Okay so teammates show up, register and we head up to the start area. The start area is a couple hundred yards up the slope, once I got there I kinda chuckled to myself because I thought about the fact that I probably would have been sucking wind and exhausted just after this uphill walk a year ago. We watched the group before us go off and got into place for our start. For the first time that day I actually questioned myself if I was really ready to do this and got a bad kind of nervous for a bit. But we recite the Tough Mudder pledge and KABOOOM!!! go some fireworks and we begin running downhill back toward the base area. Remember that this is a ski area not your backyard there are ruts and holes everywhere combine that with a mass of people it was a little difficult to do anything but watch where my feet we going. We get to the bottom and turn right back up hill making our way all the way to the top of the ski area. I ran for a bit but I wasn't about to blow myself out by running the whole thing uphill so I walked a good portion of it. Come around a corner and there is obstacle #3 The Sweaty Yeti (#1 was the start called the Braveheart Charge and #2 was the uphill run titled Death March). Somehow the folks at Bear Creek were able to make a big patch of snow for us to crawl through, don't know how it was still there since it was like 90 the day before but I drop to all fours and crawled 30 yards uphill through what was more like crushed ice, it kinda hurt. Finish the last of the accent and meet up with the team. Next obstacle called Devil's Beard was a big blue cargo net that you had work your way under. Fairly simple but my arm did get caught a couple of times until I figured that if I walked backward the net would just slide up my back making it all pretty easy. THEN I HAD TO PEE! Ran in the woods (extra obstacle for me) and found a big tree.
Got back on the course and followed the boys on a slight downhill run to our next challenge Hold Your Wood. Each team member had to grab a chunk of tree (it wasn't that big) and haul it about 100 yds uphill turn around and comeback down. One team of retards tried to team carry this massive log up, bad move boys cuz the hardest part of the event was coming. That was challenge #6 Cliff Hanger, after a short jog from the wood pile you slowly work your way back uphill until you come to the base of the steepest slope that Bear Creek has to offer, called Sasquatch(think it was called Moose Run in the Doe MT days) in the winter. It starts off at about a 30 degree pitch for the first couple hundred yards and then it jumps straight up. I don't know if I'm exaggerating but may be close to 60 degrees now. If you stand up straight gravity wants to pull you over backwards it's that steep. People were trying all sorts of ways to get up; on their hands and knees crawling, walking backwards, switchbacking across the slope (which I thought was stupid cuz it made you travel like twice as far). Me I just put my head down and just took it one step at a time trying to just keep moving. I stop once and stood up and nearly lost my balance and fell over backwards. Had that happened I would have looked like the giant boulder in the Indiana Jones movie crashing back down the slope taking out anyone that didn't move. That would have probably hurt a little. But I managed to stay attached to the earth and pressed on, I stopped again but this time I kept my weight forward. Eventually I made it to the top, exhausted, I wondered how those log carrying boys did on that part, hehe.... We gathered ourselves and walked downhill letting the heart-rate subside until we got to the next obstacle The Boa Constrictor. This was a 20 or 30 foot long tube that you simply had to crawl through. For me this was a little tougher than expected. I had to use all arms to pull me through as my legs refuse to help, they seemed to like the idea of laying flat after that uphill.
We hit the water station and pushed on, ran for a bit, and came to what I thought was one of the funner obstacles The Swamp Stomp. They dug a three foot deep trench and filled it with silty, muddy, FREAKING COLD, water that you just had to charge through. Everyone loves jumping puddles, right? Well this was the mother of all puddles! Soaked from the bellybutton down we came to a two mile trail run which was kind of treacherous as the trail was very rocky and muddy. So since a few thousand people had already run this part the rocks were also muddy and a little slick. At one downhill point, I had a little to much momentum building and I was certain that I was gonna crash or snap an ankle, but I made it through unscathed. This part was one of those moments that I really felt proud of myself because I was able to run pretty much this entire trail at what I guess was a decent pace after that ridiculous climb. Being able to bounce back from an intense cardio burn(like that climb) is a pretty good measure of your fitness and I felt great during this run. When I came out of the woods I was amazed at how good I felt. Gathered back up with Team Mumm-ra and headed downhill, all the "hard" stuff was over. It was a long downhill run and I took my time as I know that a 240 lb man still generates a ton of momentum when set in motion and I didn't want to get out of control. At the bottom of the descent was challenge #9 Kiss of Mud. Wires were stretched out across a muddy zig-zag and you had to crawl under them. They advertised barb wire, but seriously do you think they would be allowed to do that? lol Started another long run after that and came out of the woods next to Bear Creak's ponds and found challenge #10 The Ball Shrinker. This was two ropes stretched across the pond, one for the feet and one for the hands and you were to make it across kinda tight-rope style I guess. I just jumped in the pond knowing I would fall off anyway, and grabbed the bottom rope and pulled myself across that way. I didn't really think about why they called it the Ball Shrinker until I was in the 40 degree water. SHRINK? They disappeared! Immediately following this we hit Underwater Tunnels, back into the water to go under some floating barrels. Fairly easy but COLD! Do you know what happens to muscles that are scorching hot from activity and outside heat and then the get dipped in freaking cold water? CRAMPS! My legs were just turning into knots after this event and what made it worse was there was now a line for the next challenge Walk the Plank. Stood in line here for a good 20 minutes probably before I got my turn. I walked out on the plank and I did my water entry in style, Bellyflop style! There is video of it look on my fb page. Dan's entry into the water was the best, he was the first to go in our video.
After swimming to shore we headed to the Berlin Walls. This was one of the few real disappointing challenges in my humble opinion. For starters there were four of them but they were only 2 people wide so there were big lines at each wall. They were also only 10' tall at best. It would have been much cooler if they were made of logs or telephone poles and then made muddy and slippery so that they were a bit tougher to get over. Anyway, we clear them and proceed on to Killa Gorrila, a few times up and down the steep bank and then we came to Greased Lightning. This was a gigantic slip and slide back into the lake. It looked like a blast but all of the poly sheeting they used tore and they had to shut it down. :( So instead we run back down the hill, some chose to barrel roll (god bless 'em) down. Back into the lake one last time to cool off some more and then it was home stretch time. We could literally smell the finish line (cuz it was on fire). A 1/2 mile jog back toward base area and my legs were starting to shut down, cramps with every stride but there was no way I was stopping now. I turned my jog into more of a speed walk trying to avoid lifting my feet any higher than I had to. We came around the bend to our last real obstacle called Fire Walker. They made a path flanked on both sides by burning bales of hay. Now we were in no imminent danger of getting burned, but let me remind you that we just ran about 7 miles up and down a ski area. Running through an insanely hot, oxygen depleted home stretch was not ideal, in any way. I could barely keep my eyes open through the smoke and heat and breathing wasn't really much of an option either. This part really did suck and it felt like it lasted a lot longer than it probably did. But we came through it alive and we cruised to the finish line.
As we crossed the finish line we were given bananas, bagels, beer and a headband. I found that combo a little odd. Dogfishhead sponsored the event so I had me a 60 second IPA, one of my favoritest brews out there. It was good, it was REAL GOOD. It was so good that I had two more. The post race party was cool, kind of a blur though as the 3 IPAs hit me quick. Burnt Sienna (no Jeff anymore) played the party, people were mudsliding at the base area, prizes were awarded, it was all good fun. They raised over $200k for the Wounded Warrior project which is a really cool and worthwhile charity.
Like I said I had a blast, it wasn't nearly as hard as advertised. Don't get me wrong it was certainly challenging, but it could have been harder. I did have a little moment where I started to feel a bit emotional when I began to think about how much work it took to be able to even consider doing something like this. Big thanks to my teammates Brad, Dan, Justin, and Adam! Even bigger thanks to my friend Laura who threw the idea to enter this thing my way. It was perfect timing and just what i needed when I needed something else to focus on.
If you check my FB profile you can find some videos shot by Laura and Dan's girlfriend Qunin (thanks again girls for the photog work) also there are a few vids I found on YouTube including one that has us in it even though I have no idea who shot the vid. I also swiped the pics the girls took and added them to my Tough Mudder photo album. So check that stuff out!
From a diet standpoint it wasn't a good week mostly because I took it real easy from Thursday on in order to not be sore or tired for The Mudder. With not going to the gym I got out of my healthy eating rhythm as well. No biggie as I needed a mini-break before this final two months of this crazy one year mission. So I weighed myself today expecting nothing and as anticipated I put on a couple pounds this week and came in at 245 which is a 3 pound gain. So now with two more months until July 4th, and the one year anniversary of the project, I have 25 pounds to lose in order to get to the 100 pound goal and weigh 220. It will certainly be difficult to pull this off as beach season is closing in (first trip to OC MD in less than two weeks) and the food at Kirby's Pub may be to difficult to pass on.
Obviously the diet isn't why I'm sharing today, this blog is really all about the Tough Mudder. I had a BLAST, well okay I wasn't having a blast while climbing up(yes I said UP) the ridiculously steep black diamond slope. I got through this 7+ mile, 17 obstacle event pretty successfully. Parts of it were major struggles and other parts I really surprised myself how well I did. Here's a little recap (haha little):
I wake up at six a.m. because, of course, I'm a bit excited. Go to Wal-Mart for some last second supplies and hit the diner for a light breakfast. Pick up my friend Niki at 9, she's mad cuz I'm there to early, lol, just teasing Niki, but I can't help it I'm excited and couldn't sit at the house anymore. We head out and get a call from team mate Brad that the lots are already full at Bear Creek so we have to run over to the Velodrome where the overflow parking was. Due to poor planning (using two or three buses to shuttle 3 or 4 thousand people isn't to bright) we waited close to 90 minutes to get on our bus. Niki was hard pressed to get registered and to the start area in time to be with her group, me I was fine we didn't start until 1230. Checked my bag and waited for my teammates who were a few bus loads behind me. In the meantime I was people watching, there were some pretty awesome costumes; guys dress up like the Na'vi from the movie Avatar, there was a five-some of dudes dress like masked wrestlers (big respect to them as they kept the masks on the whole time even though it was like 85deg out) and one dude who ran the whole thing with swimming pool inner-tube around his waste. My favorite team was The Outdoor Carpet Munchers, I think you can see one of them in my photo album. There team motto was "We lick the competition." Yes they were all lesbians and one of them uttered the quote of the event; after being taunted by some spectator saying something dumb like 'you aren't tough enough unless you do it this way' one of the lesbians turned around and said "I'm tough enough, I'm a dyke!" I nearly pissed myself laughing! The taunter's response was simply; "Touche."
Okay so teammates show up, register and we head up to the start area. The start area is a couple hundred yards up the slope, once I got there I kinda chuckled to myself because I thought about the fact that I probably would have been sucking wind and exhausted just after this uphill walk a year ago. We watched the group before us go off and got into place for our start. For the first time that day I actually questioned myself if I was really ready to do this and got a bad kind of nervous for a bit. But we recite the Tough Mudder pledge and KABOOOM!!! go some fireworks and we begin running downhill back toward the base area. Remember that this is a ski area not your backyard there are ruts and holes everywhere combine that with a mass of people it was a little difficult to do anything but watch where my feet we going. We get to the bottom and turn right back up hill making our way all the way to the top of the ski area. I ran for a bit but I wasn't about to blow myself out by running the whole thing uphill so I walked a good portion of it. Come around a corner and there is obstacle #3 The Sweaty Yeti (#1 was the start called the Braveheart Charge and #2 was the uphill run titled Death March). Somehow the folks at Bear Creek were able to make a big patch of snow for us to crawl through, don't know how it was still there since it was like 90 the day before but I drop to all fours and crawled 30 yards uphill through what was more like crushed ice, it kinda hurt. Finish the last of the accent and meet up with the team. Next obstacle called Devil's Beard was a big blue cargo net that you had work your way under. Fairly simple but my arm did get caught a couple of times until I figured that if I walked backward the net would just slide up my back making it all pretty easy. THEN I HAD TO PEE! Ran in the woods (extra obstacle for me) and found a big tree.
Got back on the course and followed the boys on a slight downhill run to our next challenge Hold Your Wood. Each team member had to grab a chunk of tree (it wasn't that big) and haul it about 100 yds uphill turn around and comeback down. One team of retards tried to team carry this massive log up, bad move boys cuz the hardest part of the event was coming. That was challenge #6 Cliff Hanger, after a short jog from the wood pile you slowly work your way back uphill until you come to the base of the steepest slope that Bear Creek has to offer, called Sasquatch(think it was called Moose Run in the Doe MT days) in the winter. It starts off at about a 30 degree pitch for the first couple hundred yards and then it jumps straight up. I don't know if I'm exaggerating but may be close to 60 degrees now. If you stand up straight gravity wants to pull you over backwards it's that steep. People were trying all sorts of ways to get up; on their hands and knees crawling, walking backwards, switchbacking across the slope (which I thought was stupid cuz it made you travel like twice as far). Me I just put my head down and just took it one step at a time trying to just keep moving. I stop once and stood up and nearly lost my balance and fell over backwards. Had that happened I would have looked like the giant boulder in the Indiana Jones movie crashing back down the slope taking out anyone that didn't move. That would have probably hurt a little. But I managed to stay attached to the earth and pressed on, I stopped again but this time I kept my weight forward. Eventually I made it to the top, exhausted, I wondered how those log carrying boys did on that part, hehe.... We gathered ourselves and walked downhill letting the heart-rate subside until we got to the next obstacle The Boa Constrictor. This was a 20 or 30 foot long tube that you simply had to crawl through. For me this was a little tougher than expected. I had to use all arms to pull me through as my legs refuse to help, they seemed to like the idea of laying flat after that uphill.
We hit the water station and pushed on, ran for a bit, and came to what I thought was one of the funner obstacles The Swamp Stomp. They dug a three foot deep trench and filled it with silty, muddy, FREAKING COLD, water that you just had to charge through. Everyone loves jumping puddles, right? Well this was the mother of all puddles! Soaked from the bellybutton down we came to a two mile trail run which was kind of treacherous as the trail was very rocky and muddy. So since a few thousand people had already run this part the rocks were also muddy and a little slick. At one downhill point, I had a little to much momentum building and I was certain that I was gonna crash or snap an ankle, but I made it through unscathed. This part was one of those moments that I really felt proud of myself because I was able to run pretty much this entire trail at what I guess was a decent pace after that ridiculous climb. Being able to bounce back from an intense cardio burn(like that climb) is a pretty good measure of your fitness and I felt great during this run. When I came out of the woods I was amazed at how good I felt. Gathered back up with Team Mumm-ra and headed downhill, all the "hard" stuff was over. It was a long downhill run and I took my time as I know that a 240 lb man still generates a ton of momentum when set in motion and I didn't want to get out of control. At the bottom of the descent was challenge #9 Kiss of Mud. Wires were stretched out across a muddy zig-zag and you had to crawl under them. They advertised barb wire, but seriously do you think they would be allowed to do that? lol Started another long run after that and came out of the woods next to Bear Creak's ponds and found challenge #10 The Ball Shrinker. This was two ropes stretched across the pond, one for the feet and one for the hands and you were to make it across kinda tight-rope style I guess. I just jumped in the pond knowing I would fall off anyway, and grabbed the bottom rope and pulled myself across that way. I didn't really think about why they called it the Ball Shrinker until I was in the 40 degree water. SHRINK? They disappeared! Immediately following this we hit Underwater Tunnels, back into the water to go under some floating barrels. Fairly easy but COLD! Do you know what happens to muscles that are scorching hot from activity and outside heat and then the get dipped in freaking cold water? CRAMPS! My legs were just turning into knots after this event and what made it worse was there was now a line for the next challenge Walk the Plank. Stood in line here for a good 20 minutes probably before I got my turn. I walked out on the plank and I did my water entry in style, Bellyflop style! There is video of it look on my fb page. Dan's entry into the water was the best, he was the first to go in our video.
After swimming to shore we headed to the Berlin Walls. This was one of the few real disappointing challenges in my humble opinion. For starters there were four of them but they were only 2 people wide so there were big lines at each wall. They were also only 10' tall at best. It would have been much cooler if they were made of logs or telephone poles and then made muddy and slippery so that they were a bit tougher to get over. Anyway, we clear them and proceed on to Killa Gorrila, a few times up and down the steep bank and then we came to Greased Lightning. This was a gigantic slip and slide back into the lake. It looked like a blast but all of the poly sheeting they used tore and they had to shut it down. :( So instead we run back down the hill, some chose to barrel roll (god bless 'em) down. Back into the lake one last time to cool off some more and then it was home stretch time. We could literally smell the finish line (cuz it was on fire). A 1/2 mile jog back toward base area and my legs were starting to shut down, cramps with every stride but there was no way I was stopping now. I turned my jog into more of a speed walk trying to avoid lifting my feet any higher than I had to. We came around the bend to our last real obstacle called Fire Walker. They made a path flanked on both sides by burning bales of hay. Now we were in no imminent danger of getting burned, but let me remind you that we just ran about 7 miles up and down a ski area. Running through an insanely hot, oxygen depleted home stretch was not ideal, in any way. I could barely keep my eyes open through the smoke and heat and breathing wasn't really much of an option either. This part really did suck and it felt like it lasted a lot longer than it probably did. But we came through it alive and we cruised to the finish line.
As we crossed the finish line we were given bananas, bagels, beer and a headband. I found that combo a little odd. Dogfishhead sponsored the event so I had me a 60 second IPA, one of my favoritest brews out there. It was good, it was REAL GOOD. It was so good that I had two more. The post race party was cool, kind of a blur though as the 3 IPAs hit me quick. Burnt Sienna (no Jeff anymore) played the party, people were mudsliding at the base area, prizes were awarded, it was all good fun. They raised over $200k for the Wounded Warrior project which is a really cool and worthwhile charity.
Like I said I had a blast, it wasn't nearly as hard as advertised. Don't get me wrong it was certainly challenging, but it could have been harder. I did have a little moment where I started to feel a bit emotional when I began to think about how much work it took to be able to even consider doing something like this. Big thanks to my teammates Brad, Dan, Justin, and Adam! Even bigger thanks to my friend Laura who threw the idea to enter this thing my way. It was perfect timing and just what i needed when I needed something else to focus on.
If you check my FB profile you can find some videos shot by Laura and Dan's girlfriend Qunin (thanks again girls for the photog work) also there are a few vids I found on YouTube including one that has us in it even though I have no idea who shot the vid. I also swiped the pics the girls took and added them to my Tough Mudder photo album. So check that stuff out!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Week 39-41:
Ok so I weighed in Friday at 242, a 5 pound drop from last weigh in! That cracks the 80 lb lost mark and leaves me just 22 lbs away from 220! I am starting to get a little more excited now that the final goal is within site. The fire inside of me that was dimming over the past few months is starting to glow brighter again. After The Mudder I intend to really focus on the weight loss and really bear down on controlling the diet. Lately, I've been a little lackadaisical with what I've been eating. I broke my New Year's resolution to not eat fast food until I hit 220, but hey I went three months without any of that garbage so I'm sure I can abstain from it again. It sucks that sometimes our mood affects the way we eat, it is silly that we tie food to emotion. Food is fuel not happiness. It is obvious to me now, since I am more than 75% of the way to my goal, that this issue I have of using food to make me feel better will never be fully conquered. Being aware of it is probably the key to controlling it.
Oh yes, The Tough Mudder is this Sunday and I am getting more and more excited as we get closer. I have trained my big booty off in order to get my cardio endurance as high as I could in preparation. My last long distance run took me to 9 miles, this is longer than the distance of the race but it was all flat running so we'll see if the terrain crushes my optimism. They estimate the total time to complete the course is 2.5 hours so the obstacles will definitely give some moments of "rest" from the running. Hopefully, I can find a picture taking friend so I can share some pics of the event with you.
While talking with friends this week, I realized that I didn't do something I had intended on doing a month ago so I'll share it with you now. A month ago or so I had a doctor appointment (mostly about the depression stuff) and while there I got the results of some "after" blood work that further prove how much healthier I am now. The original numbers are from October of 2008.
Now in case your wondering about how I am doing with that other stuff, I am doing just fine! I think I am finally back to being me and have put my mess behind me now. Sure, I still have my little moments when I think about her and wish things would have worked out differently and wonder where things could be right now if it all went as planned, but they aren't affecting my daily life anymore. I definitely know that I feel better about how I am interacting with people again and I'm smiling a little more these days.
Oh yes, The Tough Mudder is this Sunday and I am getting more and more excited as we get closer. I have trained my big booty off in order to get my cardio endurance as high as I could in preparation. My last long distance run took me to 9 miles, this is longer than the distance of the race but it was all flat running so we'll see if the terrain crushes my optimism. They estimate the total time to complete the course is 2.5 hours so the obstacles will definitely give some moments of "rest" from the running. Hopefully, I can find a picture taking friend so I can share some pics of the event with you.
While talking with friends this week, I realized that I didn't do something I had intended on doing a month ago so I'll share it with you now. A month ago or so I had a doctor appointment (mostly about the depression stuff) and while there I got the results of some "after" blood work that further prove how much healthier I am now. The original numbers are from October of 2008.
- Triglycerides 183 dropped to 80 (less than 150 is norm)
- Total Cholesterol 214 dropped to 171 (less than 200 is norm)
- HDL (good) 33 rose to 44 (40-50 is norm)
- LDL (bad) 144 dropped to 111 (100-129 near optimal, less than 100 is optimal)
- Glucose 108 dropped to 99 (less than 100 is norm)
Now in case your wondering about how I am doing with that other stuff, I am doing just fine! I think I am finally back to being me and have put my mess behind me now. Sure, I still have my little moments when I think about her and wish things would have worked out differently and wonder where things could be right now if it all went as planned, but they aren't affecting my daily life anymore. I definitely know that I feel better about how I am interacting with people again and I'm smiling a little more these days.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Slamming the book shut
This isn't gonna be your normal "how's the diet going" blog entry. I need to let go of some piled up emotion that will likely tear me to pieces and ruin the personal change progress if I don't because right now I am failing to see the point of all this hard work and depriving myself of all the goodies that life has to offer.
As many of you, my faithful fans :), know a few months ago I ripped into a female acquaintance here on my blog. We had gone on a date and had been chatting for awhile. Because I had "that feeling" about her for quite a long time prior to this date I lost control of my emotions when she emailed me that she didn't want to continue dating me. The unexpected change of heart, my strong feelings for her and other lifetime disappointments ignited an anger within me that I had never experienced before. I regrettably was writing my blog when I received that email and instead of walking away from my computer I unleashed that anger through my words on this blog. I cannot begin to describe how horrible I have felt since that day because I can't find a way to forgive myself. I have taken advice of friends and sought counseling and I'm also taking an anti-depressant to help balance me out. Part of what was suggested was that I write her a letter to explain why things happened and how incredibly sorry I was. It's purpose was to give me a sense of closure and a feeling that, even if she didn't respond, I had tried all that I could to atone for my mistake. Since the letter has been sent I have been improving, and I felt I was okay to put this horrible mess behind me. I still hadn't forgiven myself for my actions but I was accepting that there was nothing else to do.
Then this morning I went upstairs to make my daily bowl of Cheerios and there sitting on the counter was my letter. My heart sank as I picked it up and saw the word "REFUSED" written across it. I honestly felt like throwing up looking at the letter. An anxiety attack followed, I felt like I couldn't breathe and emotionally I felt like crying and like putting my fist through a wall at the same time. I texted a few friends for help, but decided to go do what I do best and that was go to the gym. Before I got the car started I had replies, I began to tear up while replying as it all started to overwhelm me. I have never done anything to hurt someone intentionally. And the realization of the amount of hurt I must have caused in order to make a former friend refuse receipt of a letter is just to much for me to bear. I know she didn't want to hear from me again, and it was my intention to respect her wish, but the advice I got was to send it. I prepared myself for an unpleasant response even though I didn't expect any response at all. I had hoped that she would understand what had caused my ugly outburst and maybe begin to forgive me. Most of all what I expected was that she would just chuck it in the trash, and that would have been fine as it was hers to do with what she wanted at that point. What I did not anticipate was that she would go out her way to refuse it and shove my emotions back in my face. I guess it is her way of saying "FUCK YOU" and slamming the door completely shut on this chapter of my life. Sadly, I don't blame her. I just wish she could know how incredibly sorry I am for what I did, she didn't deserve what I did to her at all. She treated me way better than any other girl I had feelings for and I treated her worse than anyone I ever have. Her hate for me doesn't even come close to how much I hate myself.
I really feel lost right now as I don't know what to do. What I know must be done is that I must turn the page and start writing a new chapter, but you'll have to forgive me if I just stare blankly at this page for awhile. I am sure that I will never be able to forgive myself for happened, and I don't think I should, even though that is contrary to advice of so many friends. What I did was inexcusable, so what if I was temporarily insane. Forgiveness could only have been achieved through her and I will never get that now, that is obvious. Hopefully, the scar that this leaves will always remind to be better than I was that day.
As many of you, my faithful fans :), know a few months ago I ripped into a female acquaintance here on my blog. We had gone on a date and had been chatting for awhile. Because I had "that feeling" about her for quite a long time prior to this date I lost control of my emotions when she emailed me that she didn't want to continue dating me. The unexpected change of heart, my strong feelings for her and other lifetime disappointments ignited an anger within me that I had never experienced before. I regrettably was writing my blog when I received that email and instead of walking away from my computer I unleashed that anger through my words on this blog. I cannot begin to describe how horrible I have felt since that day because I can't find a way to forgive myself. I have taken advice of friends and sought counseling and I'm also taking an anti-depressant to help balance me out. Part of what was suggested was that I write her a letter to explain why things happened and how incredibly sorry I was. It's purpose was to give me a sense of closure and a feeling that, even if she didn't respond, I had tried all that I could to atone for my mistake. Since the letter has been sent I have been improving, and I felt I was okay to put this horrible mess behind me. I still hadn't forgiven myself for my actions but I was accepting that there was nothing else to do.
Then this morning I went upstairs to make my daily bowl of Cheerios and there sitting on the counter was my letter. My heart sank as I picked it up and saw the word "REFUSED" written across it. I honestly felt like throwing up looking at the letter. An anxiety attack followed, I felt like I couldn't breathe and emotionally I felt like crying and like putting my fist through a wall at the same time. I texted a few friends for help, but decided to go do what I do best and that was go to the gym. Before I got the car started I had replies, I began to tear up while replying as it all started to overwhelm me. I have never done anything to hurt someone intentionally. And the realization of the amount of hurt I must have caused in order to make a former friend refuse receipt of a letter is just to much for me to bear. I know she didn't want to hear from me again, and it was my intention to respect her wish, but the advice I got was to send it. I prepared myself for an unpleasant response even though I didn't expect any response at all. I had hoped that she would understand what had caused my ugly outburst and maybe begin to forgive me. Most of all what I expected was that she would just chuck it in the trash, and that would have been fine as it was hers to do with what she wanted at that point. What I did not anticipate was that she would go out her way to refuse it and shove my emotions back in my face. I guess it is her way of saying "FUCK YOU" and slamming the door completely shut on this chapter of my life. Sadly, I don't blame her. I just wish she could know how incredibly sorry I am for what I did, she didn't deserve what I did to her at all. She treated me way better than any other girl I had feelings for and I treated her worse than anyone I ever have. Her hate for me doesn't even come close to how much I hate myself.
I really feel lost right now as I don't know what to do. What I know must be done is that I must turn the page and start writing a new chapter, but you'll have to forgive me if I just stare blankly at this page for awhile. I am sure that I will never be able to forgive myself for happened, and I don't think I should, even though that is contrary to advice of so many friends. What I did was inexcusable, so what if I was temporarily insane. Forgiveness could only have been achieved through her and I will never get that now, that is obvious. Hopefully, the scar that this leaves will always remind to be better than I was that day.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Weeks 37 & 38:
Not a lot to say about the diet, I gained a pound over this last three day - holiday weekend. I'm still plagued by the old habit of when I'm bored I go out and when I go out alone, I go out to eat and don't eat well. So as of the weigh in this week we're at 247, 27 pounds away from the goal.
Training for the Tough Mudder is right on track, the last long run I had was a 6.5 miles. So that puts me a 1/2 mile short of the distance that the Mudder is to be covering. Oh yeah did I tell you, because of a bunch retarded hardcore runner types they have decided to make the course more difficult. Seriously, if you wanna kill yourself go train for a triathlon, dorks! I'm trying to get outside more to run so that terrain becomes a factor, but the scenery at the gym is much nicer than the cookie cutter homes and pot holed roads of Fleetwood ;). I have run 2.5 miles outside and I felt just fine after. Did a little mt biking Friday (or Saturday I can't remember which) at Blue Marsh. Rode from the Day Use area to Church Road and back which is about 15 miles round trip. Not to bad for the first time out. It is one of my bigger goals to get the whole 30 mile loop done by the end of the summer, but we'll build up to it each time out. A little bit of bad news I think I broke a toe or two at work last night, they are both an ugly purple color and a bit swollen. But I ran 3 miles today mostly pain free, luckily they are those useless toes that I seem to break at least once a year.
How am I doing otherwise? Up until this past weekend, I was feeling much better. Maybe it is the meds, maybe its that time healed my wound, maybe its the letter I wrote to let out all my feelings and apologies, maybe it is Spring who knows but I really felt good. I was hardly thinking about my thing at all by Thursday of last week. But then Friday came, I went mtb alone, went out to eat alone,....I guess its safe to say I felt kind of alone and I started to think about those things that have been bothering me. Of course that all carries over for most of the weekend and I hardly got any sleep. That has been the worst part of this all is that I don't sleep well, and when I do it is typically because Mr. TylenolPM is helping.
One last cool thing, in case you missed my FB post. Monday of last week I was talking to my Spin instructor and she commented on how trim I was starting to look. Part of it probably was the Large shirt I was wearing rather than my normal XL workout shirts. It really is amazing the effect good fitting clothes have on your appearance. Anyway she asks me what I've been doing , yada yada yada then asks me if I'd be interested in sharing my story with everyone for the next edition of the Body Zone newsletter. Of course my answer was yes as you all know how I have taken to this change and to trying to help others with any advice I can. Unfortunately, the person writing the story had found someone for this next issue but she already told me she plans for me to be in the next issue. It was a very cool moment to say the least!
Training for the Tough Mudder is right on track, the last long run I had was a 6.5 miles. So that puts me a 1/2 mile short of the distance that the Mudder is to be covering. Oh yeah did I tell you, because of a bunch retarded hardcore runner types they have decided to make the course more difficult. Seriously, if you wanna kill yourself go train for a triathlon, dorks! I'm trying to get outside more to run so that terrain becomes a factor, but the scenery at the gym is much nicer than the cookie cutter homes and pot holed roads of Fleetwood ;). I have run 2.5 miles outside and I felt just fine after. Did a little mt biking Friday (or Saturday I can't remember which) at Blue Marsh. Rode from the Day Use area to Church Road and back which is about 15 miles round trip. Not to bad for the first time out. It is one of my bigger goals to get the whole 30 mile loop done by the end of the summer, but we'll build up to it each time out. A little bit of bad news I think I broke a toe or two at work last night, they are both an ugly purple color and a bit swollen. But I ran 3 miles today mostly pain free, luckily they are those useless toes that I seem to break at least once a year.
How am I doing otherwise? Up until this past weekend, I was feeling much better. Maybe it is the meds, maybe its that time healed my wound, maybe its the letter I wrote to let out all my feelings and apologies, maybe it is Spring who knows but I really felt good. I was hardly thinking about my thing at all by Thursday of last week. But then Friday came, I went mtb alone, went out to eat alone,....I guess its safe to say I felt kind of alone and I started to think about those things that have been bothering me. Of course that all carries over for most of the weekend and I hardly got any sleep. That has been the worst part of this all is that I don't sleep well, and when I do it is typically because Mr. TylenolPM is helping.
One last cool thing, in case you missed my FB post. Monday of last week I was talking to my Spin instructor and she commented on how trim I was starting to look. Part of it probably was the Large shirt I was wearing rather than my normal XL workout shirts. It really is amazing the effect good fitting clothes have on your appearance. Anyway she asks me what I've been doing , yada yada yada then asks me if I'd be interested in sharing my story with everyone for the next edition of the Body Zone newsletter. Of course my answer was yes as you all know how I have taken to this change and to trying to help others with any advice I can. Unfortunately, the person writing the story had found someone for this next issue but she already told me she plans for me to be in the next issue. It was a very cool moment to say the least!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
week 35/36:
Wow, it really seems like a long time between posts since I've decided to do this every two weeks. I actually almost forgot about doing it this week. Anyways....weighed in on Saturday after my 6 mile run, lol I know, 6 miles who would have ever thought I'd say that, and the scaled showed 246 this time. 3 more pounds gone and lost forever! That brings the total to 76 friggin' pounds! I'm only 26 pounds away from that goal of 220, I still struggle to wrap my head around the magnitude of the whole thing.
Lately I have not been very UNappreciative of the congratulations and well wishes that have been passed onto me. I'm sorry to any of you that felt slighted for giving me praises and did not receive the appropriate thanks. Part of it for me, I guess, is that I know that I'm not at my goal yet, and it feels a bit premature to celebrate my accomplishment. Having once gone through a big weight loss stretch before, I know that there is plenty of potential for failure even at this point. While I don't think I can be derailed this time, especially if I'm still losing weight in my current mood, I do understand your sentiment and intentions, but there is that piece of me that wants to say "hold your applause until the end." The other reason would be my mood/mental state. Yes I'm still struggling to put that awful day behind me. I'm doing everything I can to get by it all, including some things I never thought I would do. I can't explain why I'm letting this linger; I just know I hurt because of my actions and I just can't seem to forgive myself for them. Maybe its because I never have done anything like that before. I have always buried my feelings and swallowed my pains in order to avoid hurting someone's feelings. I just need a way to move on. Thanks to all of my really special friends who have tried so hard to pull me out of my mood. Even if it may not seem it, I do listen to everything you have to say and I want you to know I'm trying. Believe me when I say I do appreciate the support even if I seem ungrateful right now and that goes for everyone.
I did go out to do some shopping a couple of weeks ago, and for the first time since probably high school I actually bought clothes from one of those "trendy" mall stores. I don't know if you've ever noticed but places like the Gap and American Eagle don't exactly cater to the big folks. Bought a few pretty cool LARGE t-shirts, yeah thats right not XL but L. Also needed some shorts because I have none the even come close to fitting any more. I was super stoked when I grabbed a pair of size 40 cargo shorts and they were WAY to loose, hahaha! So I can cross off another of my bigger goals from the list and that goal was to wear pants/shorts smaller than size 40. The shorts I bought are a size 38!!! Very cool, indeed. I've tried to jog my brain but all the alcohol between high school and now have fuzzied my memory; I have no idea when I last wore pants this small. Anyone wanna bet I can get to a 34??
Now that spring has sprung you all have no excuse but to get your buts out there and do something to improve your health. Take the kids on a bike ride, go for a walk with your girl/guy, just go do something!
Here is something that has been bouncing around in my mind but I don't really know how to pursue it. I would love some advice from anyone who may have an idea. Once I have completely gotten myself out of the "obese" category, which they say I still am even though I can run six miles in under an hour (grumble...stupid body mass index what do you know), I would like a way to get actively involved with breaking the obesity cycle that is destroying so many lives. I know that I am a fat kid because my parents fed me bad foods and never really got any kind of healthy living education. I became aware of this one day when my niece came over after school. There were donuts on the counter in the kitchen and when she saw them she said "I so deserve this donut." I thought 'wow really? Who deserves a donut?' and proceeded to discuss with her why she thought she deserved a donut. That kind of mentality she displayed only leads to weight issues. I never really thought about how poorly we use food until that moment. I have also seen it when my mother is babysitting the grandkids, the typical meal involves some combo of the following: french fries, hot dogs, ring bologna, Doritos, and pizza. I have always teased my mom that it is her fault that I was fat, but I was always referring to how good her cooking is, not the nutritional quality or lack there of. There is a cycle that needs to be broken in order to save kids from the fate that I have suffer through. Part of it is getting parents to understand what they are doing to their kids by letting McD's become there favorite food group and the other part is motivating kids to learn about nutrition and get them exercising. Sorry I started getting preachy again, but anyone of you have asked for my help know that I can get rather passionate about this weight loss thing and helping those that want it. This is something I really think I could become heavily involved with if I can find a way. If you have any thoughts as to how to get myself into this please let me know.
Lately I have not been very UNappreciative of the congratulations and well wishes that have been passed onto me. I'm sorry to any of you that felt slighted for giving me praises and did not receive the appropriate thanks. Part of it for me, I guess, is that I know that I'm not at my goal yet, and it feels a bit premature to celebrate my accomplishment. Having once gone through a big weight loss stretch before, I know that there is plenty of potential for failure even at this point. While I don't think I can be derailed this time, especially if I'm still losing weight in my current mood, I do understand your sentiment and intentions, but there is that piece of me that wants to say "hold your applause until the end." The other reason would be my mood/mental state. Yes I'm still struggling to put that awful day behind me. I'm doing everything I can to get by it all, including some things I never thought I would do. I can't explain why I'm letting this linger; I just know I hurt because of my actions and I just can't seem to forgive myself for them. Maybe its because I never have done anything like that before. I have always buried my feelings and swallowed my pains in order to avoid hurting someone's feelings. I just need a way to move on. Thanks to all of my really special friends who have tried so hard to pull me out of my mood. Even if it may not seem it, I do listen to everything you have to say and I want you to know I'm trying. Believe me when I say I do appreciate the support even if I seem ungrateful right now and that goes for everyone.
I did go out to do some shopping a couple of weeks ago, and for the first time since probably high school I actually bought clothes from one of those "trendy" mall stores. I don't know if you've ever noticed but places like the Gap and American Eagle don't exactly cater to the big folks. Bought a few pretty cool LARGE t-shirts, yeah thats right not XL but L. Also needed some shorts because I have none the even come close to fitting any more. I was super stoked when I grabbed a pair of size 40 cargo shorts and they were WAY to loose, hahaha! So I can cross off another of my bigger goals from the list and that goal was to wear pants/shorts smaller than size 40. The shorts I bought are a size 38!!! Very cool, indeed. I've tried to jog my brain but all the alcohol between high school and now have fuzzied my memory; I have no idea when I last wore pants this small. Anyone wanna bet I can get to a 34??
Now that spring has sprung you all have no excuse but to get your buts out there and do something to improve your health. Take the kids on a bike ride, go for a walk with your girl/guy, just go do something!
Here is something that has been bouncing around in my mind but I don't really know how to pursue it. I would love some advice from anyone who may have an idea. Once I have completely gotten myself out of the "obese" category, which they say I still am even though I can run six miles in under an hour (grumble...stupid body mass index what do you know), I would like a way to get actively involved with breaking the obesity cycle that is destroying so many lives. I know that I am a fat kid because my parents fed me bad foods and never really got any kind of healthy living education. I became aware of this one day when my niece came over after school. There were donuts on the counter in the kitchen and when she saw them she said "I so deserve this donut." I thought 'wow really? Who deserves a donut?' and proceeded to discuss with her why she thought she deserved a donut. That kind of mentality she displayed only leads to weight issues. I never really thought about how poorly we use food until that moment. I have also seen it when my mother is babysitting the grandkids, the typical meal involves some combo of the following: french fries, hot dogs, ring bologna, Doritos, and pizza. I have always teased my mom that it is her fault that I was fat, but I was always referring to how good her cooking is, not the nutritional quality or lack there of. There is a cycle that needs to be broken in order to save kids from the fate that I have suffer through. Part of it is getting parents to understand what they are doing to their kids by letting McD's become there favorite food group and the other part is motivating kids to learn about nutrition and get them exercising. Sorry I started getting preachy again, but anyone of you have asked for my help know that I can get rather passionate about this weight loss thing and helping those that want it. This is something I really think I could become heavily involved with if I can find a way. If you have any thoughts as to how to get myself into this please let me know.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Week 33/34
Sorry I had the intention of writing Friday, but my days seem to be short a few hours lately. Anyway, I weighed in on Friday and we did it, we cracked the 250 barrier...stepped on the scaled and slid the big block out to the 250 mark and the needle said I had to much weight on the scale, and the big smile came on my face as I slid the big block back to the 200 mark, hahaha bye bye 250! Now of course the needle immediately slams up because now we must slide the little block way out to the end. We stop at 249 and the needle levels out. So here I am at 249 pounds, just 29 away from the big goal. The total loss is now at a staggering 73 pounds. I thought about that a lot this weekend, and went back to the idea proposed by Dan DeLong to put the weight I lost into a backpack and lug it around for a bit. Well I didnt have anything that I could fit into a backpack that weighed 73 pounds so I just started to think about what would weigh 73 pounds. 4.5 full size bowling balls, two of those water cooler water bottles (each nearly ful), my 6 yr old nephew Noah holding a newborn twins, a quarter-barrell of your favorite adult beverage, and so on. When you start putting it into perspective it's pretty scary how fat I was.
Thanks to all who posted on my before and after pics on Fb. If you missed the photos go here. I wish I was in a better place to appreciate all of your positive words a little more, but I'm not. It is hard to believe that I could be appathetic about losing nearly 75 pounds and looking so much better, but I'm just not shaking my current mood. It sucks to feel this way but I'm working on it. Hopefully the coming of Spring and some warm sunshine helps. Maybe I will elaborate some more when I feel a little more comfortable about talking about it.
Just so I don't end on a down note: I am into my third full week of training for The Tough Mudder. I've ran more in the past three weeks than I have in the past 8 years total. hahaha.... The training plan has me running three times a week, slowly increasing my distances in order to get me close to the 7 miles needed for the Mudder. Sundays are when I run a greater distance and this week I was slated to run 3 miles, I went to the Body Zone and got on the treadmill and started going. When I got to mile 3 I decided I was feeling to good to stop and figured I'd keep running until I really started to feel tired. I got to mile 4 before I started to sense a little fatigue so I figured that it would be a good time to start backing down and ran another 1/4 mile during my cool down. Total distance ran 4.3 miles, I still can't believe I ran that. guess we'll try for 5 next Sunday.
Thanks to all who posted on my before and after pics on Fb. If you missed the photos go here. I wish I was in a better place to appreciate all of your positive words a little more, but I'm not. It is hard to believe that I could be appathetic about losing nearly 75 pounds and looking so much better, but I'm just not shaking my current mood. It sucks to feel this way but I'm working on it. Hopefully the coming of Spring and some warm sunshine helps. Maybe I will elaborate some more when I feel a little more comfortable about talking about it.
Just so I don't end on a down note: I am into my third full week of training for The Tough Mudder. I've ran more in the past three weeks than I have in the past 8 years total. hahaha.... The training plan has me running three times a week, slowly increasing my distances in order to get me close to the 7 miles needed for the Mudder. Sundays are when I run a greater distance and this week I was slated to run 3 miles, I went to the Body Zone and got on the treadmill and started going. When I got to mile 3 I decided I was feeling to good to stop and figured I'd keep running until I really started to feel tired. I got to mile 4 before I started to sense a little fatigue so I figured that it would be a good time to start backing down and ran another 1/4 mile during my cool down. Total distance ran 4.3 miles, I still can't believe I ran that. guess we'll try for 5 next Sunday.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Week 32: 220 by 2/20, unfortunately no.
I know its not Monday, but being that my birthday is this weekend and I plan to abuse my body (food and booze) the whole weekend, I figured that it would be best to weigh in today rather than Monday. So after an hour of Body Combat at the gym, I stepped up to the scale....did I magically lose the last 36 pounds I needed to in order to get to 220 by 2/20 in the final week?? lol No but I did lose 2 pounds since the last weigh in. The current weight is 254 and the total comes to 68 pounds!!!
RECAPPING THE LAST 8 MONTHS:
When I began this blog its sole purpose was accountability. I know how easy it is to give up on yourself when you are the only one expecting a change. The more I had thought about the dramatic nature of my goal, I knew that at some point I would need more than self motivation to get me through some tough times and keep me on the right track. That is why I invited you all into my life for these past 8 months. It amazes me that so many of you have taken an interest in all of this. It has gotten so crazy that I have received emails from people I don't even know that read my blog and they all wish me well. I knew if I made my goal so very public then I would be able to add a big heaping pile of guilt and shame if I quit. Believe me when I say this, the blog has a lot to do with my success to this point. There were a few moments of doubt as to whether I wanted to keep this up, the biggest moment is the one I'm dealing with right now. What I really didn't expect was that I would open up so much and expose my feelings and emotions as I did. I still regret, and probably will forever regret, exposing my disappointment and anger in that ugly post directed at a great girl about a month ago. I've never wanted to take back anything in my life more than that moment. Of course it hasn't been all bad, regretful moments. We were able to share some very exciting times together. The "new pants" post is still one of my favorites just because of the happiness I was feeling. FYI those jeans I bought that day can now be removed without undoing the button or zipper. So I guess it won't be long before another "new pants" post appears hahaha. So I thank you all for joining me on this trek through weight loss and personal change. I have had more than a few people tell me that they have been inspired by my journey and that they have started their own. It is such an amazing thing to be the source of inspiration. I wish all of you success in your own journeys. To all of you, your presence has been a huge factor in my success. Please keep reading.
SOME CONCRETE RESULTS:
Outside of the weight there are a few tangible bits of data I can share with you to show my results.
WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?
So now we must begin a new chapter to this crazy odyssey. With 34 pound left to lose in order to reach my goal, we will start by giving the Project a new slogan. "100 pounds - 1 year!" What that means is that by July 4th weekend I WILL be at the goal weight of 220. While I am more than happy with the progress I have made with PDD, but I am a little disappointed that I didn't get a little closer to my goal weight in these 8 months. Unrealistic as the original goal may have been, I can look back at my time and I know that there were days that I could have been better. One other change I'm gonna make to all of this is that I'm gonna cut down on the frequency of my posts. AS I get closer to 220 the harder it is to shed a pound so I will try to post every other week or when I got something important to get out, keep an eye on facebook for my updates.
Sometimes when we make long term goals they can become easy to push to the side when things get boring and progress slows. So thanks to my wonderful friend, Laura, I have found a brand new objective to focus my efforts on. Many of you will think that I am insane when you check out the link that I'm about to provide, but this is EXACTLY what I need right now. I am still bogged down by my disappointing behavior a month ago and workouts have suffered. My focus has been way off, probably from the depression I have been fighting. Because of the insane nature of this event I will be throwing myself into training with more gusto than I have yet to provide, there will be no room for self pity, "time to nut up or shut up." Following the inevitable birthday hangover, I will begin training, big thanks to Nicole for the 10k run training plan, for what will be the craziest thing I will have ever done. So with no further ado I invite you to checkout The Tough Mudder to be held at Bear Creek Ski area. Take a minute to check it out, I'll wait.........Yeah I think I am crazy too! Sometimes in life we must really test ourselves, this will truly do it for me. I can't even begin to explain how amped I am for this challenge!
Once again thank you all so much for the support, couldn't have done it without you!!! If you're not doing anything Saturday night I will be out and about in Fleetwood celebrating. Grand Central Taproom has DJ/karaoke after 10p, get me drunk enough and maybe I'll sing you a song.
PS I am in the process of creating a photo album of before and now pics. I will put it on facebook ASAP.
RECAPPING THE LAST 8 MONTHS:
When I began this blog its sole purpose was accountability. I know how easy it is to give up on yourself when you are the only one expecting a change. The more I had thought about the dramatic nature of my goal, I knew that at some point I would need more than self motivation to get me through some tough times and keep me on the right track. That is why I invited you all into my life for these past 8 months. It amazes me that so many of you have taken an interest in all of this. It has gotten so crazy that I have received emails from people I don't even know that read my blog and they all wish me well. I knew if I made my goal so very public then I would be able to add a big heaping pile of guilt and shame if I quit. Believe me when I say this, the blog has a lot to do with my success to this point. There were a few moments of doubt as to whether I wanted to keep this up, the biggest moment is the one I'm dealing with right now. What I really didn't expect was that I would open up so much and expose my feelings and emotions as I did. I still regret, and probably will forever regret, exposing my disappointment and anger in that ugly post directed at a great girl about a month ago. I've never wanted to take back anything in my life more than that moment. Of course it hasn't been all bad, regretful moments. We were able to share some very exciting times together. The "new pants" post is still one of my favorites just because of the happiness I was feeling. FYI those jeans I bought that day can now be removed without undoing the button or zipper. So I guess it won't be long before another "new pants" post appears hahaha. So I thank you all for joining me on this trek through weight loss and personal change. I have had more than a few people tell me that they have been inspired by my journey and that they have started their own. It is such an amazing thing to be the source of inspiration. I wish all of you success in your own journeys. To all of you, your presence has been a huge factor in my success. Please keep reading.
SOME CONCRETE RESULTS:
Outside of the weight there are a few tangible bits of data I can share with you to show my results.
- Waist size has dropped 10" from 50" to 40"
- I've dropped 9" of chub from around my chest and 8" from my hips
- 2.5" of fat from my upper arms (biceps) This one seems odd cuz I think my arms look bigger, but I guess that's cuz I can see the bi/tri muscles.
- My body fat dropped 25%, down from 31% body fat (this is using a home based measure test I don't know it's accuracy)
- The horrible useless BMI number has dropped from 41.2 to 32.6 According to this I'm getting dangerously close to only being overweight and not obese.
WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?
So now we must begin a new chapter to this crazy odyssey. With 34 pound left to lose in order to reach my goal, we will start by giving the Project a new slogan. "100 pounds - 1 year!" What that means is that by July 4th weekend I WILL be at the goal weight of 220. While I am more than happy with the progress I have made with PDD, but I am a little disappointed that I didn't get a little closer to my goal weight in these 8 months. Unrealistic as the original goal may have been, I can look back at my time and I know that there were days that I could have been better. One other change I'm gonna make to all of this is that I'm gonna cut down on the frequency of my posts. AS I get closer to 220 the harder it is to shed a pound so I will try to post every other week or when I got something important to get out, keep an eye on facebook for my updates.
Sometimes when we make long term goals they can become easy to push to the side when things get boring and progress slows. So thanks to my wonderful friend, Laura, I have found a brand new objective to focus my efforts on. Many of you will think that I am insane when you check out the link that I'm about to provide, but this is EXACTLY what I need right now. I am still bogged down by my disappointing behavior a month ago and workouts have suffered. My focus has been way off, probably from the depression I have been fighting. Because of the insane nature of this event I will be throwing myself into training with more gusto than I have yet to provide, there will be no room for self pity, "time to nut up or shut up." Following the inevitable birthday hangover, I will begin training, big thanks to Nicole for the 10k run training plan, for what will be the craziest thing I will have ever done. So with no further ado I invite you to checkout The Tough Mudder to be held at Bear Creek Ski area. Take a minute to check it out, I'll wait.........Yeah I think I am crazy too! Sometimes in life we must really test ourselves, this will truly do it for me. I can't even begin to explain how amped I am for this challenge!
Once again thank you all so much for the support, couldn't have done it without you!!! If you're not doing anything Saturday night I will be out and about in Fleetwood celebrating. Grand Central Taproom has DJ/karaoke after 10p, get me drunk enough and maybe I'll sing you a song.
PS I am in the process of creating a photo album of before and now pics. I will put it on facebook ASAP.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Week 31:
Weighed in Monday at 256 which is a two pound loss for the week and a 66 pound total loss. So we've made it to the 2/3 completion mark of this crazy journey. There are so many things I want to say but I'm gonna hold it for my birthday weigh in when I recap this crazy 7 months.
Wondering how am I doing? I have good days and some really bad days. I am still struggling to forgive myself for that outburst and its results, I still think about it to much. What I wish for more than anything is that I didn't ruin the friendship. I would have been able to deal with the heartbreak of "being just a friend" again, but she was to great of a girl to have cut out from my life. I'm trying to push all those "why" thoughts from my head when they randomly pop into my daily routine, but it is hard sometimes because there are things that just trigger it right now that I have no control over.
I had some fun this past weekend hanging out with friends during Tubing Fest '10. For the most part I spent an entire nite not thinking about anything but the good time I was having. Although I will admit it, I wanted partake in the adult beverage fun that was going on with Tubing Fest more so than ever since the beginning of PDD. I know that enjoying a night of boozing and partying with friends is completely acceptable, but I worry about the timing. My birthday is in two Saturdays and I had set it as another end of a 12 week sobriety stretch and a celebration of my progress. I can honestly say that I am almost hesitant to drink on my bday because I sort of feel like I'm dangerously close to giving up on this. I have lost a lot of my commitment these past few weeks, yeah I'm still getting to the gym and eating right, but my effort sometimes is way sub-par and I have had more little cheat moments than ever. It is hard to wonder if it is really worth all the hard work and the fun that is being missed. I think that there is plenty of fight left in me to push past all this, but something positive needs to develop soon. There is to much of a negative cloud around me right now.
So yeah that started to get a little depressing, sorry. Anyway Feb 20th is the celebration of my 38th trip around the sun and it is my intention to enjoy myself wholeheartedly. You are all invited to come out to Fleetwood and hangout with me. The only plan I have at this moment is to visit The Legion and Grand Central Taproom but who knows.
Wondering how am I doing? I have good days and some really bad days. I am still struggling to forgive myself for that outburst and its results, I still think about it to much. What I wish for more than anything is that I didn't ruin the friendship. I would have been able to deal with the heartbreak of "being just a friend" again, but she was to great of a girl to have cut out from my life. I'm trying to push all those "why" thoughts from my head when they randomly pop into my daily routine, but it is hard sometimes because there are things that just trigger it right now that I have no control over.
I had some fun this past weekend hanging out with friends during Tubing Fest '10. For the most part I spent an entire nite not thinking about anything but the good time I was having. Although I will admit it, I wanted partake in the adult beverage fun that was going on with Tubing Fest more so than ever since the beginning of PDD. I know that enjoying a night of boozing and partying with friends is completely acceptable, but I worry about the timing. My birthday is in two Saturdays and I had set it as another end of a 12 week sobriety stretch and a celebration of my progress. I can honestly say that I am almost hesitant to drink on my bday because I sort of feel like I'm dangerously close to giving up on this. I have lost a lot of my commitment these past few weeks, yeah I'm still getting to the gym and eating right, but my effort sometimes is way sub-par and I have had more little cheat moments than ever. It is hard to wonder if it is really worth all the hard work and the fun that is being missed. I think that there is plenty of fight left in me to push past all this, but something positive needs to develop soon. There is to much of a negative cloud around me right now.
So yeah that started to get a little depressing, sorry. Anyway Feb 20th is the celebration of my 38th trip around the sun and it is my intention to enjoy myself wholeheartedly. You are all invited to come out to Fleetwood and hangout with me. The only plan I have at this moment is to visit The Legion and Grand Central Taproom but who knows.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Week 30:
I'm not in the mood to write much, plus there's not much to be said this week, sorry.
Weighed in at 258, zero loss for the week. The total is still 64 pounds
Weighed in at 258, zero loss for the week. The total is still 64 pounds
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Week 29: No drama
Sorry, there'll be no drama in this week's edition of the blog. I think I've learned my lesson last week what I should and shouldn't share with you all here. It took a long time for me to settle down and snap out of that mess, I am not completely over what transpired but I'm slowly putting it behind me. I am sorry that any of you had to read that, if you know me even the slightest bit you know that is not who I am. I don't know if I had ever been that angry before, ever and afterward I was so upset at myself. There was so much hurt and disappointment in how I felt immediately following her email that I just let hate fly. I really felt different about this girl, to me there was a connection with her that I can't explain other than to say that everything felt right when I was with her or talking to her. I guess it was a one sided feeling, oh well, there's no point in dwelling on it anymore cuz I'm pretty sure I've torched that bridge forever.
As for the weigh in, I came in at 258 this week which is a pound lighter than last. Not a real surprise since I spent the better part of the week laying in bed moping over my poor behavior. The grand total at this point is 64 pounds. With 4 more weigh ins before my birthday it is pretty safe to say that I'm not getting to 220 by then. If I could pull off the 240's by 2/20 I would be extremely pleased. Not that I'm disappointed by my progress to this point but I want to keep it in mind that the goal is 220 and not to settle where I am because I'm happy that I dropped the 60+ pounds. The truth is I'm not even close to satisfied with where I'm at. There is still a whole lot squishy from the ribs down to me bum that needs to disappear. Beach season's 4 months away!
Thanks to all of you who posted on Fb, txt'ed, or talked with me during those few really bad days. It is truly great to know that you have people who care about you enough to take time to try to make you feel better when you are at your lowest.
Just a little quote I found -
"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that is true strength."
As for the weigh in, I came in at 258 this week which is a pound lighter than last. Not a real surprise since I spent the better part of the week laying in bed moping over my poor behavior. The grand total at this point is 64 pounds. With 4 more weigh ins before my birthday it is pretty safe to say that I'm not getting to 220 by then. If I could pull off the 240's by 2/20 I would be extremely pleased. Not that I'm disappointed by my progress to this point but I want to keep it in mind that the goal is 220 and not to settle where I am because I'm happy that I dropped the 60+ pounds. The truth is I'm not even close to satisfied with where I'm at. There is still a whole lot squishy from the ribs down to me bum that needs to disappear. Beach season's 4 months away!
Thanks to all of you who posted on Fb, txt'ed, or talked with me during those few really bad days. It is truly great to know that you have people who care about you enough to take time to try to make you feel better when you are at your lowest.
Just a little quote I found -
"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that is true strength."
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Week 28: Revisited
Weighed in 259. Yippee I broke the 260 barrier.
OK any of you who read this yesterday know what happened. I've taken down that blog post because after sleeping on it I realized that I was very wrong for doing what I did, especially in this arena. What I did yesterday is not the person I am and after having the night to calm down, I am sickened by my actions.
So...
Julie,
I am sorry for lashing out at you here on my blog. I was hurt and angry. Even though I can't take back what I said I can apologize for being an ass. We all do things occasionally because we don't stop to think but rather just react. Obviously I reacted badly and now I am sorry for it. Those things I said about you were spiteful and had no place in this public forum. There was nothing to be gained by saying them except some way of feeling less at fault for whatever happened. I know that we were never in a relationship but it did seem like we were on our way towards one. I guess I will never really understand where things went wrong, but I will grow from this horrible day and be just a little bit better of person tomorrow for it. I don't expect forgiveness for what I did, but I hope you do know that I am sorry.
Sincerely,
Jeff
OK any of you who read this yesterday know what happened. I've taken down that blog post because after sleeping on it I realized that I was very wrong for doing what I did, especially in this arena. What I did yesterday is not the person I am and after having the night to calm down, I am sickened by my actions.
So...
Julie,
I am sorry for lashing out at you here on my blog. I was hurt and angry. Even though I can't take back what I said I can apologize for being an ass. We all do things occasionally because we don't stop to think but rather just react. Obviously I reacted badly and now I am sorry for it. Those things I said about you were spiteful and had no place in this public forum. There was nothing to be gained by saying them except some way of feeling less at fault for whatever happened. I know that we were never in a relationship but it did seem like we were on our way towards one. I guess I will never really understand where things went wrong, but I will grow from this horrible day and be just a little bit better of person tomorrow for it. I don't expect forgiveness for what I did, but I hope you do know that I am sorry.
Sincerely,
Jeff
Monday, January 11, 2010
Week 27:
Now that's more like it!
Weigh in day today and it was a good one! 263 pounds is what the scale tells me I weighed today. Making for a big 7 pound loss this week and brings the total loss to 59 pounds. Hopefully, we can keep a good weight loss pace going now until my birthday. It looks highly unlikely that my lofty goal of 220 by 2/20 will be attainable but if I can manage a 4 pound per week pace I can get into the 230's or at least the 240's. Truthfully though, my sights are set on next week's weigh in because I've been stuck in these 260's for like two and a half months and I'm need to punch through to the 250's.
Now that my first week of life as a 2nd shifter is behind me I feel that I have found a pretty good daily routine that will hopefully keep me getting up early so I don't fall into that "sleeping in" trap that would be so easy to do as a 2nd shifter. I'm struggling getting the 6th meal into my schedule though right now, I may need to set the alarm earlier or something. 8am breakfast, 11am post workout shake, 215pm lunch, 6pm first break, 9pm second break. I hate to eat after work cuz it is so late and I try to eat lunch as late as I can because 1st break is 3 hrs into my workday. When I go longer than 3 hrs between meals I can really feel it so I try to eat lunch as late as I can.
Now as for my little issue from last week, well I haven't heard from her at all now in over a week. :( I've been listening to friends and most tell me that its more important to stay focused on me and whatever caused this "time out" will pass, hopefully. That is what I intend to do, even though it goes against what my heart is telling me. I can't explain how jumbled up I feel.
Weigh in day today and it was a good one! 263 pounds is what the scale tells me I weighed today. Making for a big 7 pound loss this week and brings the total loss to 59 pounds. Hopefully, we can keep a good weight loss pace going now until my birthday. It looks highly unlikely that my lofty goal of 220 by 2/20 will be attainable but if I can manage a 4 pound per week pace I can get into the 230's or at least the 240's. Truthfully though, my sights are set on next week's weigh in because I've been stuck in these 260's for like two and a half months and I'm need to punch through to the 250's.
Now that my first week of life as a 2nd shifter is behind me I feel that I have found a pretty good daily routine that will hopefully keep me getting up early so I don't fall into that "sleeping in" trap that would be so easy to do as a 2nd shifter. I'm struggling getting the 6th meal into my schedule though right now, I may need to set the alarm earlier or something. 8am breakfast, 11am post workout shake, 215pm lunch, 6pm first break, 9pm second break. I hate to eat after work cuz it is so late and I try to eat lunch as late as I can because 1st break is 3 hrs into my workday. When I go longer than 3 hrs between meals I can really feel it so I try to eat lunch as late as I can.
Now as for my little issue from last week, well I haven't heard from her at all now in over a week. :( I've been listening to friends and most tell me that its more important to stay focused on me and whatever caused this "time out" will pass, hopefully. That is what I intend to do, even though it goes against what my heart is telling me. I can't explain how jumbled up I feel.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Week 25/26:
Sorry I missed last week's blog. I was just short on time last week, I know that's a bad excuse. And sorry for the tardiness of this one...I started my 2nd shift job and I haven't gotten the time management thing down yet.
Damn the holidays:
I am sick and tired of the holidays! Long weekends and holiday meals are wrecking my pace!!! If you can't guess by those statements, I didn't have a very good weigh in this week. The stupid scale showed 270lbs, which is a FOUR pound gain from last report, EXPLICATIVE DELETED.... It's not rocket science to figure out why this has happened, with these long 3 or 4 day weekends I've had more free time thus more opportunities to cheat a little here and there. Boredom is one of my biggest enemies when it comes to dieting. If I'm sitting around on a Friday or Saturday night with nothing to do it is so easy for me to go out and grab a bite to eat for supper rather than stay home and eat a normal diet meal. I don't always eat things like cheesesteaks or pasta alfredo when I go out but it is usually a way bigger portion than I need. There is something about going out to eat that eases my boredom, its kind of odd since eating isn't exactly exciting. So with all these days off I will admit that I have cheated more these last few weeks than I have this entire Project. I also had a relapse with my fast food addiction. This is another thing I truly can't explain because I can make a WAY better burger than Ronald, Wendy or The King, and my fresh cut fries fried crispy with Old Bay are the shizznit, lol! So why is fast food such a hard addiction to kick? I think they add crack to the beef!
New Years Resolution:
So here is my one and only resolution for the new year, I will NOT eat fast food again until I am at my goal weight of 220 lbs!! I typically hate making resolutions because they typically turn out to be empty words said by people who think that they want to make some kind of change and believe that by uttering them right after the calendar turns that they are somehow going to magically come true. If you truly want to make a change, stop talking about it, get up off your ass and make it happen. I don't care if it is your job situation, weight, loneliness, whatever....hoping it will happen won't make it happen. There are tons of quotes that use hope and can be inspirational. I have found two that help me keep pushing. "Hope is not a dream but a way of making dreams become reality." What I take from this is that just believe that you can do whatever it is you are striving for and know that as long as you keep believing, you will find a way to get there. The second, “Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of man” Now this may seem like it is a little counter-productive to what I am saying but what I read from this quote is that if all you plan to do to make a change is hope that something will happen, then all you will do is hope and your condition will never change. So don't make resolutions MAKE CHANGES!
Dealing with insecurity:
With the crappy weigh in, I actually weigh more Saturday morning, and all my free time I had one terrible weekend. Woke up with a splitting headache Saturday, still sober on this 12 week promise NYE didn't foil that promise so it wasn't a hangover. Boredom set in and I tried to cure it by chatting with my female friend, who I went on that first date 8 years in the waiting I told you about. She didn't return my txt which is kinda unusual cuz even when she's grumpy she typically responds and she tells me she's grumpy and not in to talking. So because I'm tired, bored and feeling crappy my mind begins to wonder if I did something to piss her off. Here comes the ole insecurity nightmare...The last time we had talked up to then was the day before NYE, I had emailed her about something that she had said that confused me a bit so I asked for clarification. She responded and I detected no annoyance in the tone of the email. So the no reply to the txt really began to plague me throughout the weekend and I am almost certain it was all a creation of the insecurity issue I still fight. I got real mopey and depressed as the day progressed. I really do like this girl and hope something can come out of our friendship. We have had troubles getting together for a second date mainly because of bad timing and these damn holidays. I have mentioned to her that I'm trying to be patient about the whole no second date thing, probably a couple more times than I should have. But it's frustrating from my end to not be able to squeeze myself into her busy schedule. Then I wonder if she is really interested in pursuing anything with me since she's not going out of her way to somehow squeeze me in. Which I know is all crap, its just bad timing! All this kind of thinking made my day worse and worse. Anyways,there is nothing worse than needing assurance from people that everything is alright, especially girls that you are interested in. I know that it is not an attractive trait. I have learned that it isn't always about me, but could be something going on the other side of the relationship. But that hasn't stopped me from letting the problem get me down from time to time. It pains me to write all this out because I know she reads my blog and it sucks to have that exposed. But I promised when I started this blog that I was not gonna hold back for any reason. Bottom line having insecurity problems SUCKS! I really don't know how anyone can ever overcome them completely because I think it is something that becomes a part of you. You grow these problems through early life experience and unless your world does a complete 180 I don't think those experiences ever go away. I think I am getting better at managing my problem. I haven't sent the "did I do something wrong that you're not responding?" txt msg, even though I haven't talked to her in a bit. I still have a hard time keeping the thought of doing so out of my head.
On a much less depressing note, I went to my first Spin class today. It was awful, lol, awfully difficult. I am so sore right now, but it will be worth it once spring comes around and its time to get the mt bike out!
Damn the holidays:
I am sick and tired of the holidays! Long weekends and holiday meals are wrecking my pace!!! If you can't guess by those statements, I didn't have a very good weigh in this week. The stupid scale showed 270lbs, which is a FOUR pound gain from last report, EXPLICATIVE DELETED.... It's not rocket science to figure out why this has happened, with these long 3 or 4 day weekends I've had more free time thus more opportunities to cheat a little here and there. Boredom is one of my biggest enemies when it comes to dieting. If I'm sitting around on a Friday or Saturday night with nothing to do it is so easy for me to go out and grab a bite to eat for supper rather than stay home and eat a normal diet meal. I don't always eat things like cheesesteaks or pasta alfredo when I go out but it is usually a way bigger portion than I need. There is something about going out to eat that eases my boredom, its kind of odd since eating isn't exactly exciting. So with all these days off I will admit that I have cheated more these last few weeks than I have this entire Project. I also had a relapse with my fast food addiction. This is another thing I truly can't explain because I can make a WAY better burger than Ronald, Wendy or The King, and my fresh cut fries fried crispy with Old Bay are the shizznit, lol! So why is fast food such a hard addiction to kick? I think they add crack to the beef!
New Years Resolution:
So here is my one and only resolution for the new year, I will NOT eat fast food again until I am at my goal weight of 220 lbs!! I typically hate making resolutions because they typically turn out to be empty words said by people who think that they want to make some kind of change and believe that by uttering them right after the calendar turns that they are somehow going to magically come true. If you truly want to make a change, stop talking about it, get up off your ass and make it happen. I don't care if it is your job situation, weight, loneliness, whatever....hoping it will happen won't make it happen. There are tons of quotes that use hope and can be inspirational. I have found two that help me keep pushing. "Hope is not a dream but a way of making dreams become reality." What I take from this is that just believe that you can do whatever it is you are striving for and know that as long as you keep believing, you will find a way to get there. The second, “Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of man” Now this may seem like it is a little counter-productive to what I am saying but what I read from this quote is that if all you plan to do to make a change is hope that something will happen, then all you will do is hope and your condition will never change. So don't make resolutions MAKE CHANGES!
Dealing with insecurity:
With the crappy weigh in, I actually weigh more Saturday morning, and all my free time I had one terrible weekend. Woke up with a splitting headache Saturday, still sober on this 12 week promise NYE didn't foil that promise so it wasn't a hangover. Boredom set in and I tried to cure it by chatting with my female friend, who I went on that first date 8 years in the waiting I told you about. She didn't return my txt which is kinda unusual cuz even when she's grumpy she typically responds and she tells me she's grumpy and not in to talking. So because I'm tired, bored and feeling crappy my mind begins to wonder if I did something to piss her off. Here comes the ole insecurity nightmare...The last time we had talked up to then was the day before NYE, I had emailed her about something that she had said that confused me a bit so I asked for clarification. She responded and I detected no annoyance in the tone of the email. So the no reply to the txt really began to plague me throughout the weekend and I am almost certain it was all a creation of the insecurity issue I still fight. I got real mopey and depressed as the day progressed. I really do like this girl and hope something can come out of our friendship. We have had troubles getting together for a second date mainly because of bad timing and these damn holidays. I have mentioned to her that I'm trying to be patient about the whole no second date thing, probably a couple more times than I should have. But it's frustrating from my end to not be able to squeeze myself into her busy schedule. Then I wonder if she is really interested in pursuing anything with me since she's not going out of her way to somehow squeeze me in. Which I know is all crap, its just bad timing! All this kind of thinking made my day worse and worse. Anyways,there is nothing worse than needing assurance from people that everything is alright, especially girls that you are interested in. I know that it is not an attractive trait. I have learned that it isn't always about me, but could be something going on the other side of the relationship. But that hasn't stopped me from letting the problem get me down from time to time. It pains me to write all this out because I know she reads my blog and it sucks to have that exposed. But I promised when I started this blog that I was not gonna hold back for any reason. Bottom line having insecurity problems SUCKS! I really don't know how anyone can ever overcome them completely because I think it is something that becomes a part of you. You grow these problems through early life experience and unless your world does a complete 180 I don't think those experiences ever go away. I think I am getting better at managing my problem. I haven't sent the "did I do something wrong that you're not responding?" txt msg, even though I haven't talked to her in a bit. I still have a hard time keeping the thought of doing so out of my head.
On a much less depressing note, I went to my first Spin class today. It was awful, lol, awfully difficult. I am so sore right now, but it will be worth it once spring comes around and its time to get the mt bike out!
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